Miss Nobody

For a long time,

I'd walk into work convinced they all knew,

They saw right through me, me and my innocent act,

Which never used to be an act--

It's who I really was.

I would never do anything bad, ever!

I always imagined myself having a simple life--

Find a nice guy, settle down, live happily ever after.

Who would've thought

Looking for love would be so tricky?

But like mom always said,

"sarah jane, ambition will put you in an early grave."

That's me, sarah jane mckinney,

Administrative assistant at judge pharmaceuticals.

Okay, I was a secretary,

Five years and counting. I was good at my job,

And I even liked it most of the time.

But you know what they say--

A job doesn't keep you warm at night

Or make your heart skip a beat.

I was beginning to wonder--

Had my life been jinxed right from the start?

When I was a kid, I was mom's little movie star,

Which explains why she did me up just like audrey hepburn

For the st. George's beauty pageant.

Well, that's mom.

I tried to make her happy, and for good reason...

Claire! ...My dad.

Claire!

The divorce papers clearly state that I got rights!

Now, where's my goddamn daughter?

Shh! Shut up.

Get off me! Stop!

My mom believed in karma,

That we all got what we deserved.

But me, I...

I leaned more towards divine intervention,

My guardian angel.

St. George.

Dragon slayer, patron saint of chivalry,

Knights, romance...

And justice.

but ever since then,

St. George has watched out for me.

Take frankie sheftell.

I thought frankie was everything a girl could want--

Popular...

Athletic...

A serious hottie.

Oh, don't worry. He survived.

He even asked me to marry him

Over a milkshake at the dairy joy.

Mom was heartbroken when he ditched me at the altar,

But really st. George had sent me

Another blessing in disguise.

The blessing was the salad girl from pizza hut,

And her name turned out to be dick.

Was I unlucky in love?

You never really know.

I trusted my guardian angel.

St. George would guide me to my knight in shining armor.

Please, please, please grant me this wish.

Show me the right path,

And I promise I will never let you down,

Never ever ever.

Honest.

I swear it.

I faced life at judge one day at a time...

With my bff, charmaine abatemarco.

...Posted right there on the board.

I says to myself, "charmaine," I says...

That's so charmaine, always with the big plans.

She had ambition. I wish I had big plans.

You know what I'm saying? Hey!

Hmm?

So I applied, and I will not be denied.

You should totally apply, too.

I mean, I don't know if you'll get it,

'cause I have more experience,

But you should definitely try.

Sarah jane: Lie? Claire: That's right, lie.

If you want this gig, you gotta get

A little loosey-goosey with the facts.

I know, but a master's in chemistry?

Look, judge pharmaceuticals is a drug company, right?

Well, if you want to be an executive,

Vast right-wing conspiracy, you gotta smell like one.

Yeah, but, mom, it's just-- it's so wrong.

What if they check up?

That's the beauty of lying, baby, the never do.

They're too busy lying to themselves.

Come on, honey, look, do you wanna be like me,

Or do you wanna be like me?

Oh, mr.--

No, mom, I got it.

Swallowed your dentures again!

Mr. Ketchum! Mr. Ketchum!

There you go. Cough 'em up.

Cough 'em right there.

That's our boarder, mr. Ketchum.

Mom was so tired of fishing his dentures out of the toilet,

But he was a sweet old man...

Although his alzheimer's was definitely getting worse.

Uh, mr. Ketchum?

Just once, why couldn't mom rent

To some young, handsome guy?

Mr. Ketchum? Dorothy?

Mr. Ketchum! Hi.

I'm okay.

me too.

Thanks.

You okay, Mr. Ketchum?

Okay, mr. Ketchum, let's go.

Upstairs, beddy-bye.

Go on, you old fart.

How he pays his rent, I'll never know.

Must have some money buried in the cellar, huh?

Oh, oh! Oh, and madame curie,

"chemistry's" spelled with one "m," not two.

Hmm.

"dear mr. Gabowski, I have been

An administrative assistant at judge..."

I worked on that application until 3:00 in the morning.

I told them that I loved chemistry,

That I loved judge pharmaceuticals,

And that I knew that company from the inside out.

I didn't think of it as lying,

Just embellishing a bit.

Look, I omitted the part about being nominated

For a nobel peace prize.

St. George would grant me some wiggle room.

Charmaine: Oh, my god. What?

You got it! No!

Yes! A junior executive.

St. George and I were on our way up.

Secretary-wise,

I knew everybody and everybody knew me.

There wasn't a xerox copier I couldn't ink,

A bigalow's tea bag I couldn't locate.

But that? That was ancient history.

I'd moved up to judge pharmaceuticals

Famed division four.

My first day as a junior executive,

I toasted st. George with a double-shot low-fat hazelnut latte

And fortified myself with estee lauder

Perfume freebies at nordstrom's.

Stop by confession first or nordstrom's?

Nordstrom's. Mm. Sexy.

Constipated, period? Nope.

Cramps, eczema, asthma? No.

Mm. Ah-ha. So.

You gonna knock 'em dead or what?

Do I know you from somewhere?

Charmaine abatemarco, honeybun.

Seventy-five words per minute, coffee always fresh,

And don't you dare forget me. Hey, sarah jane!

Don't you dare.

Oh. Uh, you must be Miss McKinney.

Milo Beeber.

They didn't tell you.

Tell me?

St. Louis division flew me in last Friday.

They didn't tell you.

Oh, a-all I know is that I applied

For this job a month ago, and Mr. Grabow--

Grabowski's been fired.

Oh.

Promotion's off.

Oh.

Um, I assume this is yours, yes?

Uh-huh.

And...

Yeah.

I'm being let go?

Oh, no, nothing like that.

You get to be my new secretary.

Will that be all, sir?

Um... Coffee.

Coffee?! He actually said that?

Mm-hmm! Translation-- put up, suck up, or die!

But still, oh! Ugh!

He's kind of cute. Charmaine abatemarco!

I'm just saying, you know, he could be quite a catch.

What?

Sweetie, look. It wasn't but a minute ago

You were all set to marry frankie numb-nuts.

Remember him? You wanted to start

Popping out little pygmies,

Grow an industrial-sized ass, and settle down

For a nice long run as a housefrau?

When that didn't fly, you set your sights on the executive suites.

Why? Hey! 'cause you're a survivor, right?

All I'm selling now is survive more!

Combine the two and become mrs. Beeber,

Executive housefrau.

No, uh-uh, no way.

I don't even know if this beeber guy is even attracted to me.

Rule of thumb-- if the new boss

Is even the least bit game,

He starts with the wandering hand disease.