Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

All right, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn!

Whoa!

You might want to j...

Let me start by saying, that at some point in your life,

you're going to make this mistake.

Well, maybe not this exact mistake,

but especially in relationships,

everyone has decisions they wish they could take back.

Cooper, to celebrate our one month anniversary,

I just sent you a little picture.

Did you get it?

Will you marry me?

: I'll take that as a yes.

Now you have to send me something.

Uh, Lena, I don't know if that's a good idea.

FYI...

the next pic I want to send you

incorporates my gymnastics background.

What's the worst that could happen?

I think we know the answer to that.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_

- Incoming. - Oh...!

- Oh! What is this yellow, - Yes.

sudsy beverage you've thrown me?

"B-eer"?

- Am I saying that right? - (Barry laughs)

Neal, what's up, man?

You love it when Josh ironically pretends

like he's never tried alcohol.

Sorry.

I just found a picture of Karina

and her new boyfriend.

He's basically my twin.

- Oh no.... - Yeah, I thought that was you.

Got nothing on you. - Hi.

I'm going to work out.

Who wants to come?

Why does that question always get a laugh?

Because it helps us to not feel bad about ourselves.

He's so fat.

She's obviously just trying

to make me jealous, right?

I mean, with this guy...

and this engagement ring thing...

and she's clearly depressed;

look how much weight she's gained.

I think she's pregnant.

Yeah, like eight months.

Come on, man, the only reason

you're obsessing about your ex

is 'cause you haven't hooked up with anyone in a while,

which is what I am here for.

Cooper, you know if I swung that way you'd be my first choice,

but it would just ruin our friendship.

I appreciate that, man.

I'm gonna help you find someone, starting tonight.

You guys could, uh, tag along

to this art charity thing

that Leslie's dragging me to.

Should be some really fine ladies.

- No, I'm good, man, thank you. - (others mutter disapproval)

There'll be free booze and food.

- Oh, hell yeah! - I'm ready to go, you ready?

Let's do it.

Not for, like, five hours.

Well, what the hell

you saying something right now for?

Who's gonna finish with the highest score?

No matter what you're dealing with:

your work issues,

your husband, who you thought

was in the Navy, but really has a second family in Pomona...

You leave it on the bike!

Three! Two! One!

- Time! - (buzzer sounds)

Long live the queen.

I really enjoyed

watching you ride in there.

Okay, kind of creepy.

I mean, thank you so much.

I'm Shane, AKA Tunes.

Tunes? I feel like I've seen your name

at the top of the male leaderboard.

Ah, it's possible,

male and female, actually,

- but it's not about winning for me. - Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry.

I'm also super competitive.

I have nightmares about losing to my niece at checkers,

so you're safe here.

Pfft! That is adorable.

You see, when I'm winning is the only time

I'm not thinking about winning,

and I'm never not not thinking about winning

because I always win.

Okay, first of all, I love how many times

you just said the word "winning."

Second of all,

I feel the same way.

Life is a giant...

- competition. - Competition.

You want to get a pressed juice?

Uh, do you want to lose at pressed juice?

- You're on. - No, you're on.

Oh, I'm gonna beat you there.

- I'll beat you there. - I'll beat you. Forgot your bag.

- Damn it. - Oh!

All right, Neal.

Get your game face on, okay?

There's a lot of hot women here tonight.

Come on, dude, you know I can't just go talk to them.

I am way too nervous

and my body literally starts breaking down.

Just got to block that out, okay? Come on.

Hey, ladies. I'm Cooper.

This is my very good friend Neal.

Hey, how's it going?

Where are you ladies from?

Dallas.

Nice. Love Dallas.

Your nose is bleeding.

What's your poison?

What are you drinking there?

Can I buy you one sometime, ever?

- I don't feel very good, all of a sudden... - Tilt your head back. Watch it.

: I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry.

I got to be honest with you,

I've never been to a art exhibit before,

but this is nice. I don't even know how to act.

Look, just hold your glass like this.

- Okay. - And say something like:

What an impressive exhibition.

What an impressive exhibition.

That's good.

You're officially a grown-up.

- Thank you. Mmm... - Very good.

- Oh, I don't think... - Oh, my God! Oh!

Chicken fingers.

No, those aren't chicken fingers.

: They should hand these out.

The guys and, uh, Leslie are really hitting it off.

Is that surprising?

Well, a little.

Why?

Well, she's a sophisticated intellectual

and you guys are complete idiots.

- Asked and answered. - Uh-huh.

Oh, look, there's Kelly...

and her boyfriend of no more than three hours.

Mm.

- Oh, I'll beat you there. - No, I'll beat you.

- What's up, guys? - Hi, guys.

Sorry we're late. This is Shane.

- What's up, bro? - We just took a killer route here

from Burbank.

Destroyed Waze's estimation by 11 minutes.

- (laughing): Hell, yeah! - Okay.

What are you guys drinking?

Uh, white wine.

I'm gonna get us something better than that.

Yeah, you will.

Oh, twice.

Oh, my gosh, isn't he great?

We're both so competitive.

I really feel that, together,

we can beat everyone else at relationships.

- And they lived happily ever after. - (Kelly chuckles)

Guys, I don't feel good, I'm gonna go home.

Aw, come on, man, you can turn this around.

No, I can't turn this around, all right?

You could 'cause you're Cooper Barrett

and your platelets clot, all right?

You never make mistakes with the ladies.

Hey, Cooper!

Your penis is on display in the other room.

That's definitely Cooper's penis.

Whoo! Yeah, that's Cooper.

Guys, just 'cause you think it looks like mine,

which is weird, by the way, it doesn't mean it is.

Oh, look, it's called, "Cooper."

Wait, really?

_

Why would my penis be on display in an art gallery?

Folks, if you have any questions

about this piece in particular,

the artist is right over there.

Coop, isn't that your ex-girlfriend?

Oh... that'd be why.

Cooper, that's... (snorts) very impressive.

It's not funny.

There's a giant, framed photo of my junk on display.

I can't believe she would do this.

Are you kidding? The day after you broke up,

she moved all her stuff into our apartment

- while you were at work. - And you guys helped her.

She might have been cray-cray,

but that love seat was to die for.

- Leslie? - Very good.