Modern Family

Today, Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball,

and it hit another kid so hard, his eye popped out.

Awesome.

Really? His eye popped out?

Well, got to hit the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.

That's right. It's somebody's birthday.

Not just that --

The ipad comes out on my actual birthday.

It's like steve jobs and god

Got together to say, "we love you, phil."

What is so great about that doohickey, anyhow?

"doohickey," elly may?

It's a movie theater, a library, and a music store

All rolled into one awesome pad.

A library is a place where people get books.

A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

I better load the beach chair into the trunk.

I'm gonna need it for the line in the morning.

Wait, honey, hang on.

You can't spend your birthday in line.

Well, not the whole day.

I have to be there at 6:00, or forget about it,

And then I'm out by 10:00.

Why don't you let me do it?

Claire, you don't have to do that.

No, I know, but I want to.

And that way, on your birthday,

You'll wake up, and you'll have your brand-new...Toy.

Okay.

Well, in spite of you calling it a toy,

This is shaping up to top the best birthday I ever had.

Oh, thank god we didn't have to hear

That stupid story about --

It was called the fun zone. I was 11.

I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage.

Then my best friend, jeff sweeney,

Stepped in and took one in the groin.

I yelled out, "ball two!"

Everybody laughed.

That was when I knew I was funny.

Good night.

B-e-l-I-e-v-e. Believe.

Are you sure there's not an e-I in the middle?

No. It's I-e.

Good, papi.

If I can't fool you,

Then your teachers can't fool you, either.

I don't think they're trying to fool me.

Wait until you see what I got phil for his birthday.

I found it on the skymall catalog.

Uh, it's not one of those talking alarm clocks?

"it's 6:05." "it's 6:25."

"wake up. Wake up."

Even better - a rosewood chess set.

As a matter of fact, before I wrap this thing,

What say we take it for a spin?

Come on, manny. I'll teach you.

He knows how to play. His father taught him.

I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the colombian version.

We actually use the pieces to play the game,

Not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Eh, I know one colombian piece

You won't be playing with later.

Manny, come on. Let's see what you got.

You'd be surprised.

Manny's an excellent player.

But jay is a grumpy loser.

He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door,

Then he said he didn't slam the door.

It's better that he wins.

Oh, I got this. Yeah.

Man: Everything's gonna be okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Cam!

Cam! Leave me alone.

No, there -- there's a - thers a man in lily's room.

Huh?

There's a man in lily's room!

It's go time.

Oh, thank god.

No, no! It's me, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.

E's fine. She's fine.

We must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor.

Thank god.

Boy, if a spider would've broken in here,

He would've been in trou-u-ble.

The Tuunz e Addic7ed-

Trancript by Addic7ed Synchronized by Maubri

Light-up barbecue tongs.

This was the lame gift I got phil.

So...

was I bummed to get up at 5:00 in the morning

And wait in line?

No.

No, because I was finally getting my husband

Something that he really, really wanted.

I was every bit as excited as he was.

No.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday.

Hey, what do you say we play again?

I'm good.

That's the spirit.

Downloaded this for you.

It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.

No, jay. I'm good.

Ah, it's not all dry like that. They have fun with it.

See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.

Now you are making me want to play again.

Now we're lighting a fire.

Let me toss this out.

If you beat me, if that day should ever come,

I'll give you, uh...

I want your watch.

Wow. You had that loaded up, huh?

Okay. Game on.

Now, I want you to go first.

Now, remember, try to open up the middle of the board.

I'd have moved that guy two spaces --

More aggressive.

And you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly.

See, now, you could have protected that with that,

But now you're vulnerable to --

Checkmate. Huh?

What?

How'd you do that?

You will not believe what's going on

At jake and debbie's house.

Who?

The people on the monitor. They must live nearby.

So much drama.

Okay, jake told debbie that he had to work late,

So she called his boss and found out that he didn't.

Busted!

So she spent all morning on the phone

Crying and crying and crying to her mother

And said if jake has to work "late" one more time,

She's filing for divorce.

Huh.

That's it? I give you that tasty dish, and all you give me is a "huh"?

I'm -- I'm s-- cam, I froze last night.

I froze.

I-I thought lily was in danger, and I froze.

But not you -- no, you sprung right into action.

You even had the cool "it's go time" line.

That comes to me naturally.

I spent a year as a crossing guard.

Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I

If I can't even protect my own family, you know?

J-j-just once I would love to be the - the guy with no fear

Who can stand up and...

I don't know, you know, kick some ass.

You're so cute when you're angry with your little fists.

I just want to put you in my pocket.

I think he's coming.

He's coming?

here he comes. Dad!

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Luke: Happy birthday, dad. You guys, that's awesome.

Oh, who are these from?

Cam and mitchell.

Those guys are a class act.

We're making you breakfast. Uh-huh.

French waffle cakes.

Let me guess --

One waffle in between two pieces of french toast,

Wrapped in a pancake.

Nailed it.

Bring it in here, monkeys.

Love you!

Get over here!

Good enough.

Luke: Where's mom?

You mean the greateswoman in the world?

She is standing in line at the apple store,

Making all my birthday wishes come true.

Aww. Let's see how these bad boys taste.

Luke: Are you okay? Esh out of the oven, eh?

That is --

Do you want some ice? Yes.

Oh, man, this --

oh, that feels better. That feels better.

Alex: Really? Good.

No, it actually -- that... Feels weird.

That burns in a different way! Ow!

Oh!

Don't wash this until we see

If I can get my skin back, okay?

Let me see it!

Oh, your party's not until tonight.

You're just gonna have to wait.

Just let me see the bag.

Did you leave it in the car? Yeah.

Hey, who'd you deal with? Was it a guy named mehar?

They call him "the beast." oh.

He's a tiny guy. He must move a ton of product. Oh.

I kind of love that you're making me wait.

you are the best wife ever!