Coupling

Susan!

What?

Where are you going?

It's up to you.

Susan!

What?

What?

You know.

No!...I don't.

I was just wrong.

Wrong about everything.

Since you left me,I've come to see the point

of cut flowers and very small picture frames,

and relatives.

I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time

and buying another towel.

And the stands to put the toilet roll on.

And toilet roll, even when I've got a newspaper.

I now realize that my PlayStation

is a complete waste of my life...

And that a lack of realistic Gore

is not a sensible criticism of chess.

I absolutely promise to abandon

all of my disgusting sexual deviances

like lesbian porn, mariella frostrup...

And talking to other women.

Susan...

Please...

Just take me back.

I found someone new,someone better.

Some who's gonna satisfy me in a way you never could,

you sad pathetic little man.

And I'm gonna make you watch.

Hello, mariella.

Hello, Susan.

Are you wearing really small pants?

Oh, I always wear really small pants

me, too.

Mine are absolutely tiny.

You could swallow my entire pants collection

with one sip of water.

Could I I? Thanks.

Oh, look,there's Gail Porter.

Let's have a foam party.

Hi, Gail.

Are you wearing really tiny pants?

Jeff: Excellent!

Why do you always turn up in these dreams?

It's a gift.

Watch out, mariella's losing power.

Leave now forever!

Susan, I--

and take your pathetic collection

of dirty vieos with you!

Excellent!

What are you doing here?

Spooky, isn't it?

Am I really supposed to be reading this?

No, you're supposed to send it to Steve.

Why?

You've always got to send a man a book when you split up

to prove how you're a caring, giving person

and how they're gonna die alone in a pit of their own filth.

A bridge across destiny

it's about soul mates, fate, and why men are rubbish.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I-I'm fine.

How to heal a man

that one's very useful.

It clarifies to even the happiest man

that, actually,he's miserable.

Kill,kill the dogs!

Kill,kill, kill!

Weren't you supposed to be getting some wine?

It tells men the right things to be happy about

instead of sport and having fun.

Wine!

Now make her do the crawl action.

She doesn't need to crawl.

Trust me.

Wow!

Sally: Susan?

Patrick: Phoning Susan?

Wasn't quite ready.

Jeff: Yeah,I hate phoning.

You never know who's gonna answer.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

But you do realize you're supposed

to phone specific people, right?

Yeah. But still,you know what it's like.

Sally: I thought I heard the phone.

It just sort of...Chirped.

Chirped?

You phone someone,

someone you know or a woman,

and you don't know what's going on.

A chirp, eh?

There's nothing to analyze here, Sally.

Jeff: You're just suddenly in the middle

of someone's house,

anything could be happening.

There could be old people naked.

You wouldn't be able to see them!

Yeah, but they could be out there, rustling.

But it could have been--

who knows?Who cares?

It was a chirp.

There's nothing you can tell from a chirp.

Of course I know that. Good.

How long a chirp?

Sally!

Jeff: Jenny turbot.

I'm sorry?

Worst phone call I ever made.

Right.

If this chirp was an animal...

I mean it!

Jeff: It was my final year at school,

and there she was,jenny turbot.

It was like she'd come to life

from one of my magazines,

as if all the candles and the chanting

had finally worked.

I'd never seen a woman that gorgeous fully dressed.

Clothes looked wrong on her somehow

as if she'd developed a fault.

You know, you could-- don't say it!

Jeff: I fell completely in love with her...

Totally.

I knew she was the one.

Everyone else called her "the school bike,"

said she'd put out for absolutely anyone,

and it wasn't just that.

And I got her phone number, right.

It took me ages,but I got it.

It was on a little scrap of paper,

the turbot's actual phone number.

That little scrap of paper

gave me the best time of my life...

A month of complete sexual bliss.

In the end, I had to phone her before it fell apart.

And she knew who I was!

She remembered me.Nobody ever remembered me.

But the turbot,she remembered.

And we were just chatting away,and it was easy.

And I just asked her out.I just did it.

An actual date.

It wouldn't hurt--yes, it would!

So what went wrong?

Well, her ex suddenly turns up again, doesn't he?

Barry.Barry the bastard.

Before you know it,

they're shagging away like maniacs.

I kept asking her out,obviously, I pleaded,

but she was too busy

with all the endless shagging.

So, in the end,I just had to hang up.

She was having sex with this guy

while you were still on the phone?

Actually, I think the phone was involved.

Oh, dear god!

That was as close as I got to Jenny turbot.

I was a sex aid for her and Barry the bastard.

I counted it as half a point.

I got phoned during sex once.

Can we please not hear about it.

It's a bit embarrassing,actually.

There I was, in the middle of serious, full-on sex,

when my girlfriend phones.

Bloody hell!

That's very embarrassing!

She kept going on and on

about how I was ignoring her.

You don't think it was maybe

because you were having sex with somebody else?

No, no,I was having sex with her.

Shit!What?

Sally, no! That way madness lies.

I didn't say anything that time.

You just thought it.

What's wrong?

I connected.

When I phoned Susan--for a moment, I connected.

Shall we say it together?

So?What do you mean, "so?"

All five: 1471!

What if she checks?She'll know it was me.

Well?

What if she's there?What if she's about to--

Patrick, have you got your mobile?

No.

Jeff?Why?

So you know,one way or the other.

Will you phone her?

I don't want to phone her.

Jeff, please!Forget it!

You don't have to talk to her.

I'm not talking to her.

You're the ones who've split up.