2 Broke Girls

Come on, Max. Class is starting.

I saved you a spot next to me.

Be right there. Strapping in the girls.

Lefty's a little cranky this morning.

Thanks for getting these work out bands

out of the Equinox dumpster.

I was already in there. I had a meeting

with my accountant.

We're not doing great, by the way.

We're gonna do resistance work with them.

I'm already resistant.

I'm almost at violent.

Do what I'm doing.

Let my crack stick out?

And pulse, and pulse, and pulse.

Let me just get rid of that pulse for you.

Come on, Max, the heart machine at Rite Aid said you were 80

and printed you a prescription for a wheelchair.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Is there a bed on me?

Get my wheelchair.

Hey, girls.

Check out Barbara's new ride.

We need help.

And not just because Barbara has a luxury SUV before I do.

Ohh.

Great workout.

I'm gonna cool down with a bagel.

No, I just came down here to bring you your mail.

And Barbara wanted to show off her car

because you girls are poor.

Overdue cell phone bill, electricity...

Sophie, this mail is from a month ago.

What? It's mail, not cottage cheese.

Oh, wait. I think there might be

a little cottage cheese in there.

Got any of that for my bagel?

Oh, my God. The movie they're making

about my life is coming out.

Is it called Good Will Boring?

And Max, we're invited to the press junket

to promote the movie.

In two days?

Uh-oh.

I don't even think my hair girl could help you in time

and she's got three hands.

Sophie, I hope it's not too late to RSVP.

I was waiting for some news about the movie.

I thought it went to the wrong person.

Like my 20s.

Come on, Barbara. Let's cruise the playground

and make fun of babies in Chevy Volts.

Uh, can Barbara drop me off at Equinox?

They throw out the expired Clif Bars at 3:30.

Oh, Han, Max and I

have to do press for my movie,

so we can't work tomorrow.

I get it. Why break your six-year streak?

I guess with all your movie money,

you two can move on and I can hire two waitresses

who don't use my office as a gambling hall.

Han, Caroline already spent all the movie money

on the dessert bar.

Also, I need your office in 20 minutes.

We're interviewing a new roulette dealer.

Well, can you at least tell people

not to put cigarettes out on my family photos?

There's a giant hole in my grandma.

Ooh! They just sent a cast list.

Guess who's playing me?

Tess Walker.

She is a very big...

hold on, let me read what she's a very big.

If it's big-boobed, they did zero research.

Tess is from Australia. She's a rising star

and got her start in the romantic comedy G'day Kate.

Max, you're being played by Vanessa Robinson.

Not a name, but that's what they do.

Vanessa Robinson?

She's on my favorite Disney show,

That's So Vanessa Robinson.

How do they expect a Disney goody-two-shoes to play me?

She won't be realistic playing high or drunk

or fighting the bear from The Revenant.

Ooh, Max, who's playing me?

Michelle Kim?

I'm being played by a woman?

Calm down, not a woman. It's an 11-year-old girl.

And she's probably more upset about it than you are.

That's preposterous. An 11-year-old girl

couldn't own a diner.

You do.

Hey, guys. I picked up your lunch.

There were two other orders from customers in here.

Hey.

Bobby, Tess Walker is playing me in the movie about me.

From G'day Kate!

Oh, yeah. She's Kate, right?

Or or the one that says "G'day" to her?

Either way, she's not as pretty as you.

Ohh, you know exactly what I tell you to say.

Ooh, the fries are good from not here.

Oleg, try these.

Hey, Oleg.

It says here you're being played by Pete Chilton.

My gosh, he's the one who played the serial killer

in that funny movie we saw.

I hope the penis is accurate.

This is a full frontal role, right?

It is here.

Oh, it doesn't look like there's a Sophie character.

Oh, but there is one named Pearl,

a Black Polish woman who works as the diner's cashier.

What?

They combined me with Earl?

I mean, if I wanted to be combined with someone,

I wouldn't have given up a liver

to be separated from my twin.

Hey, they made me a woman?

I haven't been a woman since I was trying to outrun

the mob with Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, holy crap, Caroline.

Your ex Candy Andy's a character in the movie

and he's gonna be at the press junkie.

Junket. You're a junkie, get it right.

And Candy Andy? Why is he in the movie?

Shouldn't he be old enough to go by Candrew Andrew at this point?

Bobby, before you get crazy jealous,

he is very handsome and I went places with him sexually

that I had never been before.

But... ah, anyway, I'm with you, now, and he's married.

That's cool, I'm just... I'm just not a jealous guy.

I am confident in our rock solid relationship.

Well, that's very annoying.

All these reporters and photographers remind me

of when I lost my baby teeth.

Oh, my father left a summer home under my pillow.

I left my baby teeth in the octagon with Ronda Rousey.

This would be a great opportunity

to plug our dessert bar.

Let's do a lap and start

whispering about ourselves to get a buzz going.

If you think I don't already have a buzz going at 11:00 a.m.,

then you don't know me.

Oh, my God, that's the Sophie and Earl mash-up.

She was the football coach on Girl Meets World!

This is getting real!

Caroline Channing?

I'm Daisy. I'm with the PR team.

Maybe you've heard of me. Kylie Jenner threw

a full can of Sprite at my head last year.

That's why my pupils are so big!

Daisy, don't worry. I am not high maintenance.

How can I be sure that all photos of me

are taken on the north side of my face?

I'm Max. Uh, what does it mean when you don't have pupils?

You guys are so cute.

Oh, I know you haven't seen the movie,

so I'll give you a quick rundown of what happens

for press questions.

Uh, let's see. You lose your money.

Sad, sad, sad. And then you meet this one.

Sad, sad, sad.

- You are so cute. - Oh.

It's not as much about the two of you anymore.

The storyline came off a little lesbionic,

which is kinda last year.

I just came off a little lesbionic.

Maggie won't stop calling me.

Oh, my God.

There's Tess. Oh, she's flawless.

She's the perfect me.

Tess, It's me! You, Caroline!

Oh, and the young lady playing you hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, that's what the real Max should've done.

You're so cute. No, she went real method

in researching the role of you.

And now she's real into drugs.

I'm so upset. You just can't tell

because I'm heavily medicated.

Hello, unattended bar.

Caroline Channing in person.

Oh, this must be what it was like

when Julia Roberts met Erin Brockovich.

Or the other way around.

Oh, and this is Brent, the actor playing Candy Andy.

Should it be awkward between us

since you're playing one in a long string

of two ex-boyfriends?

Thanks.

Thanks for having a tragic life

so I could fall in love on screen.

And off.

Uh, see, I think audiences would much rather

see me wind up with, let's say, a working class,

blue collar contractor, maybe named Bobby.

You're so cute. No, it was pretty obvious

to everyone you should wind up with Candy Andy.

Yeah, I thought so, too.