Guys with Kids

Guys with Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Smith has the ball. He's looking to pass it.

Gives it to Anthony. Anthony may drive.

No, he kicks it off to Novak for the three.

And it's good.

Bam.

Yeah.

Nick, I got a serious parenting dilemma.

Talk to me.

Hey, hey, hold on.

Why do you only ever ask Nick to solve

your parenting dilemmas?

He's got two kids.

I've got, like, four.

"Like, four." Yes, why wouldn't I seek your counsel?

It's hard to keep track, man.

I haven't slept in six years.

I'm tired.

This morning, I tried to put a shirt

on my legs for five minutes.

I love you, kids, but you're making daddy stupid.

What's your dilemma, Chris?

Well, it's time to feed Ernie, and at this stage

in his development, he needs to drink whole milk,

but the bar only has 2%.

What do I do?

You know what a dilemma is, right, Chris?

A dilemma is having to decide which of your rugby teammates

you're gonna eat to stay alive.

Look, I just don't want to screw up.

- Sheila already doesn't trust me. - Stop. Stop. Okay?

Sheila doesn't get to play into this.

You guys are divorced.

Ernie is your kid too.

You need to stand up to her.

Yeah. Your kid was wearing

a beret the other day.

That's not right.

I know. I try to stand up to her, but it's pointless.

I can't win, 'cause she just says,

"He grew inside me,"

and boom, argument's over,

Ernie can't watch Goodfellas with me.

You talking to me?

You talking to me, goodfellas?

I don't know what you're doing.

That's not a line from anything.

Oh, my God. Your baby's adorable.

Thank you. Yeah.

- What's wrong with him? - Hey.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hi.

I'm sorry. My friend here's a little rusty.

And I think what he meant to say was,

"Thank you. My name is Chris.

"I am single, I'm a lawyer,

"And although I feel

"that stationery is an appropriate gift

"to give to a close friend,

I'm a pretty cool guy, and I'd love to buy you a drink."

That is what you meant to say, right, Chris?

Yes. That is what I meant to say.

And stationery is a timeless gift.

Can we buy you a drink?

Sure. Why not?

Oh, how could I say no to that face?

Okay. Smell check.

Yeah, we're good.

Megan invited me to the Knicks game.

Ooh, boom.

Boom.

Nicely done, little wingman.

- Way to hook your dad up. - Yeah.

That was my job in college.

And like you I often had puke on my shirt.

Huh?

Wait, wait, wait,

I can't go to the game with Megan.

I have Ernie till Monday this week.

Hey, figure it out.

You have a chance to go to the Knicks game

with a beautiful woman.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with four kids.

You know what I do every day?

I stay at home with four kids

while Marny gets to go to work,

and Clark, he broke our TV.

Do you have any idea how desperate

my situation is? Look at me.

Look what you've done to me!

I'm all riled up!

Just get Sheila to watch him.

No. No way.

If I tell Sheila I have a date--

Stop. Stop.

She does not get to tell you what to do any more.

We do.

And you're going.

Look, Chris, this is why you moved into our building.

So we could look after you

and play with your life.

Hi, Ernie.

Sheila, how did you get in my apartment?

I had a key made.

Did you hear that, Chris?

Your ex-wife had a key made to your apartment.

Fun. Normal.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to make sure

that your apartment is safe for our son.

Now I see that you've painted.

Is it lead-free?

No, it's lead-only.

I ordered it from the '50s.

Oh, I don't miss that.

And did you see the abandoned well

that we dug in the bathroom?

Oh, I don't miss you.

Oh, hey, would you mind watching Ernie

- for a bit tomorrow? - Why?

I have a date.

A date.

- Yes. - Then no.

Right. Right, 'cause, God forbid

I actually move on with my life--

Or is it maybe that I have a date myself, Chris?

- You have a date? - Yes, I do.

With, like, a man?

Okay. Go away, Nick.

- Good-bye, Nick. - Bye, Sheila.

This is the scary lady I was telling you about.

Come on, you don't really have a date.

You're just jealous that I have one.

No, I do, Chris.

I have a date with a very tall and attractive man no less,

a very tall and attractive professional athlete man.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

You have a date with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

- Yes. - How'd you meet?

J-Date.

Okay, fine, fine, don't help.

- I'll just get a babysitter. - No, no, no, no.

Chris, no babysitters. We've talked about this.

They just throw your kid in front of a TV

and talk on their phone while drinking your wine

and making bathtub meth with your cold medicine.

- Sheila, look, I'm sure-- - Chris, he grew inside me.

Fine. You win again.

Thank you. Okay. Hi, Ernie.

Oh. I will see you on Monday.

Okay? Be good.

- Okay, here you go. - Hi, buddy.

Okay.

Ernie,

I am getting you a babysitter.

And Mommy is gonna like it

because she's not gonna know about it.

Hello.

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Glad I caught you at home.

I'm always at home.

Right, so can I get the name of your babysitter?

- - Babysitter?

Yeah, you know, someone you pay to come over

and watch your kids while you have fun.

Fun?

Oh, yeah, you remember fun.

That thing we used to have before all this magic

came into our lives.

So just the name of your babysitter.

Do you really think we have the disposable income

to pay people to watch these kids?

There are four of them.

They have bled us dry.

They broke the TV, man.

We have nothing.

That means you have nothing too.

Mommy!

Hey, how was the princess party?

Fun.

Daddy, chase me.

Okay. Here I come.

I'm chasing you.

Oh, remember, we have that ridiculous fundraiser

at Violet's school tomorrow night.

Oh, no.

What's the theme this year?

"Set sail for a night of fun and dancing

aboard the ship of dreams-- the Titanic."

And what happens at the end of the night?

You hog a piece of driftwood

that could easily accommodate the both of us?

Hey, Ernie.

I hear you have a hot date tomorrow night.

- I do. - Ooh.

I hope she's condescending like Sheila

'cause I miss feeling badly

about my clothes and education.

- All right. - I went to Colgate.

That is a good school.