Happy Endings

Jane, this brunch is amazing.

Oh, please. I was just reading some cooking blogs

and got a little epicurious and decided to just, you know,

throw together whatever looked fun. Candied walnut?

These are fantastic. Did you make 'em yourself?

Couldn't have been easier.

You just crack 'em, hole 'em, toast 'em,

brush 'em with a little bit of olive oil,

then rub 'em with cayenne pepper, some turmeric

and some cinnamon sugar, and you put 'em in the oven

for a quick roast, flipping them every five minutes

- for... an hour and a half. - Are you crying?

A little bit. I am just so tired.

Guys, I hate to be the girl that, like,

makes every conversation about her,

- but let's be honest. - You are.

Yeah, I am. I'm going on a blind date tonight

with the most amah-zing sounding guy, Roger.

Are people still named Roger?

You gotta cancel it. You have a date tonight with me.

My parents are in town.

You're my girlfriend of three years.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot they were coming.

I'm so sorry. I can't be your beard.

You're telling me that one single date with some stranger

is more important to you than what we fake have?

Yeah, and honestly, I'm sick of being your beard.

I mean, for someone who behaves nothing like a gay guy,

you have even less of an idea how to act like a straight guy.

How about these things, huh? Can't get enough of these.

Am I right? Yeah! (Laughs)

And then you followed it with "and don't even get me started

- "with what's going on down there." - So what am I gonna do?

- Maybe you should come out. - Ugh. Coming out is so gay. And why should I?

My parents only visit, like, once every two years.

Hey, wait. I can be your beard, but I wanna be named Larissa,

- and I'm a... (Whispers) Sculptress. - Jane, will you do it?

- Why me? - Why not me?

- Please, you're my only hope. - I just offered.

Jane, there is no one else that can do this.

- Wait. Can nobody hear me? Am I ghost? - Yes.

It's nothing personal. I just personally feel

- that Jane would be better at it. - How is that not personal?

It's true. I'd be an awesome beard.

- Parents love me. - So you'll do it.

No, Max. It's time for you to come out.

- Jane's right. - Look, I hear you guys.

Alex, will you do it?

No! I offered three times and you insulted me to my face.

It's only 'cause I thought I had someone better.

I mean...

So I don't know where I'm gonna find a perfect girl

- to play a beard by 7:00. - Hey, I got a crazy thought.

- Put you in a dress and lipstick like sexy bugs bunny? - Idiot.

Come out to your parents. It won't be that bad.

They're sweet liberal Jews.

First of all, you never know how they're gonna react.

Second of all, they're obsessed with grandkids.

How bad are they gonna freak when I tell 'em

- I can't have kids? - You can still have kids.

- Ugh! I don't want kids. - Max, these are just excuses. All right?

I know it's hard, but come on. You should tell 'em tonight.

- I'll come with you for moral support. - You'd do that for me?

Of course I would, buddy, 'cause I love ya.

Plus you know my dad's gonna pay for dinner.

Yeah, I'm gonna get two apps and probably a steak.

- Yeah, crab mashed potatoes. - Love me some crab mash-up.

Unbelievable. I spent three hours,

and nobody even noticed the homemade napkin rings

- made from rickrack. - I noticed.

Really? Can you point to them on this table?

Why you gotta do that?

Was it wrong that I didn't wanna be Max's beard?

I just think he'd be so much happier

if he were honest with his parents.

Yeah, totally. Just curious. Didn't it take you,

like, six months, before you told your parents

- you were living with a black guy? - That had nothing to do with race.

My parents don't see color.

They just see sleeping with their daughter.

Oh, I sleep the sleep out of that.

I know you do. Anyway, I just needed to tell them

- in my own time. - As opposed to Max,

who has to tell his parents he's gay tonight

because his straight friends think he should?

- No, that is totally different. - How?

Why you gotta do that?

Excuse me. Are you Sarah?

No. Oh. And I'm guessing you're not Roger.

Is it too late to say that I am?

Is it too early to say, "how do you like your eggs?"

I'm sorry. Oh, when I get nervous,

I turn into Blanche from "The Golden Girls."

I'm a Sophia man myself.

- Oh. - I'm Doug.

Hi. Penny. Uh, so you're waiting for a blind date, too?

I was, but I've been here, like, a half an hour.

- I think I've been stood up. - Penny? Penny Hartz?

Penny Hartz?

Penny Hartz?

And it looks like I've been stood up, too, so...

Did you wanna give him another minute?

- I'm good. - You sure?

- Yeah. - Okay. You want a drink?

- Yes, please. - All right.

Okay.

- Oh, Max! Maxie! - Hey, Max. We're here.

- Over here? - You see us?

- We're here! - No, they're not here. Let's go.

Hey, it's gonna be all right.

Now man up and tell 'em you like dudes.

Get over here now!

Hey, mom.

- Hello, sweetheart. - Hey, hey.

- Hi, honey. - Good to see ya.

- Are you warm enough? - Yes, I'm warm enough.

Hi, dad. How are you?

Oh, and Dave, too. Mwah! Dave, this is such a nice surprise.

Where's Penny? We were soexcited to see her.

Oh, she couldn't make it.

Why?

- She's busy. - They broke up.

Well, which is it... busy? Broke up?

Ooh, you know, breakups are still a bit

- of a hot-button issue for this guy. - Dave, honey, do you wanna talk about it?

- Actually, Max is the one who really... - 'cause from what Max has told us,

that Alex girl leaving you... that was the best thing

- that could have happened. - That's what I've been saying.

- Now you're free to be who you are. - Exactly.

And find happiness with men.

Yes! Wait. What's that with the men thing?

Could you give us a quick second?

I'm gonna order one more drink.

- Quick sidebar... my parents think you're gay. (Whispers) = What?

- Like, super gay. - Why?

Maybe the Ellen haircut. Look, in college, my parents found

my porn underneath my mattress, and I panicked.

- I said it was yours. - Why would my porn be under your mattress?

I panicked again, and I said that you used to lie in my bed

- and were obsessed with me. - You are not good under pressure.

- Don't you think I know that? - We are clearing this up once and for all.

Howard, Pauline, Max has something

he's been meaning to tell you for a long, long time.

Uh... this is, uh, kinda tough to say,

but, um, Dave's gay.

- Oh, honey, we knew that. - Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

Max.

The reason I'm not dating Penny anymore is 'cause...

I'm, um...

Hey, boo! So sorry I'm late. Hi.

- Hi. - I'm dating Jane now.

- Ah. - Hmm?

Get a load of these. Huh?

- I love... lady parts. - Do you?

Yes.

I can't believe we just met.

- You're so easy to talk to. - You, too.

And usually on first dates, I feel so much pressure

- to pretend I read. - I know. I hate reading.

- Ugh. - Here you go.

- Oh, no, let me get this. - So sweet.

Penny?

Penny Hartz?

Penny.

Hey. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?

This bar's fine for a blind date,

but you deserve to be taken somewhere exceptional.

Wow. How are you still single?

I could ask the same thing about you.

Excuse me for a second.

Oh, black card. Are you enjoying your reward points,

mister...

"Hitler"?

Mom, dad, I'm so happy you get to meet my new girlfriend,

and, honey, so glad you got to make it.

- I am gonna grab a chair. - I'll help you with that chair. Jane?

So... You don't wanna help with your own chair?

Hi.

- That must be quite a chair. - Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I thought we agreed Max is gonna come out tonight.

I thought about it,

and I decided it is not up to us to push him if he is not ready.

So you're gonna let him live a lie? That sucks.

Hey! You don't talk to my girlfriend like that!

Listen, Jane, if you're gonna do this,

there's a lot of backstory that you need to know.

Don't worry. I am gonna crush this.

I am parent heroin, okay?

Pauline, Howard, it is so great to finally meet you.

I have an awesome weekend planned.

Pauline, tomorrow morning, you, me, outlet malls,

and then at noon, Howard and I are gonna tee off, and bring

your wallet, 'cause I am not gonna go easy on you, okay?

Really? That is so great. You're not too busy?

No, I would do anything for the two people

that made this guy possible.

- Right, honey? - Yeah.

- Come here. - What?

- Come here. Mm. - Okay. (Chuckles)