Life in Pieces

_

- Hey, Mama. - Hey.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Okay, you know what?

I can't believe that you just ignored

the dirtiest text I've ever sent you.

Well, dirty text? What dirty text?

I didn't get any dirty text. I got...

Ooh, geez.

No. The last text I got from you

said, "Never mind.

- I forgot I had eaten beets." - No.

- Oh... - Uh-huh.

I think that's the dirtiest text anybody's ever sent anybody.

You like it like that.

Well, now I see why I never received it.

You sent that to Tyler.

I can't go home.

I can never go home again.

It can't be that bad.

Whoa. I have never even seen this on the Internet.

You watch that kind of stuff on the Internet?

Sometimes. Don't you?

No, it's blocked at my house. I thought it was because

of my dad, but now I'm wondering if it's because of my mom.

Hmm. You'll be fine.

My dentist accidentally sexts me, like, once a week.

Ooh. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'll look him in the eye

and I'll just say,

"Hey, autocorrect

completely changed the grocery list I gave your dad."

Well, not completely. I mean, "cream" and "meat"

could have stayed the same.

God, Tim, why?

Why aren't you helping me with this?!

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just enjoying this too much

because, for once, it's not me who screwed up.

Okay, you know what I need?

I-I need the advice... of a professional.

Did I do this to you?

Did I make you like this?

No, no. Nobody did anything to me.

I just... I'm trying to keep it spicy with Tim.

Honey, I didn't even know people could do this,

and I've had some long layovers in Bangkok.

- Mom! - I'm sorry.

This is a little more than I could handle,

so, I-I... I think I'm gonna talk to my therapist.

Do you think that he can help me?

No, no, this is for me.

You need a priest.

I got this. I got this.

I don't got this.

I don't got this.

I don't got this. I don't got this.

What?

Did you know that Victoria's Secret sold their Web site

to someone called "Net Nanny"?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Will you go get me a glass of water?

I can smell Pop Tarts, so I know Tyler's in the kitchen.

Look, I cannot keep doing this.

If I wanted to run up and down the stairs

two times a day, I'd join a gym.

You're gonna have to talk to him again at some point.

Maybe not.

Maybe like a mama bear out in the wild,

I've taught my cub all that I can,

and now it's time for him to go out

and maul some tourists on his own.

You know what? I'll get you a glass of water.

Ooh, hey, hey.

And a Pop Tart?

Oh, well, if you want a Pop Tart,

I do not have to go downstairs.

You have a problem.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, thank God it's you, man.

I was so scared to come out of my room.

But I really needed a drink of water.

I almost let Clementine get it for me.

Clementine's in your room?

N-No.

All right, look, this is crazy.

You got your mom right where you want her right now.

You need to take advantage of it.

- What do you mean? - What's one thing

you've always wanted to do,

but your mom wouldn't let you do?

Go to Tijuana.

Then you go to Tijuana right now!

How can she possibly say no

when she won't even look you in the eye?

You really think she would let me go to Tijuana

just to avoid talking to me?

Only one way to find out.

Look.

I also want to clarify one thing

- about that text. - No, no, no, please...

I would be doing those things to your mother,

and not the other way around, because... no, look at me.

You got to look at me.

Because I am the man.

And that's the man's job.

Good news.

You may unbuckle your safety belt

and move freely about the house.

Tyler is leaving.

What? Oh, thank God!

Where's he going?

He and Clem are driving down to Tijuana.

What? No! No! No!

- They are not! - Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

I gave them a whole bunch of cash and my dusty wallet condom.

And the mother bear's off to protect her cub.

Tijuana, here we come.

- Oh! - Oh!

Get out of the car.

You are not going to Tijuana.

You listen to me.

Tijuana is a low-down dirty place

where anything goes, which is why I love it.

But you cannot go

because you are still a child.

So are you.

I think we can agree my childhood ended with that text.

Okay, you know what? Listen.

I love your dad

very deeply and I work hard

to make sure that our marriage is strong

and our love life is spicy.

And I don't feel

like I should have to apologize for that.

I-I am, however, very sorry

that you had to know

that Mommy does those things to Daddy.

Heather!

Daddy does those things to Mommy.

Okay.

Yeah.

_

Yeah.

Lark just would not stop crying today.

- Yeah. - And 45 minutes later,

I found out her shoe was on too tight.

How am I supposed to know that?

I know, it's gonna be so much easier when she can talk.

Like, we won't feel like we're, like, on a Japanese game show

we don't know the rules to.

Hey.

- Is that Sam? - Yeah.

Hey, Sam, what's up?

Hey, Uncle Greg.

Move, you're blocking the view.

Oh, of what?

Oh, the security guard stuck against the wall on a Segway?

No, we're spying on my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

Irving Rosenblatt... he's the coolest boy in the class.

He's been acting weird.

I'm not even sure if we're boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

He liked three of Lexie's pictures on Instagram.

Oh, I hate her.

Unless you're Lexie.

No, I'm Jenna. Lexie's a monster.

- Knew it. - Okay.

All right, well, uh, what does

his relationship status on his Facebook say?

"Facebook"? I don't know, Grandpa.

We don't have a typewriter.

- Snap. - Oh, come on, Facebook is on a compute...

No, no, no, stop talking, because the more you say,

the older we get.

Okay, fine, I won't say anything.

No, no, no! We can actually help this child.

Unlike Lark, she's telling us

what's wrong in words we can understand.

Yeah, we're gonna tell you

- what you do here, okay? - Yes.

Just go over there.

No, if we get too close, he might recognize us.

Okay, well, uh, here.

He won't recognize us.

He didn't know what we looked like before.

Yeah, of course.

Hey, will you put this on my birthday list?

Yeah, okay, one stupid hat.

Got it.

What's up, Broseph Stalin?

You looking for something special?

Maybe for a special someone?

You work here?

- Yeah, we do. We for sure do. - Yeah.

We work in this store.

Yeah, I've been working in this mall since '97.

- Yeah. - Back when the big and the tall stores

- were still segregated. - Pre-merger.

- Yeah. - I'm Jen...

and I'm the store manager.