Two and a Half Men

Previously on Two and a Half Men: I don't want to get a divorce.

Why we got to get a divorce?

Because I have grown up

and you are still the same guy you were at 19.

No, that is not true.

I got a lot more money now.

Not about what you have; it's about who you are.

Oh.

Well, I'm pretty much the same guy.

Great news, Alan.

Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper.

Yeah, he talked me into it.

I wonder what his sweat tastes like.

Time for me to go.

Wait.

Come here.

Give us a hug good-bye.

I'm taking your room, Zippy.

You saved my butt back there.

I owe you big time.

If there is anything that you need,

any way I can help you...

Well, really uncomfortable living at my mom's.

Um, do you think I could stay here for a few days

till I find my own place?

Yeah, no problem.

I'm back.

Hello, room.

Did you miss me?

Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell are you doing here?

I live here. What the hell are you doing here?

Um, see, Berta's got my room now, so...

No. Yes.

No. It's just temporary.

I'm not sleeping with my dad.

What are we going to do, sleep on the same bed?

No, I'll get the air mattress out of the garage.

That you'll sleep on. No.

Yes. Yes! No.

* Men.

Good morning.

Morning.

Where you been?

Little power walk on the beach.

Got to tell you, Zip,

I can see why your brother couldn't get you

out of this house with the jaws of life.

Malibu is the greatest place

to wake up in the morning.

I'm glad you're enjoying my room.

Alan, I say this with love.

It was never your room.

Morning.

Ah... did I miss our power walk?

I tried to cuddle you awake,

but you weren't interested. Oh.

So, Alan, how's the house hunting coming?

Oh, still looking. Uh, not a lot available.

Maybe that's 'cause you're looking in the sports section.

Well, don't worry.

You can stay here as long as you need to.

Aw!

Oh, just a... a few more days.

Maybe a week tops.

Aw.

Hey, uh, listen, Walden, um, while I am here,

I was wondering how you would feel

about me having an overnight guest.

Aw.

I thought you were the overnight guest.

Your wit is only exceeded by your generosity.

Um, the thing is,

I'm having dinner tonight with this woman

I used to be in a relationship with.

And I don't know how things are going to play out,

but if they go well, I'd like to bring her back here

and, uh, you know...

reconcile.

Is she homeless, too?

Oh, oh, no, no, it-it's just that she has a teenage son,

and I'm not really keen on him hearing us, you know...

reconcile.

But it's okay for me to hear you?

Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet.

And quick.

It's true. That's why she calls me Zippy.

I guess it's okay.

I sure wish I could reconcile with Bridget.

Oh, give her some time.

Took Lyndsey months to forgive me.

What'd she have to forgive you for?

Oh... I, uh... I called her a slut

because, uh, I thought she was sleeping with my brother,

uh, and I, uh... I accidentally burned down her house.

Well, not in that order.

Anyway, thanks so much.

He is going to move out at some point, right?

You are so cute.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I was so sorry to hear about your brother.

Yeah, yeah, very sad.

He fell in front of a train?

Uh, fell, pushed, jumped.

Whatever the verb, the end result was Charlie tartare.

That's horrible.

Yeah.

And we had to sell the house in Malibu.

So where are you living?

The house in Malibu.

Wait, what?

Oh, it's actually a funny story.

Um, the fellow who bought it

is this incredibly rich Internet guy

who's going through a bad divorce,

and he's lonely, he needs a friend,

so he asked me to stick around for a while.

What's the funny part?

He actually thinks I'm going to leave someday.

So, uh, how's things? How's Eldridge?

Let's not ruin the evening by talking about our children.

Agreed.

I have missed you.

I've missed you, too.

Can you ever forgive me for being such an idiot?

Let's not ruin the evening

by talking about what an idiot you were.

Good idea.

You know, I haven't slept with anybody since we broke up.

How about you?

You know what?

Let's not ruin the evening by talking.

* Men.

I got it.

Hello, little girl.

Hi, big daddy. You got everything?

Hell, yeah.

Beer, bucket of drumsticks

and nine magic fingers.

Let's go.

Uh, Berta?

What's going on?

What's it look like?

I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken

and rock this old man's world.

I got ten fingers and a billion dollars,

and this guy's getting more action than me.

What now, Walden?

Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.

Sweetheart, listen to me.

We're getting divorced.

You need to get some friends, get a life.

I don't want friends. I don't want a life.

I just want you.

What... what are you doing anyway?

Why... why are those people wearing masks?

I'm at a charity event for people without faces.

Are you at an orgy?

An orgy?

Don't be ridiculous.

What kind of charity has an orgy?

Bye.

You know, a real gentleman

would've taken his poop before he came over.

Hello!

Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't know you were still up.

You must be Walden. I'm Lyndsey.

Oh. Hi.

Okay, uh, everybody's met.

Time to hit the old sackaroo.

Don't be rude, Alan.

So, I understand you're going through a tough divorce.

Yeah, it's tough for me.

She's breezing through it with naked, faceless people.

Have you guys tried to work things out, go to therapy?

I offered. She's not interested.

Well, that's all you can do-- make the offer.

Lyndsey?

Hang on.

So what, you're just sitting around

feeling sorry for yourself?

No. Sometimes I lay down.

Sometimes I curl up in a ball.

See, he's fine.

Listen to me.

We just met, we don't know each other,

but you obviously have a lot going for you.

You're tall, good-looking,

very successful.

Believe me, women settle for a lot less.

And thank God for that.

You need to get out there and find somebody

who appreciates all that you have to offer.

I don't want anybody else.