Two and a Half Men

Previously on:

Wait. Judith threw Herb out? When?

Apparently, about a week ago.

Of course you can't compete hard body to hard body,

but you're still a very desirable woman.

You think so?

Oh! Oh, Alan.

You're a good man, and I'm never gonna let you go again.

Never?

I thought you'd be happy.

I thought so, too.

I mean, come on.

You had the woman who took all your money

and threw you out of your house, naked and crouched on the sofa.

There was no sofa.

It was the divan in her bedroom, and I was doing the crouching.

Why were you...?

Never mind. I don't want to know.

The point is, you won.

You had a perfect night of revenge sex.

That's the fourth best kind of sex you can have.

Fourth?

What are the other...?

Never mind. I don't want to know.

Charlie, the problem is that now that Judith and Herb are over,

she thinks that we're...

...back to square one

in dealing with the PTA carnival.

What?

The-The school carnival

that we used to, uh, raise money for.

: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith...

...Ithcariot.

Judith Ithcariot.

Who thold out our lord for 30 pieces of thilver.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I was just, uh, telling your uncle

about this, uh... this, uh... this great, uh, cartoon.

Uh, "Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told."

Sounds lame.

Classic Warner Brothers animation.

Boy, you really suck at this.

The thing is, I'm not sure I want to be back with Judith.

Well, let's look at the pros and cons.

The pros are, if you move out,

I'll have an empty guest room....

tinest, tootin'est apostle in all of Jerusalem.

Gethsemane Sam!

What?

Or how about Barabas Bunny?

: Uh, what's up, Pontius?

If Berta finds out you're leaving,

she'll want your room, and I don't need a live-in maid.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not leaving.

Oh, good, 'cause I was worried.

Look,

I have already been married to Judith, and we...

We... We...

We should send Jack to military school?

What?

Oh, oh, uh, yeah.

Charlie, he wasn't supposed to hear that.

I'm going to military school?

If you don't shape up, yeah.

And it's not gonna be our military, either.

I don't want to go to any military school.

Well, then, you better get to your homework.

Okay, okay.

Extortion.

So simple.

Who knew? Yeah.

If the kid's going to military school,

I'll take his room.

No, no, Berta, you misunderstood.

He's not going to military school?

I'm not going to military school?!

You are going to military school!

He's not going to military school.

Okay, then, I'll take Zippy's room

when he moves back to Judith.

: Oh, for God's sake, does she hear everything?

Some things I just infer.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Oh-ho * Men. *

Get me another beer, would you?

Why can't you get it yourself?

This is beautiful.

Hey, Judith. What's shakin'?

Mom, I'll be good! Don't send me to military school!

Where's that beer, maggot?

Nothing. Nothing.

Just a little game we're playing.

So anyway, Judy, what's new in your little world?

Hang on. I'll see if he's here.

: Oh, no, no. I'm not here. I'm not here.

Sorry, he's not here.

Oh, wait. He just walked in.

: Why?

: Why not?

Oh, hey, hey, Judith.

I was just about to call you.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Hold on a sec.

Let me... Let me get some privacy.

What are they talking about?

Nothing important.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Where's Jake?

Washing my car.

Then he's gonna clean the garage.

We should have thought of this years ago.

I know. I'm kicking myself.

Okay, I won't be late.

Hot date with the ex?

Oh, no, nothing hot about it.

It's just dinner, and I'm going to tell her

that the other night was just a onetime thing,

and that I don't see that we have a future together.

But me you see a future with?

I finished the garage.

You sure?

Yeah.

(plays "The Halls of Montezuma")

Let me look again.

More wine?

Oh, I'd-I'd better not.

I have to drive.

Have some more wine. Oh.

Maybe a splash.

Oh, oh, my.

I, uh, hope this is a good driving wine.

Oh, that-that feels good.

I'm glad.

Have you been working out?

Oh, just the Bowflex.

I, uh, had to give up my gym membership

so I could get my tooth filled.

Well, whatever you're doing, it's working.

A lot of definition here.

Oh, Oh, that would be this one.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Yeah, yeah.

So, would you like some dessert?

Oh, oh, don't go to any trouble.

It's no trouble, sweetie.

I like taking care of you.

And I like being taken care of.

Ugh!

Wake up! Wake up!

Um, uh, listen, Judith,

I-I've been thinking about you and me.

Me, too.

Oh. Oh. Oh, good.

You know, even though

the other night was wonderful and all,

I think it might be better

if we tried slowing things down a bit.

I agree. You do?

Of course. I'm barely out of my marriage to Herb.

True, true.

Here, careful. Hot pudding.

So, uh, you'll get the divorce,

and then, you know, we'll see where we are.

That sounds great. Well, good.

I'm, uh... I'm glad we're on the same page.

Oh, hot. I told you it was hot.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Have some more wine.

Aw. Oh.

That's better. That's better.

I'll get your spoon.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh.... pudding!

MAN (on TV): So when the moment's right, and she's ready,

you'll be ready, too.

Side effects may include, nausea, headaches, dry mouth,

blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage,

kidney failure and massive stroke.

She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

Hey.

Hey.

Is Jake asleep?

Probably not.

After dinner, I made him watch Full Metal Jacket

and Deerhunter.

Oh, Charlie.

And how was your evening?

Oh, it was really a lot of fun.

You know, I'd forgotten how nice she can be.

Judith?

Who else would I be talking about?

I don't know. Somebody actually nice.

What was the name of Jimmy Carter's wife?

Rosalynn?

She was nice.

I always got a good vibe off her.

Are you drunk?

Define drunk.

Would you rather I talk to you in the morning?

No, no. The liquor makes you more interesting. Go on.