Two and a Half Men

Will you please stop that?!

I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth.

So go brush them.

I brushed them this morning.

So go floss them.

Oh, gross.

Wait. I got it.

No, that's chicken.

When did we have chicken?

You didn't really brush this morning, did you?

Between you and me, I lost my toothbrush three days ago.

Still good.

Hey, have you met any of the ladies my dad's been dating?

No. You?

No.

More chicken?

Fingernail.

Yours?

I hope so.

So, how come I don't get to meet Dad's dates?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause you're disgusting.

No, come on, really.

I'm not kidding.

For most women, you're a deal-breaker.

But you used to say I was a babe magnet.

You used to be little and cute.

Now you're just old and in the way.

That's very hurtful, Uncle Charlie.

All right, the truth is that your dad

doesn't want you to get attached to any of these women

in case the relationship doesn't work out.

Why?

Because he loves you very much,

and he cares about your feelings.

You let me meet your dates.

And what does that tell you?

I have no idea.

* Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men *

* Oh, oh * Men... *

Hello?

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing up so late?

Charlie, what is he doing up?

Shh, he's asleep.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Charlie!

What?!

Oh, hey, Alan.

What is he doing up so late?

I told him to go to bed.

How many times did I tell you

to go to bed? Boy, I lost count.

See?

So how was your date?

It was fine.

Did you get any?

Did I get any what?

Hang on.

What's he supposed to get?

I swear, I don't know what he's talking about.

Go to bed!

What are you teaching him?

What difference does it make?

The only thing he retains is little shards of chicken.

Wonderful.

So, did you get any?

It was a nice evening.

We had a lovely dinner.

You know, for the record,

"a lovely dinner" doesn't necessarily preclude

carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

In this case, it was just dinner and pleasant conversation.

Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Good night.

Oh, hey, Alan.

The kid was asking about these women

you've been going out with, why he never

gets to meet any of them.

Really? Uh, what... what did you tell him?

I said it's probably because he's disgusting.

Oh, Charlie...

I also told him that you love him

and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody

and then be disappointed if things don't work out.

Good. Thank you.

But how come I don't get to meet them?

'Cause you're disgusting.

That's very hurtful, Alan.

Come on, really.

What's the big secret

with these women?

Oh, boy, I-I really don't want to get into it.

They're hideous, right? No.

Insufferable? No.

Inflatable?

Are you insane?

Ooh, insane. Are they insane?

Leave me alone.

Come on, give me a hint.

When you go to pick them up,

do you need a border collie to cut them off from the herd?

Stop it!

I'm never going to stop, Alan.

You know me better than that.

Okay, fine.

I'll-I'll tell you.

First of all, there's no women.

Imaginary!

My next guess was gonna be imaginary.

Let me finish.

It's just one woman.

I've been seeing the same woman for several weeks now.

I see.

You've been playing it slow. Yes.

And by "slow," I mean "gay."

I can't talk to you about this.

Alan, you hook a fish and play it too long,

you know what you're gonna finally have

when you reel it in? What?

A tired fish that thinks you're gay.

Do you drink while you're baby-sitting my son?

Not at first, but he wears me down.

So, what's the deal with this broad?

She's not a broad.

It's Judith.

Your ex-wife?

Yep.

Okay. Okay, that's not fair.

You said "no" to insufferable and insane.

Very funny.

Are you serious?

And by "serious," I mean dumber than a bag of doorknobs.

Look, we went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago

to talk about getting Jake into a good middle school,

and before you know it, we were laughing and...

and having a great time.

Well, I can see the humor

in trying to get the little bonehead into a good school.

But that doesn't mean you start dating your ex-wife.

I-I know what you're thinking.

I'm being naive, and romantic, and...

Not even close!

Charlie, you can't overlook

the fact that we still have a lot in common.

Yeah, neither of you have any respect for you.

The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I.

But we can't let Jake know

because we don't want him to get his hopes up.

Oh, buddy, why don't you just

take an electric sander to your testicles?

We're both adults, we are aware of the pitfalls,

and we think it's worth the risk.

Okay, fine.

I wish you both nothing but happiness.

Thank you.

* Men... *

Hello.

Hello.

What's going on?

Sit down, Alan.

We need to talk.

Yeah, well, uh... listen, I'd love to,

but I've got to wake up Jake so that we can...

Let him sleep.

Am I getting whacked?

It was discussed, but I was overruled.

Sit down.

Alan, we're all here because we love you.

And we don't want to see you make a terrible mistake.

I'm just waiting for my toaster strudel to pop.

There we go.

You told on me.

Hey, you wouldn't listen to reason,

so now you're going to listen to Mom.

Alan, sweetheart,

you know I only want the best for you, right?

Uh...

I do!

I do.

Which is why, when Judith threw you out,

I was right there supporting you.

You had other options?

Don't be naive.

I could have sucked up to Judith

in order to have more access to my grandson.

But, no, I burned that bridge.

I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

And, keep in mind, this is a woman

who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

So, if you two reconcile, I'll have to apologize to her.

So?

I'd rather kill us all.

Okay.

Moving on.

Rose, do you have something you'd like to say to Alan?

Yes, thank you.

Alan, when I first met you, I didn't care for you at all.

You were a fussy, whiny control freak.

Yes, and-and now?

Oh.