Man Like Mobeen

Where's he gone, man? Eight?

What if he's fallen in the canal?

Well, if he has, then he's dead.

- The app don't even work. - Your app don't work.

Have you lot seen Eight? It's a bit further down here.

Nah, he's lost again.

- Turn left. - No, it's this way.

- The app is on, but we still can't find him. - Turn left.

In five metres, turn left.

Eight!

I thought you said you loved nature.

I do love nature.

When it's on television and David Attenborough's presenting.

I hate nature in real life.

It smells like shit around here.

Plants and...plants and that.

It's so long.

I think I swallowed a mosquito.

- Yeah? You all right? - Yeah. Where is he, man?

He's got to be here somewhere.

- Turn left. - Well he's not going to be far, is he?

He never leaves Small Heath, cos...

I can only poo in my own house.

You have reached your destination.

He's an odd fellow. That's what Miss Peters used to say at school.

"You're an odd fellow, Arslan."

You don't want to go in there.

Don't!

- Where have you been? - You know him?

- Yes, we know him. He belongs to us, yeah. - This is our shed!

This? You bring it from home, did you?

- He kicked us out. - Life's full of disappointments, innit?

Yeah. Well, move on, then. Move.

What's McFly staring at, there? What are you going to do,

burn a man with your hair straighteners? Go away.

What are you doing in here, Bear Grylls?

You're not drinking your own piss again, are you?

- My grandad's dying. - What?!

From cancer.

Oh, that's so sad, man.

Gutted for you.

Do you know what stage it is?

- Yeah? - Seven.

I think there's only four stages, mate.

Yeah, mate. It's cancer, not Tetris.

You've gone about three extra stages...

..stages, there.

Oh, stage seven, oh, shit.

Yeah. Stage seven.

That's sad, man.

Wait, wait.

Please tell me it's your grandad in Pakistan and not Dadha Hussein.

It's Dadha Hussein.

Oh, man, he was the best one.

Nobody would have cared if it was your grandad in Pakistan, he...

Remember when he used to throw bricks at our shins in the summer holidays?

Proper hurting.

Yeah. He used to play a lot of cricket, innit, so...

- he's got a good aim. - Remember what he used to call me?

Africa!

That's fully racist, innit?

Can't call someone a whole continent cos of their skin colour, innit...

Proper knobhead, your Pakistan grandad.

Proper wish he had cancer.

Instead of Dadha Hussein, like,

if there was a choice in who the cancer fairy visited.

Cancer fairy, yeah? Hm?

- I'm sorry. - Well, it is Dadha Hussein, the grandad that I love.

And he's not going to be with us in four weeks.

Listen, hey. Hey.

Don't cry, man.

Anyway, he...

..he said he wants to see you two, innit, cos he needs some help

with summat, so come round the house later.

It's not helping him wash, is it? Cos I'm not comfortable with that.

No, it's not helping him wash.

Actually, it might be that, I don't know, but just come, innit?

Also, yeah, I just want to put this out there,

I'm not doing a euthanasia on him, man.

I don't want to do a euthanasia on anybody.

Strictly speaking, shouldn't it be called euthanasian?

I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Euthanasian?

- Did it work the first time? - Sorry.

EIGHT SNIFFS

DOOR CREAKS

THEY WHISPER

- Ah! - Ah! Bloody hell.

Look at you.

Here you are, my good boy.

Yeah, Dadha, I'm here.

Not you.

I was talking to Mobeen.

Oh, right, yeah.

You know,

you've always been the grandson I never had.

How are you, Dadha, are you OK?

I have been better, but...

..this life is very brief, you know.

Yeah.

And it's a test from Allah.

I'm not worried any more.

You're so brave, really.

No.

I'm shitting my chuddies.

Nobody wants to be bloody dying.

Come closer, I want to tell you a story.

When I was 17 and living in Pakistan, me and my mother,

we would have this conversation every day.

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married." "I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married." I don't want to get married.

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married." "You need to get married."

- "I don't want to get married." - OK, Dada, that's enough of that.

You didn't want to get married, it's all right.

Wait, but... Did you get married, then, Dadha?

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

So then I got married.

So you got married just to shut your mum up?

No, but he married my daadi and they lived happily ever after.

You proper hated his daadi, innit?

It's like you lot hate the Conservatives.

That's deep.

I was trapped, but then I got a chance

to come to the United Kingdoms

and to escape from the mental prison that I was in.

Najia didn't get a visa.

It was the 1970s.

I knew immediately this was a place of opportunity.

A place of opportunity

where skinheads would put dog shit through your letterbox.

Make Britain great again, eh?

Good times, they were. Good times.

So I opened the first video shop in the neighbourhood.

I made a fortune.

You were like the Small Heath Steve Jobs, weren't you?

He got cancer as well,

so that's like, another thing you got in common.

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

The shop got so busy that people would come and say to me,

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

You didn't need help in the shop.

No, but then, did you get help in the shop, then?

HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

So then I got an assistant, and,

to cut a long story short...

Please do.

..we fell in love.

And we got married and we have been man and wife ever since.

What?

So, you got with two wives?

OG, triple OG, getting it in, Dadha! Ta, ta!

Wild!

Then, things got complicated when Najia came over here.

- Yeah. - It was very, very hard.

Mm!

Sorry.

Hard, though, innit?

I could have done things better,

but I'm dying, now.

I need your help, Mobeen.

Najia won't let me see my Jamila.

- What? - Najia has gone too far.

She's locked all the doors and she's started scaring me.

I love my daadi, she would never do that.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

You know, the other day, I tried to get out of bed.

And she said, "You can't get out of the bed!"

"I want to get out of bed."

"You can't get out of the bed!" "I want to get out of the bed."

"You can't get out of the bed." "I want to get out of the bed."

She attacked me with a stick.

And then she threatened to cut off my cucumber.

THEY GASP

THUMP FROM DOWNSTAIRS

That's her down there.

She's nailing the window shut with the same hammer

that she'll come and kill us all with in a minute.

I think you're getting carried away.

HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

If the cancer doesn't kill me,

the crazy madwoman with the stick will kill me.

I need to see my Jamila at the video shop.