Trailer Park Boys

Oh, my fuck!

Fuck you, you little fucking fur-faced fuckhead!

I'm at fucking war with the squirrels.

People think they're dumb. They're not.

The little fuckers even know how to masturbate.

I seen them do it, and they fucking do it a lot.

Check this out.

One of the ugly little fuckers chewed the wires in my goddamn bedroom wall

and this happened. And Lucy blamed it on me.

I mean, I was partying a little more than usual

and I did put a deep fryer in the bedroom

and cooked pepperoni and wings late at night when I got hungry.

But I didn't start the fucking fire!

The cocksucking squirrel did. And now she's gone!

All because you jacked your cock furry little whore sluts!

Anyway, I am going to rebuild it.

I just haven't had fucking time yet.

Don't get me wrong,

I don't advocate the use of a deep fryer in the bedroom

under any circumstances but...

I did a bit of post-fire investigating on my own

and it appears the little cocksucker

could have been responsible for the fire.

But, I mean, blasting up your yard...

that doesn't solve anything.

Ricky! Shh!

What are you doing? Put the fucking gun away!

Lahey said he would set some traps!

There he is. There he is...

He's not! You're starting to go crazy, Ricky!

Ricky: Fucking asshole!

I fucking had him!

Ricky, there's Randy.

Put the fucking gun away. Put it away!

Ricky! Jesus Murphy!

You pointed it right at my bird!

Hey, Rick. Little buggers are at it again, are they, bud?

Holster your weapon, Ricky! Holster my tits, Randy!

Stand down, Randy. I've got this.

Ricky, I know how stressful

this kind of situation can be, bud.

Listen to what he's saying to me, I'm trying.

He's fucking driving me nuts. Listen to him!

Ricky! You think I'm dumb?

No, you're dumb! You're about to get dead!

Doing nothing is not proper procedure.

He's firing that in every direction.

Someone could die! Randy,

did I ask you to set traps here last week?

Yeah. And did you?

I've been too busy. Really?

Disobeying an order, is that proper procedure?

The way I see it, all this gunfire is because you didn't do your job.

Bubbles: Ricky!

Set some traps. Ricky!

You copy?

Okay, Mr.Lahey. Good.

Ricky, my kitties are over there!

Ricky, your frigging days are numbered.

As soon as I get authority, you're going down.

Never going to happen, diarr-ena breath.

But speaking of going down, and you were,

why don't you go down on me?

Get it, Randy? It means I want you to blow me.

And you can fuck off while you're doing it!

Control him, Bubbles.

Control your fucking appetite, Randy.

Oh, oh! You think that's funny, eh?

He wants me to jerk him off.

No, you get over here and fucking jerk me off,

you little furry fuckhead! Ricky! Ricky!

Bubbles: Atta girl. There we go.

Oh, thanks for doing that, Trin.

Sorry I fucked up the valve on the thing.

How's that going? Good.

Choppity-chop!

Two more right there.

Ricky, where the fuck is Jacob? We're going to be late.

Jacob's not the smartest knife in the drawer, Bubs.

Who fucking knows?

After Julian took off,

I knew I needed to start running the show

or Ricky was going to wind up back in jail.

So I started making this stuff right here.

The best fucking pizza sauce you'll ever jam your lips on.

All fucking organic. Ricky's growing the vegetables,

you know, using his expertise in that field,

and we've been cranking it out down at the flea market

as fast as we can make it.

And it's a fucking gold mine!

Cory!

For fuck's sake!

What is that right there, Cory?

That's sauce, dude.

No, it's fucking money, every drop of it.

Money. Get it in the bottle!

I've been able to get myself a nice little truck.

Me and Ricky both got company cellphones, brand new,

which I'm awesome at using, by the way.

Oh, this one.

And the best thing about it,

nothing fucking illegal going on, whatsoever.

This is probably the happiest I've ever been in my life!

I mean, other than missing Julian... terribly.

It fucking sucks that Lucy took off.

I mean, after I almost died,

she gave me an alter-natum to stop partying and I didn't.

And then Mr.Furry Fuckbrains the squirrel

decides to burn my trailer down and that was it.

But it's too bad she didn't stick around a little longer.

Because for the first time in my life

I actually have my shit together.

Well actually, it might even be the third time.

Sarah: OK, I can't believe that I'm saying this

but Ricky has come full circle since Lucy left.

Actually it's kind of since Julian left.

I think that was a real wake-up call for him.

And it's one thing to say that you're going to break up with somebody

but Lucy left the country.

She got a job working for Tom Arnold as a nanny

and she's making, like, a thousand bucks a week.

At first it was really hard but...

now I think some time apart was really good for Mom and Dad.

And the money that she sends home for Mo

has been super-helpful.

Ricky and Bubbles have brought a whole new energy to the park

with the new venture.

And since a lot of the residents

are growing vegetables for them,

many of them are paying their lot fees.

Hooray!

Look at those beauts!

Did you ever see potatoes that big, buddy?

Those are tomatoes, Ricky. Same thing,

potato, tomato, po-tah-to, to-mah-to.

Anyway, who cares? I mean, we have this new fucking bloom nutrient

with that shit I got at the hydroponics convention.

Look at this! Jesus.

I wish I would have fucking known about it when I was growing dope!

Jacob, where the fuck have you been?

We had to put up flyers for Ricky's ball hockey school.

You were supposed to do that two days ago, dicklips!

Dude, it was 1,500 flyers! Do you know how long that takes?

Obviously you're as dumb as a fucking bug that lives in a tree,

quite a fucking while! Great.

Now we're going to get a shitty fucking table!

No, we're not. We're going to get a good table.

Positive thinking, Ricky. Double belly work. Look at this.

Look at this. New label.

Oh, I like the little Italy man, that's cool.

Ricky, look close.

What?

It's me, Bubbles!

Why would I put a stranger on there?

Well, you should've made it bigger.

It's good, though.

Oh, fuck, I should've too!

I fell off the wagon

a couple of months back,

and I popped the question to Randy.

But I made myself a promise:

before we get married

I'm going to tell him the truth about Ricky and me.

But, if I tell Randy,

then I'm going to have to tell Ricky.

And I'm just not sure how both of them will take it.

Randy: (On radio) Mr. Lahey! I need back-up immediately.

We have a 314 in progress at Donnie's. Over.

Randy, can't you handle a 314 by yourself? Over.

Of course I can, sir!

But I don't want this to escalate into a 217. Over.

Oh, for shit's sake... Okay, I'll be right there.

Ever since Randy's decided

to try to get into the police academy

he's been taking this job way too seriously.

Thank you. Everybody slow it the fuck down.

If you don't calm down, no fucking sauce.

Ricky! Stop swearing at the customers! Jesus Christ!

They're driving me fucking nuts.

You, with that fucked sweater and the weird glasses,

how many you want?

None. Oh, my fucking God!

What is your deal then? Get the fuck going!

Ricky!

Actually I want to talk to you

about buying the recipe.

The recipe? Oh, the recipe...

that's not for sale, sir.

Just the sauce. But thank you.

I own a bunch of pizza restaurants and...

I love the sauce.

I was thinking...

Five grand?

Five grand? Like 5,000 dollars?

Oh, my fucking God. Done!

Pack it up, Bubs! We're fucking retired, buddy, let's go!

Just hang on, Ricky.

Just give us one second.

Ricky, we've got to think about this... hard.

This is a big decision.