American Housewife

We got a new batch of holiday cards.

Ugh, Christmas cards in this town

are so over-the-top.

Sweet Lord.

This folds out into a full nativity scene.

Is that camel hair?

Ooh, I'm saving this one.

This is just another opportunity

for people to show off.

Look at these pictures!

New house, new boobs,

old nanny who's now the new wife.

Who are they trying to impress with these things?

Me!

Check out this cardstock. Is this linen?

- It's linen, Katie. - Mm-hmm.

This is softer than our sheets.

Well, I did buy our sheets from the grocery store, so...

Look, the Harpers went to Australia and got to pet a whale.

Mnh-mnh.

Why are you so mad at the whale?

Sea mammals have nothing to do with Christmas.

That card is just a way of telling us that they went on an expensive vacation.

And I already know that

because I hate-follow Shelly Harper's Instagram.

Why do you let things like this bother you so much?

Because I don't want our kids thinking

that this shallowness is what Christmas is about.

Christmas is about being cozy and eating cookies from a tin,

and then the kids arguing over who gets the tin,

and then me yelling, "All right! Nobody gets the tin!"

That's what Christmas is about.

Add in a touch of Baby Jesus.

Greg, your phone.

Yeah, I was just checking to make sure that it's working.

Waiting to hear if I got that speaking gig.

I could use the money for a new laptop.

The old one heats up like a panini press.

Burned the hairs straight off my thighs.

Work better pick you over that jerk Kidney Disease Carl.

I know my department has a lot of Carls,

but you need to come up with a nicer nickname.

Merry Christmas, Ottos!

- Oh, hey, Viv. - Santa Viv!

- Hi! - Ohh.

You just let yourself in now.

Oh, you.

That's not an answer.

Ah.

No, no, no, no, no!

These quinoa muffins are for Greg and the kids.

I got you something even better...

- The gift of potential. - Oh.

- A Fitbit. - Right!

That's a fresh, new way of calling me fat.

You're not fat, Katie. You're on your way to thin.

These muffins are pointy...

which is a fun surprise.

Oh, good.

Hey, guys, so I'm guessing

your Christmas-lighting designer is non-existent.

And since I have to look at your house every day,

I can just send over my guys, Scott and Scott.

The Two Scotts.

Mnh-mnh. We're good.

Our simple decorations are perfect just the way they are.

No, they're not.

In other news,

you are looking at the chairwoman

for the school concert tomorrow.

I need help setting up,

so I assume you'll volunteer your Katie skills.

Actually, my Katie skills are what I use

to get out of volunteering for things.

Oh, Katie.

You know, if you're not careful,

you're gonna wind up on my naughty list.

And watch out.

I spank.

Ho!

Okay.

- Ho, ho! - Right.

Merry Christmas!

Bye, Viv!

We have got to start locking this door.

Why'd you throw that out?

It's a computer that tells me how little I exercise,

which I already know.

Viv is just like Santa.

She gives gifts, she volunteers,

she even wears the hat.

No, I'm like Santa.

We both have the same body-type,

and we make lists of people who've pissed us off.

You're more like Krampus.

Who's Krampus?

That's you... Krampus.

I can't believe you think Mama is a monster.

Krampus isn't a monster, Mama.

He's just a half-goat, half-demon

who punishes children during the holidays,

and sometimes eats their hands and butts.

See, it's not so bad.

He's far and away my favorite of the anti-Santa villains.

- Name two others. - Von Krispin...

- Oh, Greg. - Mama, not in front of the Elf.

The Elf on the Mantle.

The little narc who reports everything we do back to Santa.

And he's always staring at me like a grade-A perv.

It's half the price of the one you're thinking of.

I don't want him telling Santa that you're acting like Krampus.

Then none of us will get any gifts.

I'm pretty sure the rest of us will still get gifts.

Unh-unh! The Elf is getting all of this,

and he's gonna run it right up the ladder!

Don't worry. The Elf loves Mama.

I love this little fella.

I'll even turn the light on so he can watch us

- all night long. - Okay.

Now I have to go practice for the holiday concert tomorrow.

But you practiced all morning.

Mr. Brannagan gets mad if we don't sing right.

Anna-Kat.

I can't make a mistake!

What's wrong with that music teacher?

It's a little kids' school concert.

The whole thing is a mistake!

I bet it's hard for him to get kids to focus this time of year.

Why do you always do that?

Okay, this seems like one of those things

where you feel like we've talked about it a hundred times,

and it's completely new to me.

You never lose your temper.

You are always trying to put a positive spin on things.

- How do you live with it? - No, really!

You defended those obnoxious Christmas cards,

you defended your co-worker,

even Anna-Kat's horrible music teacher.

Also in there, I defended you.

Don't cloud my anger with love.

Stop acting like nothing bothers you,

when I know it does.

Things bother me.

The ending of the space program.

That's pretty much it.

If we can't hate together,

then I end up looking like a fire-breathing Christmas dragon.

Again, Krampus is half-goat, half-demon.

Dragons are a whole-different milieu.

We bumped into some gifts on the top shelf of your closet

that we can only assume are ours.

Books, pajamas. Really, Mom?

If you had confusion about our wish lists,

you could have come to us.

We try to make ourselves available

for these types of things.

Greg!

What's a positive spin

on your kids acting like entitled Westport...

Language!

...apple holes?

Okay, obviously,

you guys are completely out of line.

But this is a good opportunity for a Christmas lesson.

Right!

Now I'm Krampus Katie and you're jolly, old Saint Greg!

Honey, the Elf on the Mantle.

I don't care about the Elf! It doesn't have feet!

Doesn't that freak anyone else out?

No, Mom, seriously, the Elf.

Oh!

Agh!

Augh!

Aah!

Okay.

Whew! Crisis averted!

You murdered our Elf.

Krampus.

I've got a PR problem, Greg.

Anna-Kat muttered "Krampus"

as she passed me in the hallway this morning.

Am I really that bad?

Well, you say things out loud

that polite society frowns upon...

and impolite society.

Really, all society.

Don't worry about it. She'll get over it.

Besides, the Christmas Elf's pretty much back to normal.

Okay, I have to fix this.

I have to figure out a way to show Anna-Kat

that I have Christmas spirit.

I am not Krampus. I can be nice.

But that means you have to punish Oliver and Taylor

for being spoiled jerks.

Way ahead of you.

I've got a great punishment lined up for them today.

Good will towards men... they're gonna hate it.

Their pain brings me Christmas joy!

- Hey! - Santa Viv is back!

Hey!