National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1

what the hell was that?

hello, hello. how are you?

nice weather we are having today.

nice weather? you think we're having nice weather?

i guess you didn't lose the only one

that meant anything in your life.

i guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery

and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin

that infest every pore of this decaying city,

forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheap whiskey

to dull the pain that shatters your heart,

rips at your soul,

keeps your days forever gray.

what flavor icee you got today?

kiwi cherry.

kiwi cherry.

yuck.

oh, baby.

excuse me.

do you have any of these in taupe?

no taupe. beef jerky.

and you call this a convenience store?

open up the cash register,

or i'll splatter your brains.

excuse me.

you scuzzballs mind if i join in?

i know what you're thinking, punk.

you're thinking, "did he fire 173 times...

or 174?"

well, do you feel lucky...

punk?

you guys got to get that thing fixed.

i know. don't thank me.

i'm just a cop doing his job.

you have reached the desk of Sergeant Wes Luger.

please leave a message after the beep.

yeah, Wes. it's me, Billy.

hey! i said, "after the beep."

well, excuse me.

listen, it's 9:36--

oh, 9:37.

look, it's just getting too dangerous

to wait here.

i got to get out.

meet me at the Squealer's hotel in 45 minutes.

i have a contact there.

who is it?

wilderness girls.

wilderness girls.

a little late to be selling cookies.

troop leader says we are not meeting our quota.

i'll take a couple of boxes.

that won't be necessary, miss York.

i got to be honest. you look better in the wig.

my hairstyle is the least of your worries.

wilderness girls, eh?

so that's how you're moving the drugs.

brilliant, miss York. now...

where is the meecrofilm?

the what?

the meecrofilm.

i don't know anything about any meecrofilm.

don't play coy with me.

this is too important.

and this is the plot.

important enough so that anyone within earshot

should listen to each and every detail?

that important.

and you're talking about the microfilm

which holds the recipe for turning cocaine

into innocent-looking cookies?

yes.

i don't know anything about it.

in a little while, miss York,

you will be begging for mercy.

no, no. i'll beg now.

save yourself unnecessary pain.

tell me!

McCracken.

thank you, miss York.

is that Dan McCracken or Mike McCracken?

Mike.

ooh!

is he on Alpine or Oak?

Alpine.

uhh!

hey, psst!

park on 3rd. you'll never find a spot on Alpine.

thank you. you have been most cooperative.

don't mention it.

and, you, remember,

you saw nothing.

what you got, Irv?

oh. beats me, Sarge.

dandruff, seborrhea, maybe just dry, itchy scalp.

have you tried this, Irv? i use it.

head & shoulders? Sarge, you don't have dandruff.

i know.

are you ready to limbo?

whoo!

what'll it be? matte finish or glossy?

matte.

good choice.

be ready in about a week.

so what are we looking at here, doc?

the worst-dressed stiff i've ever seen.

this stiff and i pounded a beat together for five years,

so show some respect.

i'm sorry, Wes.

i see so much of this senseless mayhem

that sometimes i get a little insensitive.

all right, this loser has taken

the chickenshit way out

and punched her own ticket.

suicide, huh?

she must have caught herself by surprise.

found these near her.

wilderness girl cookies.

give me a hand, doc.

sure.

thanks.

you knew her, Sarge?

yeah, i knew her.

she was my partner.

i'm sorry, Sarge.

hey--hey, Sarge.

it's tingling.

good, Irv. that means it's working.

here's to getting through another lousy day.

Claire.

oh, Claire.

i miss you so much.

i'm trying, Claire.

God knows i'm trying.

but it's too damn hard without you.

i'll get the bastards that took you.

well, Herb, back to the salt mines.

mind if i drive this time?

this is supposed to be an express line!

no, he had fuller lips. pouting lips.

wide eyes. yes, that's him.

Dooley, give it a break.

what's going on?

Dooley's bet us he can escape in 15 minutes.

how long has he been at it?

three days.

better step on it.

you think crime's taking a holiday?

well, think again!

what the hell you want, Luger?

i want the York case.

there is no York case! it was a suicide! coffee?

cappuccino? espresso?

hey, scotti, can you get this machine to work?

i'm giving it all she's got, captain!

if i push it any harder, the whole thing'll blow!

give me my plate!

i don't think York was a suicide.

she was onto something.

on something is more like it.

those wilderness girls cookies

was laced with cocaine!

no wonder i couldn't eat just one.

York left me a message.

she'd uncovered a drug running operation.

i think that's what got her killed.

you don't think it was the bullets?

give me the case.

you're days from retirement. let it go.

York was a partner, a friend. i owe her.

i owe it to every cop who's walked a beat,

every cop who's made a bust,

who's ever laid his life on the line!

i'm the captain here! i do all the yelling!

if it's that important to you, take the damn case!

thank-- thank you, captain.

don't be so fast to thank me!

because you're going to be naked on this one.

people are going to be watching!

you screw up, you'll be hung out to dry!

you drop the ball,

you'll be left twisting in the wind!

if you embarrass this department,

your pants will be dancing with figs! is that clear?

everything but the pants-fig thing.

and one other thing--

narco's sending over one of their burned-out psychos

to look into the wilderness girl cookies.

i'm teaming him with you.

captain, you know i work alone.

you get the case, you get Jack Colt!

cigarette!

cigarette! hit the floor!

hey, back off!

easy.

that's Luger's new partner.

captain, you can't seriously be thinking of using this man.

he's dangerous, a menace.

a loose cannon.

a walking time bomb.