Family Guy

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, why one hello a day

to the receptionist at work is the magic number.

But first, pilot strike at Quahog Airport.

Picketing began on Thursday... Weird day to start a strike...

And both sides appear to be at an impasse.

So ground control is telling Major Tom

this could be long one.

Does anyone else like David Bowie?

Hey, what the hell is up with this letter?

It says I'm no longer covered on your health insurance.

Oh, yeah. They don't cover dogs no more.

You could do COBRA for $7,300 a month though.

Would that be something you'd be interested in?

I need that health insurance. You know I have a hernia.

What if I need surgery?

Well, if you need insurance that bad,

maybe it's time for you to go out

and get a job of your own.

This sucks.

How did you get a hernia?

Actually, I got it performing

an incredible act of heroism.

Oh, my God!

Somebody help me! I'm sinking!

Hurry! I can't hold it!

Okay, let me just unstrap my baby.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Slipping, slipping. Sorry.

What do we want?

Fair wages!

When do we want it?

Originally now, but it's been delayed until 9:40

due to weather in Philly!

This is a mess.

Like when Peter rode that Access Hollywood bus.

Ah, bachelorette party.

Can I fit this in?

Okay, cool. I got time.

Hello, ladies.

Wow, here comes the bride, huh?

More than once, if I have anything to do with it.

Finally, the stripper's here!

What? No, I'm not a stripper. I'm a pilot.

See? This is a real uniform.

Ooh. Take something else off, sexy.

Oh, yeah!

All right!

Oh, yeah?

You want a little more, huh?

Yeah! All right.

Who wants me to stow my bag under their seat?

Boy, and I thought the Federal Hill bakery had nice buns.

You're talented, Denise.

You should really go for it.

Wow.

What... a... day.

Please don't comment.

Oh, look at you.

- Did you get a job? - Bitch.

Did I get a job?

Um, this ain't a life-vest, sista.

It's a work vest from a little place called Mega Hardware.

'Cause that's basically what I am now.

Just an everyday, working-class Joe.

Well, good for you.

No. No, Brian.

This doesn't feel right today.

Yes.

There's a rat trap in that cabinet.

With a foot in it.

And somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Well, I'm off to watch some Fox News

in front of the old boob tube.

- Hey. - No.

- I wasn't sure. - I'm sure.

- Okay. - Well, got to go.

Got to do some more picketing.

Seriously? It's, like, 9:00 at night.

Yeah, uh... well, it's, uh...

Cleveland's stealing shot glasses!

I don't like drinking NyQuil out of them little cups.

Where the hell's Quagmire going?

The airport's that way.

He doesn't know we're following him, Joe.

You don't have to duck down.

I'm not. You took a pretty hard right turn back there.

I've been like this for a while.

What's he doing?

This is one of them places

where women go to see male strippers.

Some bisexual men go as well.

I don't see him.

Ladies, this is your pilot speaking.

I am in the full, upright and locked position.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?!

Crap. Our disguises didn't work.

Quagmire, I didn't know you were a male stripper.

I wasn't. Not until the strike, anyway.

I've been out of work for three weeks.

I'm out of money. I-I had to do something.

God, I'm so embarrassed.

Why? Stripping is a very respectable profession.

If it weren't respectable,

why would real estate agents go to strip clubs for lunch?

He's right. This is tremendous.

Are you banging all these chicks?

Hey, hey! That is offensive.

I am a dancer, not a gigolo!

Captain Cockpit, my friend is about to get married,

and we were wondering if you'd have sex with her for $500.

I'm a gigolo.

Oh, hey, it's that guy.

Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?"

N... uh, no, I, uh, uh,

w-wanted to know if Quagmire

was available tomorrow evening?

Are... are you gay?

Uh, of course not. No.

Uh, but I'm unable to properly

have sex with my wife, so I figured, you know.

Eh, who else but Quagmire?

Hey, awesome cameo.

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Had to stop at the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner?

Wow, somebody struck it rich.

You know, I got to tell you,

I was sweating that pilot strike,

but now that I'm a gigolo, I'm making money by the fistful.

Is that a giggity?

That is a giggity.

Hey, Quagmire, I couldn't help but notice

you got some dry cleaning hanging up

in the backseat of your car.

- Did you win the lottery? - No.

Well, I hope you're not actually doing that gigolo thing.

You know, prostitution is illegal.

Uh, uh, no, no, no. It's, uh, it's something else.

Uh, uh, Quagmire's, uh,

selling online Internet cyber stuff.

Wow. Good for you, Quagmire.

You and Gates, huh?

Uh, geez, I got to go home and change into my Tarzan costume.

Uh, uh... for... for... for the Web.

Huh. I got to get a computer.

Excuse me. How many BTUs does this grill have?

Oh, man. That puppy?

More than you need, less that I want.

E-Excuse me. Do you have a small grocery cart

I could put this boat-sized hunk of lumber in?

Probably out in the parking lot.

Can you tell me where I can find extension cords?

- Aisle 25. - I was just there.

- 26. - There is no 26.

15.

So Goby gets up on the lift...

Don't mind me.

Just grabbing myself a cup of mud.

I like mine black.

Black as night.

Black as sin, know what I'm saying?

Haven't introduced myself.

Guys in my crew call me "The Ratchet."

Brian, it's not your break.

Get out there and help the customers.

Brian? Who are you, my father?

Ha! This guy.

- Get out there! - Yes, sir.

That guy's got no idea how hard I'm work...

Bird! A bird got in! Awesome!

Hello?

Hey, Quagmire, what's going on?

Oh, you need a ride?

Yeah, sure. I can come get you.

I'm not doing anything.

Meg, that was the last guy,

so just lock up when you're done.

Thanks for the ride.

One of my tricks drove me here from the Clam,

and I didn't have any money for a cab.

Why not? Didn't she just pay you for sex?

No. After it was over, she said she wasn't gonna pay.

Well, that ain't fair.

You can't let these women take advantage of you like that.

What apartment is she in? I'll go talk to her.

She's in unit 17.

You know, if you're going back in anyway,

can you grab my belt?

It's reversible, so I'd hate to lose it.

Hey, you didn't pay my friend!

So I'm gonna play with your doorbell until you pay up.

Stop it!

I can do this all day. I love buttons.

Fine, here's your money!

Here you go.

Peter, this is amazing. Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

Here's a little something for your trouble.

You're giving me a cut?