Jeff Dunham's Scrooged-Up Holiday Special

Hey, everybody!

Hey, everybody!

It's the holidays!

A time for some joy and laughter.

And no one hands out that stuff better than your friend and mine,

And no one hands out that stuff better than your friend and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

Hey, hey, Milwaukee!

Welcome to my Scrooged-Up Holiday Special in the beer capital of the world.

Man, what a gorgeous theater. What a perfect place to do this.

My boys have been exploring it,

you know, during the day when nothing's going on here.

That third balcony is way the heck up there.

That's literally the nosebleed section. It's awesome.

They were running around, and James discovered something today

that I thought was pretty great. So, he's running around.

And because it's the Pabst Theater,

he found the 'P' on the carpet upstairs.

Right there. See it?

And it runs all the way, up and out--

the sides of all the runners going up and down the hallways

You can see him point to it. Oh, yeah, there he is pointing to it.

He thought that was very cool.

No. He didn't think it was cool. He thought it was hilarious

because if you back up a little to the next photo,

it spells "poop."

So, why a Christmas special?

Well, I'm sharing with you what I know and what I grew up with.

I was raised in a home that celebrated Christmas,

so this is a Christmas special.

If I was Jewish, this would be a Hanukkah special.

If I was black, this might be a Kwanzaa special.

If I was an atheist, this would be a special.

But Christmas is extra special for me,

because when I was eight years-old,

that year under the Christmas tree,

Santa left me my very first ventriloquist dummy.

And I've shown this photograph before,

but I have to show it again because it's one of my favorite ones.

So, under the tree is Mom and me and my first dummy and Dad,

and there we are right there.

- - Thank you.

I think I love that picture also because

you can tell how proud my father is.

But that moment right there began a lifelong career

leading to this very moment here tonight.

But this special is different from any one I've ever done.

My wife Audrey came up with the idea

of me and my guys doing our own film version

of the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.

I thought that would be a great movie.

Why not? Let's see if we can get it made.

But then in the meantime, I thought, how about for my next stand-up special,

what if it's me talking to the guys about their possible roles in the film

and what characters I think they should play.

So, tonight I'm casting.

So, if you know the Christmas Carol story,

see if you can guess who of my guys should play whom in the movie.

You guys ready for the little people in the boxes?

The first guy I'd like to introduce has been in my act a long time,

and I'm fairly certain you can guess who he'd play in A Christmas Carol.

Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.

Shut the hell up!

Good evening, Walter.

And why am I dressed like this?

- I am hot as hell! - I know.

- I think I'm having a stroke. - Come on.

I bet you love the holidays.

I bet you're an idiot.

Come on. What's your favorite Christmas carol?

- My favorite Christmas carol... - That's right.

You mean one that makes me feel joy and hope

- and a beautiful peace inside? - That's right.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

That's not a Christmas carol.

Just imagining fills me with great joy.

Well, I'm happy to see you dressed for the occasion.

Me? I didn't do this. You did this to me!

He takes us on the tour bus and plays dolly freakin' dress-up.

- No, I don't. - No one can hear us scream.

- That's not true. - Ah! He's touching us again!

Stop it. You look great for the occasion.

- What occasion? - This is our Christmas special,

and this special is gonna be on Amazon Prime.

- Amazon? - Yeah.

Oh, so they're gonna deliver this special and leave it on everyone's front porch?

Inside another box that's ten times the size it needs to be?

Then some jerk comes along and steals it off the porch,

and I have to order it all over again?

You know, Amazon makes things very convenient.

Yeah, and how lazy have we gotten? I mean seriously.

"I need a, uh, a toothpick.

I think they're upstairs. Nah, that's too far to walk."

"I'll just order it on Amazon."

Let's see. Two cents for a toothpick

and 29 dollars for shipping. Done.

- - Walter...

Then, five minutes later it's at my front door.

- Yeah. - "Oh, look!

They shipped me my toothpick in a box the size of a Yugo."

A Yugo? That's your reference?

I guess you'd prefer a Prius?

That was a long time ago.

You are forever damaged, my friend.

Look, our special's gonna be on Amazon Prime, the subscription service.

Oh, good, so we can subscribe, watch this special,

then quickly unsubscribe so they won't charge us.

That's not the best way to save money.

Says the guy who owned a Prius.

A blue Prius.

Does your wife enjoy the holidays?

My wife? You mean the nutcracker?

Your wife is a lovely lady, and I know that you love her very much.

- Whatever. - Tell everyone

what you gave your wife last Christmas.

- COVID. - No.

Look, next year there's an idea of us filming a Christmas movie.

- A movie? - Yeah, I'm picking the best roles

- for all the guys. - Oh, and that's why I'm dressed like this?

- Yes. - So I have to act?

- Ever done any acting? - Sure.

- Like what? - I laugh at your jokes.

- That's not funny. - No, not usually. They're not.

- What's the movie? - A Christmas Carol.

And all of us are gonna be in it?

That's the plan.

And, uh, have you actually decided on who gets what role?

I'm working on that right now.

Okay, so you're trying figure out who I should play?

Well, yeah.

So, for me, you've narrowed it down to a few possible characters?

- I'm a very versatile actor. - I'm sure.

I can even be that little kid who has a crutch.

Tiny Tim.

Why are we suddenly talking about your...

- Oh! Oh! Oh! The kid! Tiny Tim! -

- I thought you were talking about your... - Walter...

- ...Tiny Tim. - Walter!

- I'm sorry. - Tiny Tim has a very important role.

I'm sure he does, Jeff. Good for you!

This is a Christmas story.

Good place to hang the mistletoe. That's all I'm saying.

- Walter... - You know, the twigs and berries.

- Will you stop it? -

Okay, back to the movie. Now, what's that kid's name?

- It's Tiny Tim. - Right.

And I'm telling you-- with a little makeup, I could be that kid.

- You could be Tiny Tim? - He's angry, right?

- No. - Oh, I think he is.

What is it he always says?

Well, his most famous line is, "God--"

Oh, yeah! "God, why was I born? It's a hard-knock life!"

- - What?

Then, he sings it, and the sun comes out tomorrow,

and blahdy-blah-blah. I hate that stupid show.

- That's Annie. - Yeah.

And then Tiny Tim gets left alone at his house,

and his mother yells, "Kevin!"

- That's Home Alone. - I could be Kevin,

and you could be the guy that gets hit in the head with a box of tools

- and his hair catches on fire. -

- Can you act? - Can I act?

- You know, hang on a second. - What?

I don't mean to interrupt here. I keep looking at you.

I don't usually throw around compliments.

I just gotta say here, you know, you're getting old,

but you're still looking pretty good.

Don't you think so? He's doing all right?

- Thank you. - Ha-ha. I'm with ya. I'm acting.

One of the most moving scenes in the story is near the end

when Scrooge breaks down crying

because he's filled with regret. Do you think you could do that?

Oh, sure. I'll just pretend I'm your father.

- - What does that mean?

- Oh, come on. Think about you. - What?

Your father saved his entire life

to send his only son to a university.

- Yeah? - Then, you took your degree,

did nothing with it, and ended up doing a puppet show.

How much does that suck for your parents?

- Walter... - I mean, look at what you're doing now.

- This seems pretty good to me. - No, not that. This.