The Office

What ?

Oh, nothing.

Pam's on vacation.

And she gets back tomorrow.

So, it'll be nice to see her.

It'll be nice. And...

She set a date for the wedding with Roy.

June, summer.

So, that'll be nice.

And that's that.

What ?

Oh, nothing.

Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week.

I would be creeped out by it.

But it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

Spamster.

Pam, plus Spam, plus...

- Hamster. - Right.

Welcome back. How was your vacation ?

- It was great. - Yeah ? Did you get lucky ?

Oop ! Boink.

Roy and I just got back from the Poconos.

I get ten vacation days a year.

And I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible.

And this year I got to the third week in January.

I am Pam. Spicoli guy.

Oh, God.

He needs numbers. Okay.

Whoa ! God ! Yuck ! Yuck, yuck, yuck.

- What ? - Yuck ! Wow ! What happened in there ?

- I don't know. - There is stink in there. My God !

- What is- what is that ? - Oh, I don't know.

- Is that a bird ? - No, I don't think it's a bird.

Oh, God, how could that happen ? How could...

- Right in the middle of the carpet. - What's going on ?

Somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.

- I don't think that's vomit. - Check it out.

- Me ? - Check it out.

Don't be a wuss. Just get, no, I'm not holding your coffee.

- Tell me what it is. - Oh, that's a real bitch.

What is it ?

- Michael. - What is it ?

No, just tell me what it is.

Michael, I gotta get outta here ! I can't hold my breath that long.

Open the door up.

It smelled terrible.

Oh ! Phew !

Oh, no !

I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that there.

- That's no burst pipe. - Well, how do you know that ?

What is it then ?

Hey guys ! Somebody making soup ?

Here she comes. All clean ? Great.

- Too stinky. - That is worse.

She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet.

Total permeation.

I am a big fan of Fear Factor.

I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually.

So, this is sort of like my audition tape.

I can't stand it

I can't stand it in here another second.

Hey, welcome back.

Thanks.

So, how was the resort ? Did you ski a lot ?

A little.

Good.

What's going on here ?

What ?

I did not do that.

That sounds disgusting.

It wasn't me.

It wasn't me

It was not me.

Hey, Jim !

I thought that we would be desk buddies while they change my carpet.

That might be a little difficult with the one computer.

But there's definitely a desk open in the back.

Yeah..

- Which I guess I'll be taking. - No, seriously. I don't mind sharing.

No, no, no. Seriously. I'll be in the back.

Hey, Kelly.

Are you moving back here ?

Just for the day while Michael's at my desk.

Because Toby used to sit there.

But then he had to move over there because of an allergy.

Allergy to...the desk ?

Weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ol' bullpen.

- The ol' bullpen. - Don't hate me.

- Okay. - This is great.

Yeah.

The pressures of my office are insane.

I just- you couldn't understand.

But you guys have it easy out here.

You know, I used to sit right here ?

- No way. - Yeah

And who had your office ?

Ed Truck.

Ed Truck was the manager before me.

Horrible. He hated fun.

It was like, Ed Truck is walking toward us.Stop having fun.

Start pretending to do work.

What a jerk. He's...You know what ?

I swore to myself, that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager,

people would laugh when they saw me coming.

And would applaud as I walked away.

I'm serious, my closet doors will not shut.

I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up.

Cause aren't all hangers like, that big ?

So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that.

So now I'm doing this new thing,

where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor.

And I walk around the piles to get an outfit...

You know who used to sit at that desk ?

That guy Miles who quit to form his own company ?

Todd Packer.

- No. - Yeah.

- I thought he was out on the road. - He was, but...

That desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.

When I was in training, many years ago. Not so long ago.

I worked side by side with a fellow named Todd Packer.

And together we rocked the office.

Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off.

And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.

I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Excuse me one second please.

What is it that you need right now that can't wait,

until I'm off the phone with a customer ?

A customer. Well, sound the alarm.

Okay.

Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute.

Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

- What did you hit me for ? - Oh, Charlie Horse.

- What ? - Charlie Horse !

- You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. - Okay !

Once, as a joke Packer banged every chick in the office.

It was hysterical.

Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs,

Basically anything that is awesome.

- Sno-cones... - Hey, Jim.

Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.

- It's the lever on the side. - That's what I told him. Thanks.

Oh, my God. He is so cute.

Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me ?

- No, I don't think I can. - Please Jim. Please, please, Jim

Please, please ? He's so cute. I like him so much.

And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim ? Please, please.

Please ? Please, Jim, please ? Please, please ?

- Dwight. - Michael.

- Let's set up accounting. - What ?

Old-fashioned raid. Sales on accounting.

Follow my lead.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Michael.

- What's up ? - Hey, Dwight.

Come on, come on !

- Sales rule ! - Yes !

Yeah, yeah !

- Should we help them pick up their stuff ? - No, no...

We don't do that. We don't do that.

Watch out Pam. You're next.

You're gonna throw my things on the ground ?

Maybe.

What happened in Michael's office is wrong.

I understand it. It makes sense.

But it's, but it was still wrong.

Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet ?

I don't know.

Could have been done out of hate. Could be done out of love

It could be completely neutral.

Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady.

Well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously.

because my office still reeks like you would not believe.

I hate her.

You know what ? I am beginning to think,

that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.

Against the office. The only thing that makes sense.

Hello, am I the 107th caller ?

Hello, Rock 107, am I the 107th caller ?

Hello, Rock 107, am I the 107th caller ?

I'm totally going to win us that box set.

Stop. Stop it.

Stop it.

Don't.

Don't.

I need to make a sales call.

- Please. - All right.

Am I the 107th caller ?

That is so soon.

We'll go back. We'll go back in a couple weeks, baby.