Trench

- Another chilly Melbourne night,

another case to crack.

The name's Sam Slade, Private Eye.

Yes, that's actually my real name.

This distressed dame, author and social commentator,

Becky Holt, is about to become embroiled

in the case of the curious cat.

Her online opinion pieces

have a habit of getting her into hot water.

How the fuck did you get in here?

- Which is how I came to this story.

No, I'm not the cat.

Cute as the furball is, Becky wasn't used to intruders

or things being amiss in a carefully-arranged apartment.

Which is where I come in.

Hello?

- Hi, Miss Holt, I'm Sam Slade, Private Investigator.

I have a--

I'm sorry, what was your name?

Oh Sam, Samantha, Slade.

Sam Slade?

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm, go on.

- Well I've come to help you with your problem.

Oh well I'm sorry Sam Slade,

Phillipa Marlowe's already on the case.

- Okay so I probably left a few things out.

Let's backtrack a bit.

You're up!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

and give your warmest welcome to Sam Slade!

Okay.

Ah, so, um,

I feel like I've been a bit, um, self-obsessed lately.

So, I thought today I might bounce off you guys.

Just, mix it up a bit.

Um, oh, what do you do for a living sir?

I'm a comedian, what the fuck do you do?

Oh.

Well.

Um.

Um.

Woo, (clapping) Sam Slade everybody!

Give it up for Sam Slade!

Okay look, don't go anywhere folks.

We've got a surprise for you

'cause fresh from his sell-out show

at Madison Square Gardens,

and star in his own American sitcom,

the prodigal son has returned.

Give it up for Jimmy fucking Kay!

- She may be my new favorite female comedian.

Looks good, says nothing.

In fact tell you what, I'm gonna fuck this set off,

think I'm gonna go backstage and ah,

put a ring on it, you know what I'm talking about.

Don't know what I'll do,

but I tell you what, I'm a bit fucking sick of her lot.

Come to put me out of my misery?

Aw, could've been worse.

How?

- I don't know, you could've bunt the joint to the ground.

Yeah I've seen the wiring in this joint.

You could've claimed insurance and gotten a sweet payout.

I'm officially worse than arson.

(laughs) See, that's funny.

Come on, drink your medicine.

God damn, that's the good stuff.

Yeah well, I know the chick

that runs the place, so. (clicks tongue)

Um, I think it's time that I quit.

(splutters) Don't be a fuckwit.

Didn't you hear?

Silence went out in the 20s.

You can't afford to keep me on.

This place isn't playing like it used to.

The top shelf's gotten smaller.

Disabled toilets have been out-of-order for weeks.

There's water in the vodka,

cask wine in the cleanskin bottles.

And then all of a sudden, old mate out there

makes a grand return when rumor has it you hate his guts.

Oh thanks for that.

If you need me I'll be hanging myself

in the busted disabled toilets.

I'm just saying,

you can't afford to waste money on me.

Maybe comedy's not my thing.

I'm 30-some (mumbles),

and maybe it's time I got a real job.

- Nah, world's full of assholes with real jobs.

You're just a different breed of asshole. (laughs)

Look just, I don't know, take some time off.

Practice some new shit and I'll try out some new blood.

Your spot'll be here when you get back.

Krista.

Ah, just call it holiday pay.

Thanks.

Fuck you.

(laughs) Fuck you!

Well, it looks like I'm walking home.

Do you have any coats in lost property?

It's freezing out there.

Do you have a time machine down there as well?

Ergh.

Took off so you're being nice.

- Hi Sam it's your mom.

Sorry we missed you, my phone was off.

It's lovely to hear from you

but if you were calling to ask for money,

we can't help you.

I mean we can, it's just, we don't want to.

You father and I are proud of you for following your dreams

but it's time you stand on your own two feet, Samantha.

Why don't you put that degree to use?

You should go into arts admin.

Are you gonna order anything today?

- Hello, tell me, how much of a latte would $3.20 get me?

Our lattes are $3.80.

- Yeah I know, but, if I gave you everything I had

do you think that your lovely barista

could make me part of a latte?

Our lattes are $3.80!

Long black?

$3.80.

Piccolo?

$3.80.

- Look I'm sorry that I am completely broke.

Nobody wants to hire an arts graduate

with no discernible skills,

and my power's been completely cut off

and I'm about to get evicted,

and I'm, gah, I don't know how to be funny

and all I need is just one lousy coffee

just to get me through the day.

Please!

Okay what if I could tell you something about yourself

that I couldn't possibly know?

How much would my coffee be?

$3.80.

Your boyfriend's not gonna leave you!

I'm sorry, who are you?

Heh, it doesn't matter

but trust me, whatever you feel--

Is none of your business.

Yeah I know, I don't care who you are

or what you do when you're not here,

but what I do know is,

well you're generally pretty sharp,

but the last week, the last week's been different.

Your eyes are bleary,

there's less attention to detail.

You're not clearing tables with your usual level of, flair.

Which all indicates a serious lack of sleep.

Did he buy you that?

Looks expensive.

A guy who buys you a timepiece like that

isn't planning an exit strategy.

Thanks for assuming I'm gay!

Which I am, but that is not the point!

So I'm right?

- The first sign something was wrong

was when my teapot walked away.

- Having written on this site

and on social media for a little while now,

I've gotten all too used

to the crazy coming from the other side.

It can be a tad disturbing.

But I add a little single-malt to my coffee

and I can sleep at night.

What I'm not used to, is the crazy coming to my door.

It started with things taking a walk around my apartment.

How the fuck did you get in?

- Then, there's the frequent furry visitor

with a knack for slipping into

my sealed apartment at all hours.

This may strike you as harmless, and you'd be right.

Until I saw the teapot, outside my apartment.

For many reasons, this was simply impossible.

So either I'm going mad or someone's trying to drive me

in the direction of the booby-hatch.

Hello?

Becky open the door.