How I Met Your Mother

Kids, you may be wondering

How many of these stories I'm telling you are true.

It's a fair question.

After all, there's a fine line

Between a good story and a bald-faced lie.

I've never met anyone

Who could work that line better than your Uncle Barney.

Heck, he could jump rope with it.

I love to travel myself.

Really?

Where's the best place you've visited?

Hawaii's nice.

A buddy of mine lives in Seattle.

That's a good spot.

But the best place?

I'd have to say the moon.

Hi. Neil Armstrong.

No! You did not convince a girl that you were

The first man to walk on the moon!

That happened seven years before you were born!

Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.

Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship passed through a wormhole

Or some gamma Rays or something.

I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah.

So, you work in a yogurt shop. That must be wild.

Although, I did actually work In a yogurt store in High School.

And it was indeed...

Wild.

Anyhoo, 20 minutes later, the eagle landed.

We knocked Space boots.

Houston, we have a moaner.

Other Space-related double entendres.

Why do you feel the need to lie all the time?

I'm not lying!

Guys, we made sweet love.

I got pictures.

I hate my job.

What are you talking about?

I thought you just interviewed the mayor.

Mayor mcwoof.

He wears a dog costume and teaches kids not to litter.

At least He's supposed to.

Oh, I don't want to talk about mayor mcwoof.

I want to talk about these amazing insoles From bon appe-feet!

Just look how shock-absorbent they are!

Prop table! Table's a prop!

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Oh. Sorry, Robin.

Got bored.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

Man, just one decent interview Would be so nice for a change.

Fine. I'll look at my schedule, see when I'm available.

But I want a list of questions ahead of time,

And my personal life is off limits.

Ted, you caught seven peanuts in a row.

It's impressive, but it's not newsworthy.

- You caught seven in a row? - Seven in a row.

But that's not what I'm talking about that.

No. I'm talking about how I was selected to build

A scale model of the empire state building

For the largest recreation Of the New York skyline in the world.

Is that the thing you were playing with the other night?

I wasn't playing.

I was working.

"it's you."

"it's me."

"I saw you in the street.

Are you Annie?"

"yes."

Ted, are you acting out the last scene

Of sleepless in Seattle with little dolls?

How long have you been out here?

Ten seconds.

Yeah. Just the last scene.

Oh, Ted. Again?

Ooh. That's the pizza.

Baby, do you have any cash?

Oh. You know, uh, I don't... I actually...

I don't think that I should Have to pay.

'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.

What?!

Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country

For a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.

I once caught you eating pizza in the shower.

Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.

I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza,

But last time he went in for a physical,

Doctor says, "marshall, you got to stop eating pizza."

Marshall says, "why?" doc says, "so I can examine you."

But seriously, we kid because we love.

All right, look, the reason

That I don't have any money on me is because...

I got mugged.

You...? What?

Can somebody please pay Arthur? All right? I'm starving!

How's your dad, by the way? Better.

Good. Mm. Mm.

Oh, my God, you got mugged?!

Who mugged you?

Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap And a five o'clock shadow?

Did he say, "stick 'em up?"

Yes, Barney, because I got mugged in 1947

At the corner of abbott and costello. No.

I was cutting through central park on my way home from work...

Watch it.

Don't get any closer.

It's cool. It's cool.

It was... Completely terrifying.

It was... Completely terrifying.

What are you doing?

I'm rehearsing.

I'm gonna pretend this happened to me later

To try and get some sympathy sex.

Barney, that won't work.

Will it?

Big time. I'll allow it.

I can't believe Someone pointed a gun at my marshmallow.

Now, I'm shaking.

I-I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

Oh! Here, sweetie. I have something that will help you sleep.

Just stick this under your pillow.

You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.

Robin, put that away.

It's not going to hurt anyone.

The safety's... on.

Okay, you know what?

Let's all just relax.

We don't need a gun.

I'd just like to forget this ever happened

And try to move on with my life.

Just like to forget this ever happened

And try to move on with my life.

This is great stuff.

I think I'm gonna add tears, though.

Listen, baby, I know that it's scary, but look at me.

I'm fine, okay?

Can we just put this behind us?

Oh, that's gold, but I'm going

To switch it to " put me behind you."

Look, baby, you don't have to worry about me.

I mean, yes, I'm a little scared, but I'm a new yorker.

I'm not gonna let this change me.

I've changed!

I'm a gun person now.

Clip! Yeah, maybe we should just take

A break for a little bit... I said, "clip."

You want to get a gun? Not a scary one.

Just a cute, little, pink beretta that matches

These adorable strappy sandals I just bought.

By the way, our new credit card works.

You don't need a gun.

Every statistic in the world points to the fact that

It's safer not to have a gun in the home than to have one,

Especially in our home.

You know how I'm always accidentally injuring you.

Pretty easy, right?

Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start.

Boo!

Oh, my God, Lily!

I thought you were going as a sexy cat!

I changed my mind.

And now you want to bring a gun into that equation?

I know, you're right, but every time I close my eyes,

I picture that guy pointing a gun at you.

And you're my whole world, Marshall.

If something ever happened to you, I would just...

I would just... Okay.

Okay... No, I know. I know.

Okay, look, I've got to admit something.

That mugging didn't happen exactly the way that I said it did.

Aha! So he was wearing a black, skull-knit cap.

Told... Ja! No, he wasn't wearing A black, skull-knit cap.

He wasn't wearing anything.

Wait, so... Watch it.

Don't get any closer.

It's... It's cool.

It's cool.

He naked-muggered you?

I'm not going to ask where he was keeping the gun.

Are we sure it was a gun?

Okay, no, guys.

I was, I was walking home from work... Through central park,

And I stopped at the zoo.

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

Oh, it's cool. It's cool.

You're telling us... That you got mugged... By a monkey.

I got mugged by a monkey.

You got mugged by a monkey?

Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.

I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story.

But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.

Oh, forget about the gun. We're on this now.

Whoa, monkeys are mugging people now?

It really is a jungle out there.

Oh, my God! That monkey has our address.

What if he's in a gang?

I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.

Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back?

'cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it,