The Ranch

What the hell was that?

Sounds like Colt just discovered I used up all the hot water.

Please, do that some more.

It's my new app. Duck Hunter Ultra.

It's got weather conditions, tracks migratory reports.

They even take pictures of the ducks we shoot and log 'em for us.

And it's got recipes.

Hey, do we have tarragon?

We have salt.

Paper tells me everything I need.

Hunting season, opens tomorrow.

Sunrise, 7:12.

Bring gun.

I added that last part.

Yeah, but can your paper do this?

Hey, that's pretty good. Can I see that?

No, you're gonna hurt it.

Yes, I am.

Dude, you used all the hot water.

I don't know, man. I just woke up, took my normal shower.

I mean, I stayed in there a little longer

'cause it was hard to wake up this morning.

Yeah, you know what'll wake you up in the morning?

A freezing cold shower.

I ain't gonna find my dick till tomorrow.

Certainly can't help you with that one. But...

...you know what wakes me up?

A nice hot cup of coffee. Oh, we're out, by the way.

All right, Dad, will you tell Rooster he's got to be more considerate?

There's three people living here now.

Dad, will you tell Colt if he would like a warm shower,

he should wake up earlier in the morning.

Rooster, shut up.

Ha!

Colt, shut up.

We got a lot of work to do today,

if we're gonna take the day off to go hunting tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow's opening day?

Yep. Just like my birthday.

Only Dad knows when it is.

Sweet.

Yeah, I'm down to go huntin'.

Really? I didn't figure you had any interest.

What? I love hunting.

You get to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and start drinking, guilt-free.

Pee in the woods, always a bonus.

Poop in the woods, not so fun.

Yeah, I mean, fall's really the best time of the year.

Got a little nip in the air.

You can wear your flannel shirts, fleece-lined gloves, possibly a scarf.

We're talking about hunting, not some fashion show.

Please,

like you didn't agonize over that sweet denim-on-denim combo.

That's true and all, but, unfortunately,

the duck blind only holds two people.

One. Two. Sucks to be you.

Oh, come on, man, I ain't been in 15 years.

Be nice to spend some quality time with Dad.

Well, I was gonna say no, but

I can tell you really wanna go, so... fuck, no.

Well, it's Dad's decision. You don't talk for Dad.

Well, actually, I do.

See, that's the beauty of not abandoning your family.

Dad and I are in sync.

I know what he's thinking, I know what he's feeling.

If we were chicks, we'd be having our periods at the same time.

Actually, Rooster, what do you say I take Colt this year?

What? No, come on, man! We're period pals.

It's the fair thing to do, girlfriend.

You can go the next day.

Next... the next day is not opening day.

The next day is not tradition.

The next day is not Beau and Rooster sitting in the duck blind,

eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches and killing majestic woodland creatures.

Look, Dad decided.

And, for the record,

I'd have been okay with whatever decision you made.

'Cause I love you, Daddy.

We're leaving at dawn.

Wear your prettiest scarf.

This sucks.

What's the matter? That time of the month?

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, sweetie.

Hey, let me ask you something.

I'm your favorite son, right?

Definitely in the top two.

I'm not gonna pick between you and Colt.

Okay, I hear that.

So, let's say you got two lawn mowers, right?

Now, the older one is more dependable.

It's there for you, year after year, and it always gets the job done.

And it's got a badass nickname, like, uh, Cutter.

Now, the other lawn mower, it moved away and it didn't come back

until its professional football lawn mowing career didn't work out.

Is this about hunting?

Damn straight it's about hunting.

And it's about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Colt better find out what it means to me.

I mean, he thinks just 'cause he wants something, it's automatically his.

Yeah, I know what it's like when people expect to be given things.

Here's your free beer.

Sarcasm noted and ignored.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, you're not wrong.

It's just, I think you should cut him some slack, you know?

Your brother's missed out on a lot.

Yeah, he missed out on a lot of work. A lot of work I had to do.

I had dreams, you know. I wanted to open that body shop.

I remember.

Rooster's Repairs. No shirts, no shoes, no Chevys.

If I never open that place, it should at least be a Toby Keith song.

Man, I gave up everything so I could work the ranch.

You know what my reward was? Going hunting with Dad.

'Cause that's our thing.

No, come on. You've had lots of things over the last 15 years.

You've had ranching, hunting, bowling.

The only thing that Colt and your father share is angry conversation.

Yeah, that's their thing. I would never take that away from them.

You know,

there's someone else in the family who really loves hunting.

I don't wanna go hunting with my mom.

Come on, it'll be fun. I'll make you peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

Banana! It's peanut butter and banana!

Fine, peanut butter and banana.

Look, if you're not gonna take this serious, don't even bother.

Are you in or not?

Yeah, I guess.

Listen up, everybody.

Rooster Bennett's going hunting with his mommy.

What are you doing, Mom? You're embarrassing me.

I know. That's our thing.

Why can't you just shower at night?

Not gonna do that, Colt, and I'll tell you why.

I do not currently have a problem getting enough hot water.

Why don't you shower at night?

Because I...

I have an issue.

It's your hair, ain't it?

If I go to sleep and it's damp, I have zero volume in the morning.

All those years I wanted a little sister. Here she is.

- Ma? - Hey, Colt.

Are you wearing my scarf?

No. This one's Dad's.

Goes with his denim leisure suit.

Is that my gun? What are you doing here anyway?

Opening day.

Yeah. I'm going with Mom.

Just like junior prom.

She was not my date. I just forgot my boutonniere, shithead.

Oh, yeah, I made him dance with me. He was mortified.

That was awesome.

- Hey, where's my hat? - What hat?

My favorite hat. You know, my John Deere hat?

Paint stains? Smells like a bait shop?

Yeah, I might have worn that hat last night.

What? You might have worn it or you did wear it?

Okay, I guess I did. I don't know.

Let's load the truck.

Really? You're not dying to find out what happened to the hat?

I can't believe you lost my hat, man. Where'd you go last night?

Oh, I went to my buddy Will's place.

Yeah, we were gonna cruise around the local parks,

see if we could find high school kids drinking.

Then pretend we're cops, scare the crap out of them,

watch them run, and steal their beers.

It's pretty simple, really.

I mean, all you need is a flashlight and a deep voice.

What are you kids doing?

Yeah. I know how to steal beers from teenagers, Colt.

Where's my hat?

Oh, yeah. Then we realized we needed some new beer cozies,

so we went to the gas station,

found these sweet ones with girls in bikinis on them.

When the cozy gets cold, the bikinis disappear.

Don't worry, we did not lose those.

But, here's the thing, I know I still had the hat on

'cause Mark, the clerk, he said, "Sweet hat. You wanna buy some meth?"

Then I politely declined.

Then we got into Will's truck,

we went and found some kids, roused them, and then...

I cracked my first beer, then I had a few more.

Man, that's where it gets a little fuzzy.

I remember going through a Dairy Queen drive-through.

It was me and Will and his dog named Raccoon...

Although it might have been an actual raccoon.

All I know is, he was real excited about that chocolate dip cone.

What the hell is wrong with you?

That's a fair question.

- Here, you can just take my hat. - I don't want your hat.

Fine, just grab another hat.

Oh, okay. Well, which hat should I grab?

My DeWalt hat? No. That's for fishing.

My Bass Pro Shops hat? No. That's for church.

My "Free Mustache Rides" hat? No. That's for the state fair.

Listen, this is kinda your fault.

If I'da just had a shower, I wouldn't've needed a hat.

- You two still at it? - We're leaving.

Well, I'm not going. I'm not going without my hat.

Okay, bye.

My sister is such a bitch.

You know what that hat and I have been through?

I can only imagine.