Selfie

Growing up, I saw birthdays

as a chance to party with my friends.

or at the least, the one friend

who my mom hired, who happened to be a clown.

Nowadays, I party like a drunk Reese Witherspoon.

I am an American citizen,

and I am on U.S. soil!

Unfortunately, not everyone thinks life is a party,

and by "Not everyone," I mean Henry.

The cellphone is an extension of the hand.

In fact, the very surface of your cellular device

is home to thousands of germs, microbes, and bacteria,

capable of causing everything from

pneumonia to diphtheria and quite possibly --

Aids!

N-no, not aids.

Ebola?

Those are the two I'm mainly worried about.

Charlie, I will not hesitate to mace you!

Move!

Charlie! - I'm sorry, sir.

She's way stronger than me.

Yeah, she is. How can I help you?

You know damn well I'm here on official company business.

Let's just get it over with.

Don't be mad at me.

I didn't come up with the policy.

I don't also need a lecture! - Fine.

Ready? - I'm ready.

Go.

* Happy Birthday to you *

It's your birthday?!

* Happy Birthday dear Henry-y-y-y *

* Happy Birthday to you *

Saturday is my birthday.

Policy dictates that the "Happy Birthday" song

must be administered on or before the employee's date of birth,

and I don't work on Saturdays, so...

Thank you, Charmonique. I have been served.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

Eliza and I are late for a meeting with R&D.

I'm sorry. I just don't enjoy being celebrated.

Your birthday lands on a weekend?

You're basically living my dream.

My next b-day falls on stupid Tuesday.

Don't disparage Tuesdays.

Tuesdays have done nothing to you.

So, what are you gonna do to celebrate?

I'm not entirely sure.

Julia and I may grab dinner.

Other than that, I was hoping to power-wash my carport,

maybe finish this documentary on tiny houses.

Who wronged you? - What?

Why are you the way you are?

There he is! Birthday boy!

Got you something. Don't try to dodge it.

Don't you dare try and dodge it!

He's dodging it! He's a dodg-- whoa!

Birthday boy?

No idea, sir.

He's getting wilier with age.

I do admire that.

See that he gets that.

All this just to avoid people giving you gifts?

What constitutes a gift is entirely subjective.

In my experience, co-workers alternate

between cheap, impersonal items like this partially used

Barry's brisket gift card from Larry

and lavish, impersonal items like this...

Endangered ivory-tusk letter opener from Saperstein.

Henry, you have spent weeks impressing upon me

the importance of good manners and social grace.

There's no way I'm not getting you a birthday present.

Fair enough.

Then I task you with finding something personal --

meaningful, yet modest.

Fine. But, um...

Can I cop that barry's brisket gift card?

Because I am hella hangry, and it's, like, not even noon.

Go ahead. - Thank you.

What do you guys think Henry would love more --

A tempur-pedic pillow or a mug that says "I mean business!"?

Mug. - They both sound terrible.

He says he wants something modest, yet meaningful.

What am I supposed to do --

Capture and gift wrap Cate Blanchett?

Oh, you know who I've always wanted to capture?

Clive Owen.

I just think he's great.

Yeah, but isn't he kind of Clive Owen in everything?

Oh, that's not fair.

Can we focus, please? Let's think.

What's something henry doesn't have?

Fun.

Wait, there's some truth in your hilarious burn.

What about a party?

I could throw Henry a fun party

with a cake and white tigers --

I'm in! I'm in! I-I'm coming -- no take-backs!

I don't know.

Henry doesn't seem like the "Fun party" kind of guy.

He seems more like the

"leave the fun party early to avoid traffic" kind of guy.

Stop saying things that are true!

Sidebar -- does anyone want this?

Oh, dear God!

I thought you were a possum!

I'm not.

What are you doing out there?!

Waiting till midnight. - What at midnight?

Your birthday, dummy.

Open up.

Geez! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, waiting.

Okay, now. Open up.

Two tickets to Blues Traveler.

Stunned silence.

Partially blind.

Blues Traveler's your favorite band, right?

Technically, my membership to the John Popper army

expired 20 years ago.

But, uh, I did used to love them.

Wait, how did you know?

I just stalked every single person in your graduating class,

scoured all their individual Facebook photos

until I found one from 1994

that you could been seen in the background of,

sporting a nasty, little rat tail and a Blues Traveler T-shirt.

In the '90s, that was an acceptable look.

Thank you, Eliza. Well done.

You accomplished the task.

"You accomplished the task."

Well, thank you, m'dear. You weren't too shabby yourself.

No, that's what Henry said when I gave him his birthday present.

Should I be worried that you're laying naked

in bed with me, thinking about Henry?

I got him tickets to Blues Traveler for his birthday,

and I expected him to be, like, a little more, whoo, excited!

In his defense, jam-band tickets aren't that exciting.

He said "Modest and meaningful."

Well, you basically just gave the man two pieces of paper.

Well, I wanted to throw him a party.

Well, why didn't you? Parties are awesome.

Because everyone else said Henry wouldn't want one.

Come on. Everybody wants one.

That's why all-important events culminate in a celebration.

Think about it -- death, marriage, May 5th, football.

Oh, my God, babies, the Oscars, hurricanes --

They all come with parties!

Okay, that settles it.

While Henry's at that concert,

I'm breaking into his house,

throwing him a surprise party.

He's gonna think he hates it, but then it's gonna be

just like you and the "Edge of Tomorrow."

Ah, I loved "Edge of Tomorrow."

Oh, I know, but, originally, you didn't want to watch it

because you were still mad about "Jack Reacher."

Tom Cruise had no business playing Jack Reacher!

It should have been Chris Hemsworth.

But then we watched it on demand, and you super loved it

and it totally erased all the bad blood between you and T-cruise.

Wait, so, did we just agree

to throw Henry a party or watch a Tom Cruise movie?

Both. I'll call about a keg.

You put on "The Last Samurai."

He had no business playing the last samurai!

Unlike you...

The night is still young.

That's just a bit of birthday ribbing.

I hope I didn't take it too far.

Not at all. That was just the right level.

Okay.

But, seriously, folks...

...what might you enjoy doing after dinner?

I read the Fowler Museum

has a fascinating exhibit on the volga trade route.

The whole route?

From Uppsala to the Caspian Sea.

Well, I do love river-based trade.

But I was actually thinking we could...

check out a Blues Traveler concert.

I'm sorry?

It's silly, but I used to be a bit of a fan,

and I got these tickets for my birthday.

I...I thought it could be a cultural safari.

More like a cultural "I'm sorry."

I will be here all night.

That was wonderful. Cheers.

Oh. While Henry enjoyed some boring banter with his boring girlfriend,

I broke into his boring house to plan something fun.

Tell me if this has been overdone --

A basil-strawberry vodka luge

that empties onto three or four bisexual cage dancers.

Eliza, this is Henry we're talking about, right?

Okay, I'm gonna share with you some party wisdom

that has been thrice confirmed by my boy Checkers,

who's a bouncer, my old college roommate Peanut,

and this dude I know named whiskers,

who's opening up a club downtown.

Why do all your friends have cat names?