I Feel Bad

I love getting rid of old junk,

but I always run into the same obstacle.

Oh, my God! My T-shirt from the Fun Run!

- Uh-huh. - Came in 19th in my age group.

- I know. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and Lily's white belt from karate.

She earned this the first day 'cause we paid

- for the whole year up front. - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. The memories! - This is the junk pile.

- What? Really? - Yes, I was looking

for something to wear to our 15th-anniversary party,

but, oh, my God, we have so much crap.

Crap? Okay, real... the kids' artwork is crap now?

David, we have, like, 20 scraps of paper

where four-year-old Louie drew lines and dots.

I mean, we get it... you can draw a line, you can draw a dot.

Congratulations. I'm keeping five.

I'm just saying, I think you can be a little cold.

All right, well, I'm just saying I think you can be a little sappy.

Well, I don't think there's a person in the world

that would agree with you.

Okay, that is Jake's bloody swaddle

that we wrapped him in when he was first born.

It's where I keep the kids' teeth and hair.

Put it down, you psycho!

Okay, you saved every tooth

our children lost and a lock of hair from every haircut,

and I'm the psycho?

At least I'm hoping that's what these are.

Oh, my God. I don't want to have to lie to the police.

You know what? Just leave me alone.

Precious memories.

Precious memories I'll throw out when you're sleeping.

_

David finally agreed to part with some stuff,

although I'm pretty sure I saw him hiding his Fun Run shirt in the planter.

Ah, thank you.

Babe, don't you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

- We have so much space now. - Yeah.

Do you still think we'll still be in love with each other in 20 years?

- David. - Yeah?

I want to be able

to see into the closet.

We are still growing old together.

It just bothers me that you can so easily emotionally

detach yourself from things that I find meaningful.

What if we're so different, one day you just detach from me?

Babe, babe, babe. Don't be crazy, okay?

I can't afford this mortgage by myself.

- Okay. - Hello, hello, hello.

- Hello. - Hi. Wow.

When you said you were cleaning your closets,

I thought, "Perfect, now you have room for all the junk

- you keep at my house." - Great.

All right, let's see what it is.

Oh, it's all my old college stuff.

It doesn't spark joy for me.

There are six more boxes on the porch.

What?

Oh, it's Daddy calling from his golf trip.

You've been gone from home for one day.

Get a life, man.

Ouch. I see your cold, cold heart condition is hereditary.

- Right from her. - Yeah.

Oh, my... Baby? The day we skipped class,

- went to the beach. - Oh, my God.

- See? I keep stuff. - I mean, that was a big day.

I mean, that was the day we finally knew that we were

really in love with one another,

and then I got you the necklace to commemorate our beach-aversary.

- Yeah. - Try giving her mother

a good gift once in a while.

A candle for my birthday? We have electricity.

- Okay. - That was the first big gift

I ever got you. First big gift I ever got any woman

because you're the only woman I ever really loved.

Babe! Well, it's so special.

- Yeah? - It's my favorite necklace.

- Yeah? - Yes. Okay?

I have absolutely no idea what necklace

he's talking about.

You know, I haven't seen you in that necklace in forever.

Yeah, 'cause I was afraid of losing it, babe.

Oh, no, no, no. I think you should just wear it.

I mean, it would remind me of old times and...

Yeah, well, you just ruined the surprise, mister.

- What? - I was going to wear it

for our anniversary party.

- I would love that. - I would love that also.

Oh, look! This is the teddy bear I bought you

when you had your tonsils out.

Oh. I hid my fun money in there.

- Oh. - Hey...

Daddy's away.

Deuces Gone Wild Spa and Casino,

Mama's coming to play.

- That's a lot of money. - That seems right.

Hey, Lily, we don't have to do anything for Mom and Dad's anniversary, right?

Nah, we're off the hook for anything before we were born.

Great, there's too many things to celebrate.

The macaroni's barely dry on the Mother's Day gift,

and we're already pulling out the pipe cleaners

- for Father's Day. - Hey, guys, hey.

Listen, is your, uh, dad back yet?

No, he's still playing basketball.

Oh, great.

You're looking for that necklace you were pretending to have, aren't you?

Okay, I know I have it somewhere.

You better find it for the sake of your marriage.

I know.

Did you hear what Grandma said?

What if Mom and Dad are in trouble?

Yeah, maybe we should do something for their anniversary...

remind them how good they've got it.

Yeah, we can't let them get divorced.

I don't want to end up like Judson.

He has to teach his dad's new girlfriend math.

- Oh. - Oh, what is wrong with me?

I can't find what I'm looking for

because I don't even know what it looks like.

Wait. Do you remember what it looks like?

Yes. I remember exactly what it looked like.

Oh, thank God.

Great. Will you draw it for me?

- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

That was fast.

"It looks like a woman who is screwed."

Happy anniversary, dear.

Oh, great. You guys are in. Listen, I need your help.

I spent the whole weekend cleaning,

which, I think we can all agree, is the worst.

What, what, what?

Oh, unless you're talented at it like Gladys,

and then you should do it professionally

and follow your bliss.

Damn it. Ugh. Okay, look, I just need you guys to help me

go through these boxes of my old college stuff.

David gave me this special necklace,

and I have no idea what it looks like, so I can't find it.

I need clues. Go. Go, go, go.

Let's see what's in this sad-ass box of memories.

Number one... we got art-class sketches.

Oh, no, no, no. Put that down.

That's probably the one thing in the box I do care about.

Oh, you don't care about this guy in a porkpie hat

playing the clarinet?

Oh, I do, 'cause I married him.

That is David and his college swing band,

"Big Papa D and the Jinx."

Wow. So, tell me, was it his ponytail or his chain wallet

that made you think, "Ooh, husband material"?

What do you know, Chewey? You're alone.

- Checkmate. - Oh, boy. Jackpot.

What, what? Did you find a clue?

I found what appears to be 75 pages

of "Bloodlust: A Zuzhana St. DuBois Story."

Were you trying to write a trashy vampire novel?

No, that was for English lit.

"As he penetrated her pulsating jugular,

she thought, if this is how the night would be,

she no longer needed daylight."

It's a political metaphor, so...

"Unsheathing his immortal manhood, she whispered,

'This has nothing to do with politics. Take me.'"

- Part of the metaphor. - Hey, here's a picture of you

- wearing a necklace. - What? Let me see.

Oh, my God. That's the necklace. I remember it now.

Oh, my God. David had it made for me from a pebble

that he found on the beach.

I had no idea this necklace was so special to him.

Oh, God, I'm a monster. I got to do the right thing.

Have a fake necklace made and lie, lie, lie.

Yeah.

- Oh, we got next. Let's go. - Let's go.

Hey, hold up, one second.

Just... uh, I need a real quick emotional check-in.

Oh, no. Hey, fellas, give us a second.

Do you guys ever look over at the person sleeping next to you

and just think, "Who is this stranger?"

Sure, I love sleeping with strangers.

That's why I got divorced.

What's going on, man?

Sometimes I just think me and Emet are so different.

You know what they say... "Men are from Mars,"

- and... let's play. - Wait, hold on.

I made her a necklace

out of a stone I found to commemorate our beach-aversary.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold. Hold a second.

You celebrate your beach-aversary?

Yeah.

Come on, that's the most romantic thing

I ever heard in my life. Right? Okay.

That is the first big present I ever got her,

and I don't even know if she likes it.

I mean, she never wears the thing.

Bro, hard truth time... that thing is lost.

Gone forever. It's with Biggie and 'Pac now, right?

Mm-hmm. Talking about losing, we're about to lose this court.

- Can we play? - Dave, this may not

be my place just as your basketball friend,