Two and a Half Men

You got your homework done? Mm-hmm.

All of it?

Yep.

Hmm, attaboy!

Now you just get to kick back this weekend.

That's my plan.

Except...

Except nothing.

Oh, well, excuse me.

Oh, yeah.

There it is.

I might have to write a book report for Monday.

What do you mean you might have to write a book report?

I mean if there's no earthquake by Monday morning,

I have to write a book report.

Oh, God... so what's the book?

William Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.

By William Shakespeare.

Hey, that'll come in handy when he's mopping out the toilets

at the House of Pancakes.

You know, I could go for some pancakes.

Jake, please tell me you read the book.

I really wish I could, Dad.

Oh, jeez.

I was going to read it, but I can't find it.

You lost the book?

So what do you intend to do about the report?

You mean aside from the earthquake?

Yeah.

Well, I kind of put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Go get dressed. We're going to go to the store.

Well, can we stop for pancakes?

Go!

I bet you're sorry

you took all that LSD before you had him.

I never took any LSD.

You might want to start telling people you did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Unbelievable. You had four weeks

to write this book report.

Get over it, Dad.

Yeah, Alan, relax.

He'll have eight weeks of summer school to do it.

Unless there's an earthquake.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me

where the classic literature section is?

Third floor near the restroom. Thank you.

You guys go ahead.

I'm gonna look at some magazines.

They don't sell those kinds of magazines here. I checked.

Come on, you little perv.

Meet me back here.

Wait. Was that an earthquake?

Can I help you find anything?

Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a book.

Ah.

You probably need more than that.

I want a book about, you know, relationship stuff.

Ooh, relationship stuff.

No, not "Ooh, relationship stuff,"

just relationship stuff.

It's in the self-help section.

Thanks.

Best of luck.

This is worse than buying condoms.

Okay, let's see.

Why Relationships Fail.

Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

Thank God for those gals.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Oh, Embracing Your Soul Mate?

Oh. "Soul mate."

I thought it was "cell mate."

You know, a prison love story?

Mm, I see.

Not that I'm into prison love stories.

I like the girls in prison stuff.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm looking for some help, okay?

Well, you're not alone.

There are millions of people out there looking for help.

Gee, thanks for making me feel special.

Let me ask you something.

What would you change about yourself if you could?

I don't know, little things, I guess.

Like what?

Oh, well, I guess

I'd like to be a little happier.

Maybe find a way to sustain a healthy relationship

with a woman so I don't, you know,

grow old and die alone,

incontinent and unloved.

Ah, yes, the little things.

Can I recommend a book for you?

Well, as long as I'm here.

Breaking Barriers:

Finding the Intimacy You Deserve.

I don't know, I was hoping to do better than I deserve.

Give it a chance.

I hear it's helped a lot of people.

For 25 bucks, it better wash my car.

Wait a minute.

Is this you?

Armor All is extra.

Oh, cool.

Will you sign it for me?

Oh, I'd be happy to. What's your name?

Charlie. Okay.

Now, that it's autographed, I'm not a loser;

I'm a collector.

Here you go.

"To Charlie, reading a self-help book

doesn't make you less of a man."

Okay, back to loser.

You're not a loser, Charlie.

Like most men, you're just afraid to be vulnerable.

Excuse me, but what sane person wants to be vulnerable?

If you're not vulnerable, you can't feel anything.

Yeah, and?

Read the book.

Wait.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

Why?

I'd like to talk to you some more.

Are you still gonna buy the book?

I have to.

You wrote all over it.

Then sure, why not?

Great.

Listen, if I give you the money, will you pay for it?

I don't need any more sympathy from the help.

What's a shrew anyway?

Oh, it's a small rodent.

Oh, so this is like Stuart Little?

No, no, it's about a man

trying to control a willful, angry woman.

Is he trying to control her with rodents?

I don't want to spoil it for you.

Let's just find your Uncle Charlie

and get out of here.

Excuse me, uh...

have you seen a guy, um, dark hair,

bowling shirt, shorts?

Oh, yeah, the self-help guy.

No, that doesn't sound like him.

Well, a guy like that just left with a pretty blonde woman.

That sounds like him.

Dad, this is the wrong book.

What are you talking about?

It's in some sort of foreign language.

It's Elizabethan.

Well, can we get one in English?

Walk.

* Men. *

How could you have already lost the book?!

I didn't do it on purpose!

What are you yelling at me for?!

'Cause it's one of the few pleasures

of being your father!

Oh, look who's here! Thanks a lot.

What did I do?

You stranded us at the mall.

We had to take the bus home.

The bus!

I left the book on the bus.

There. Mystery solved.

Go get in the car.

Where are we going?

Where do you think we're going?

Well, we never did get those pancakes.

We're going back to the bookstore

to buy another damn book.

And this one's coming out of your allowance.

What allowance?

Wait. I'm supposed to be getting an allowance?

Go get your shoes.

Whoa. Did you guys feel that?

Move it!

So guess what?

I'm going to transform my life

and get the intimacy I deserve.

Fantastic.

You work on that while I go back to the mall with taterhead.

Not only that, I met the author,

and she's amazing.

Is this the woman you dumped us for?

Yeah, and you know what she told me?

No idea.

She told me that my fear

of being hurt keeps me from feeling anything at all.

It's like I'm like living in an emotional prison

that I built myself.

How about that?

You abandoned us.

I know, but get this:

I'm not just a prisoner. I'm the warden.

We had to take two buses and walk a mile

on the Pacific Coast Highway during rush hour.

I get it.