black-ish

I'm a great dad. No, I'm the greatest dad.

If Nas and Michael Jordan

had a baby that was a great dad, it'd be me.

Tuition.

Paid in full.

Cash?

I threw a little something extra in for you.

Pah-pow!

I support them academically.

Dad, I'm having the hardest time with algebra.

Well, good thing you came to the math king.

If Nas and Michael Jordan

had a baby that was great at math, it'd be me.

And I'm always there for them when they need me the most.

- Hey, son. - Yeah.

That street cat chased me up here again.

Yeah, you're gonna have to stop walking around

with meat in your pocket.

Hey, Bow!

Gonna need my ladder.

I pride myself on being the GOAT of dads.

So, if there's something I'm not doing, it's news to me.

Good morning.

Dre Johnson, right?

Yeah.

Vincent Broadnax. New dad here.

Oh! Hey, Vincent. Welcome, man.

Always good to have another brother at the school.

Hey, if there's anything I can help you with,

I got your back.

Well, there is one thing.

Anything.

I'd like you to volunteer for

the Valley Glen Give Back Day.

Nope.

I thought he was going to ask me

which teachers are racist.

Volunteer?

No, thank you.

Volunteer?

- Come on, Dre. - Hey!

It's gonna be fun.

The Give Back Day carnival is a chance for our kids

to see their parents getting their hands dirty

and to do some good for our Valley Glen community.

Hey, you know what, man? I'm really busy at work.

You know, client dinners, e-mails, reports.

I... You know how hard it is to get out

from under all that stuff, right?

Well, actually, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Oh.

Okay.

That, um... Good for you.

Yeah. You know, it's the best job I've ever had.

- I know you're busy. - Mm.

But don't you think it's important that dads

stay involved in their kids' lives?

Uh, you know, man? Hey, I'm cool, all right?

A-As a matter of fact, I'm overly involved.

You know?

M-My kids tell me to back off all the time.

All I'm saying is you can't get these years back,

and they go so fast.

I'm good.

All right, Josh, you have our

undivided attention. Go.

So, what's AT&T TV?

It's the new premium TV service

for all your entertainment needs...

W... Oh, no.

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

This dad at school said I'm not involved in my kids' lives.

- What? - Me!

Okay. Uh, Josh, you now have half of my attention.

Oh. Okay. Great.

Uh, so, as I was saying, with AT&T TV,

you can find what you love with a voice command.

For instance, to find "The Bachelor,"

just say, "Play 'The Bachelor.'"

It's that easy.

Outstanding work, Joshua.

I just have one question.

Who does this dad think he is, Dre?

I know, right?

Because I am super involved in my kids' lives.

- Mm-hmm. - Guys, if I could just

- finish this... - Besides, I have a full-time job.

- My schedule is jam-packed. - Yeah.

I work a hundred hours a week.

Oh, whoa. A hundred hours?

- It feels like it. - Okay.

Meanwhile, this dude has all the time in the world

to volunteer because he is a stay-at-home dad.

Ha! I-I think you misheard that.

I think it's pronounced "stay-at-home mom."

- Mnh-mnh. - So was Mrs. Doubtfire.

Hey, let's watch it on AT&T TV, the new premium...

- This guy is a stay-at-home dad? - Damn it!

Yep.

- Is he under house arrest? - Mnh-mm.

Witness protection?

Is he a ghost?

Look, I work my fingers to the bone to provide

an incredible life for my family

while this dude goes goat yoga.

- Hmm. - You know what?

I'm not gonna even let him get in my head.

Woo-sah.

Let's all just take a break and order lunch.

That is a great idea, Dre.

AT&T TV, eject three meat lover's pizzas.

Charlie, that's not how that works.

I understand.

Eject three cheese pizzas.

They're cooking.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh!

So, that's what Steve Harvey's been up to.

Anyway, I know you didn't get your flu shot,

but the hospital just got restocked.

Oh, okay. Cool. I'll make an appointment.

Oh, no, you won't.

Rainbow, why are you trying to inject my grandson

with white people mystery chemicals?

Oh, Ruby, please tell me you're not one of those people

that believes in the conspiracy theories

around the flu shot.

Ruby, you need to get one.

You are in the demographic that is most likely

to die from the flu, Ruby.

You're old.

You don't need to repeat your Big Fluoride

talking points to me.

I know the government uses those flu shots

to shut up strong Black women...

Joycelyn Elders, Lauryn Hill,

the first Aunt Viv.

I didn't know any of this.

Well, it's true.

No, it's not, and don't listen to her.

This is a woman who shoves a clove of garlic

up her butt at the first sign of a cold.

And I haven't had a cough since 1979.

- Ruby... - Wow.

...this is a flu shot house, okay?

The shot is perfectly safe, Junior.

I'm a doctor. You can trust me.

I only trust three doctors... Scholl's, Mae C. Jemison,

and that cute little white boy in the scrubs

that played keyboards for Prince.

The next day, I walked on to that campus

secure in my dad-hood.

Why is your volcano so heavy?

What did you fill it with? Real lava?

What? Volcano? That's a termite mound.

- Keep up, Dad. - Okay, look, that's what

you get for having your mother do your homework

for you, all right?

This does not look like a termite mound.

Oh, nice termite mound.

Hey, Dre. Did you think about what I asked you?

I did, and, you know, I got a lot going on, man.

I'm always on the clock, you know?

Your wife would understand. Ask her.

Hey, thanks for always thinking about me, though.

Appreciate you.

Well, there's always next year.

Yeah.

Sorry you guys had to see that.

Well, you did the right thing.

That guy's got to lay off with the volunteering.

- Mm. - It's obvious you're a money dad.

Eh...

Yeah. You're a money dad.

Yeah, you do the things that count.

You pay for our house, our food,

our seasonal wardrobes.

Okay, I am more than just a money dad.

Mm...

Are you?

Buy yourself a new pair of shoes.

I suck at math, but don't tell my daughter.

I'm her hero.

Can you get my son down from up there?

And, uh...

take care of that street cat.

- Make it look like an accident. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's gonna get you, son!

- Oh, no. - But it's all good.

You heat the pool, get us new laptops,

you blessed us with that unlimited data.

We don't have unlimited data.

But we live like we do, because you're a money dad.

And we love you for it.

Is that all I am to my kids?

Just a wallet in sneakers?

Oh! ! Is that a termite? What the...

Look, I don't think you understand

what I'm trying to say here.