The Goldbergs

Adult Adam: The '80s had a lot of pop trends,

and my sister was into all of them.

It all began with New Kids On The Block.

Danny, Donnie, Joe, Jon, Jordan.

Danny, Donnie, Joe, Jon, Jordan.

Most of these trends lasted only a week or so,

some even shorter.

Hey. Girls just want to have fun, am I right?

And it's over.

In fact, the styles changed so fast

that at school it was nearly impossible to keep up,

especially for Geoff Schwartz.

'Sup, Erica?

Really feeling the flock today, am I right?

Ugh. Flock of Seagulls is so last week, Geoff.

We're all about Debbie Gibson now.

But I used an entire jar of honey for this.

I've been fighting off bees all morning.

I told you. I'm not gonna date you

just 'cause we love the same music.

Yeah, Bro. If anything,

you should hate her guts for the crap she listens to.

Whoa, I'm sorry.

Do you have a problem, Johnny Atkins?

My problem is your music sucks.

Big mistake, Bro.

- Yo, back me up, JTP. - That's a polite pass, Bro.

Your hair suggests you don't know what you're doing with your life.

Well, you dodged a bullet, homeboy.

For your sake, back off my girl.

- Not your girl. - I love you, Erica!

- You will be! - You guys need to get a clue.

There's only one band on the planet that matters.

- Rush. - Here we go.

- Not again. - Rush sucks.

- I hate you. - Ugh.

They're not the canned garbage

that you listen to.

They're real. They're from Canada.

It's super-cold, so they have to rock super-hard to stay warm.

I'll take your word for it.

Why take my word for it

when you can come to my Corolla and find out for yourself?

Unless you're afraid.

Of being alone with you in your rusted-out piece of crap?

For sure.

Hey. Johnny Atkins respects women.

He has bad hair days, too.

Not many, though.

You ready to step into the musical cocoon

and emerge a rock-'n'-roll butterfly?

Just play it so I can be proven right.

In that moment, my sister's mind unlocked...

as she was ushered into a world of prog rock.

It was an instant attraction

in more ways than one.

I don't even know what's happening right now.

Oh, my... This is a terrible mistake.

- One you'll make again. - Don't tell anyone.

I can promise that I won't.

But I definitely will.

There's one thing you should know about me.

I'm painfully honest.

You're a fox, but you also wear too much makeup like a clown.

See?

Knock it off, you two.

You're on school grounds.

And you're in my parking spot.

The window's rolled down so I know you can hear me.

Hello.

Cut it out.

It was April 1980-something, the morning of my birthday.

And that meant one thing.

Gah! There's my little birthday Schmoops!

All I want for my birthday is for you to not call me Schmoops.

Aww, you're cute.

So, look, I know how much you like big Hollywood directors,

like Steven Lucas and George Spielberger,

so I special-ordered you this.

Don't hurt your little arms. It's heavy.

My own Oscar?

Read it!

"Best Son".

Yes, you are! And that is gonna go great

with the big Hollywood-themed birthday party I'm throwing you.

Speech!

For once, can't I plan my own birthday?

What?

What is this?

"Best Son"?

You gave Adam a golden trophy?

That squeaky-voiced turd?

Honey, it's not what you think.

Oh, I think this is exactly what I think.

This tiny golden man

is nonliving proof of what I've always known.

Adam's your favorite.

That is not true.

I love all my kids equally.

I don't have a "Best Son" trophy.

The only things you ever gotten me

are expensive gifts from the store.

Take it. This trophy represents

everything that's wrong with my life in this house.

No. I want my own trophy

'cause I'm better than Adam at everything.

Can he soothe animals with just some peanut butter and a smile?

Can he eat an entire apple in just two bites?

Hmm? Give me an apple right now.

Bad start. Give me another.

Don't waste my apples.

Look, I'm sorry you feel this way,

but there's nothing that'll convince me

that I play favorites.

Barry: See that?

Adam's photo is twice the size of ours!

This is a misunderstanding.

The photo guy made it the wrong size,

and I couldn't return it.

Please. I've seen you return a dead goldfish, used ChapStick,

and a bathing suit Dad wore for 10 straight days in Puerto Rico.

That liner was destroyed.

Destroyed.

I know the truth and so does he.

Just look at that smug little face lording it over me.

Adam?! Where are you?! You're so dead!

Oh, no. What have I done?

You've woken me up.

Barry thinks I got a bigger photo of Adam

'cause he's my favorite.

Every parent has a secret favorite.

Mine's Erica.

You can't say that.

I don't have a favorite.

Beverly. Come on. Come on.

It's Adam, damn it.

He's my cute little munchkin who sweats when he sleeps

and then I flip the pillow over to the cool side and...

And then he whispers, "Love you, Mama,"

and then I just want to gobble his delicious face!

Okay.

My God. Barry's right.

Well, starting now, he is gonna know what it's like

to be my number-one son.

Get back here! You will pay for what your picture did!

I was just reading a book!

This makes no sense!

As my mom was coming to terms

with who her favorite child was,

my sister had no doubts who her new favorite band was.

Wait. What is happening?

Why are you covering up Debbie G.?

'Cause I discovered something infinitely better...

Rush.

Holy crap.

You made out with Johnny Atkins.

You're a bad little girl.

How could you possibly know that?

Because he's the only other person I know

who's obsessed with that lame wizard band.

Also, he's telling everyone.

Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have made out with him.

You don't actually like him, do you?

I don't know.

He's like a cocky band nerd,

but he's also honest and deep,

but he also has a ponytail.

It's so confusing.

I've dated the biggest jerks on the planet.

Trust me.

You need to end up with a nice guy like Barry.

Okay, please don't gag

when I mention your brother's name.

Why are you gagging?

I'm sorry, but her gaggy face is making me gag.

Stop.

Yo. It's Johnny Atkins.

Yo. So?

So, Erica's expecting me.

Mind if I just pop upstairs, chill for a few?

Yes, very much.

All right. Then give her this flier.

Battle of the Bands this weekend.

Speed Up's gonna win top prize.

- Speed Up? - My Rush cover band.

Thinking Erica could join us

'cause our guitarist got arrested for selling...

- fudge. - Fudge.

So good, it's illegal.

Okay.

Well, are you gonna have her call, or...

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I'm not letting Ponytail Johnson anywhere near my daughter.

Trying to keep them from each other is a classic mistake.

It'll only make her want him more.

Just like with you and Bev.

Please. You loved me.

No. I hated you real bad.

Thought you were a stubborn grump.

First night, I nicknamed you "El Lumpo."