Two and a Half Men

Sorry, Nigel.

Dinner took longer than I thought.

And now we are stuck in traffic.

Yeah, bumper to bumper.

Well, tell Ava I'll be there in an hour, okay?

Okay.

Why didn't you just tell him the truth?

Because I know my ex-husband quite well,

and it would really upset him if he found out

you flew me to San Francisco in your private jet

just to have fried clams.

Yeah, you're right.

You shouldn't tell him.

Thank you.

I'll tell him.

I just wanted to do something nice for you

before you went to London.

I'll only be gone a few weeks.

And I...

will miss you.

And I will miss you.

Whoa. What was that?

Don't worry, it's normal.

Ahh! That's not normal!

God, oh, God, oh, God!

Zoey, I love you.

I don't want to die.

Did you hear me? I said I love you.

I heard you, and I said I don't want to die.

Sorry about that, Mr. Schmidt.

Just some clear air turbulence.

Should be smooth sailing from here on out.

I doubt that.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men

Aw...

What's sadder than an empty bottle of wine?

Being the boyfriend of a 40-year-old drunk soccer mom.

What?

Oh, I was just thinking

you might want to slow down a little.

It's only wine, geez.

It's only been wine since last July.

Hey, hey, that got a three-star rating

in the Wal-Mart wine tracker.

What's the big deal?

So, I need a few glasses to loosen me up.

Are you saying you need to get loaded

in order to have sex with me?

I'm not loaded. Fine.

But it doesn't hurt.

Hey, guys.

Wally! Want some wine?

No, I don't like to drink when I'm depressed.

Wally, it's the best time to drink.

Also when you're bored, lonely, or just, you know,

too sober.

Why are you depressed?

I don't know.

It's kind of personal.

Okay, no problem.

What do you do when you

tell someone you love them and they don't respond?

Drink.

Wait, you told Zoey you love her?

Yeah, I thought the plane was gonna crash,

and it just kind of came out,

along with a little squirt of pee.

So, what did she say?

"Oh, God, oh, God, I don't want to die."

Well, given the circumstance, that's a legitimate response.

Sure, in the moment,

but what about after the plane leveled out?

Well, what did she say then?

"Why do I smell pee?"

Then we just sat there in silence

for the rest of the flight.

Should have drank.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go change my underwear

before I get diaper rash.

Wow, I feel bad for him.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, to tell somebody you love them,

and just get no response.

Awful.

You know how I feel about you, right?

Right.

You know how I feel about you.

Oh, absolutely.

Still nice to hear on occasion.

Oh, I agree.

I can do this as long as you can, pal.

It's open.

Hey.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

I didn't sleep at all last night, man.

This Zoey stuff is making me crazy.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I'm starting to wonder

if I should break up with her,

Oh, hang on. I mean, just because she didn't say,

"I love you," doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.

You think?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Some people have a hard time

articulating their feelings,

so they express them in other ways.

Is that Lyndsey?

Yeah, she had a little too much vino last night.

Anyway, I think you just have to be patient with Zoey.

Yeah, I guess.

Sorry, I... I have a... a hard time with...

people throwing up.

Try watching and holding her hair.

It's just, Zoey's going to England for a few weeks.

And-and I'm th... (gags)

I'm-I'm starting to think if... (gags)

if I'm gonna end it, now would be a good time.

Well, it...

Whoa.

You think I'd be used to it by now.

No, no, no, don't...

Don't do anything hasty.

I can't... I... I can't just leave th...

I can't just leave things the way that they are.

Why don't you... Why don't you go talk to her,

you know, and just put your caaards on the table.

Yeah, maybe.

Crap,

now I've got to change my bra.

I-I-I mean, maybe we should just give her some privacy.

Oh, God, now it's coming out both ends!

Good idea.

Ava, you need to get dressed.

Mummy has to go.

Walden.

De-e-lightful.

Nigel, di-isgusting.

What, are you here to pick up your daughter?

I am.

Zoey tell you that we took my jet to San Francisco

last night for fried clams?

No, she did not.

Well, we did.

Are you sharing this information just to upset me?

Actually, I was hoping to make you feel inadequate as well.

Oh, Walden.

What are you doing here?

Nigel, I'm running late,

so will you for once please make yourself useful

and help Ava get ready?

Well, only because you asked so nicely.

Enjoy her.

Hi.

We need to talk.

Now? I'm about to leave for the airport.

I'll take you.

Thanks, but I have a car coming.

Now, where is my passport?

Nigel, have you seen my passport?

I don't live here, Zoey,

I merely pay the rent.

Look, I just don't want to leave things between us

the way that they are.

Everything's fine.

No, it's not.

I said I love you, and the only thing

I got in response is the not very surprising information

that you don't want to die in a crashing plane.

Can't we discuss this when I get back?

What's there to discuss?

You either love me, or you don't.

Walden, I'm about to leave on an important business trip,

and the last thing I need right now is more pressure.

I'm not pressuring you.

I'm just asking you for a simple, definitive answer

right now before you leave.

What was that?

Sorry, just knocked over your Chinese table lamp.

Perhaps you can buy another one

next time you jet to San Francisco.

It came up.

I'm sorry, I just don't have the time for this now, okay?

Ava, are you dressed?

That seems pretty definitive to me.

That's it.

No more relationships. I'm done.

Finished; just over.

Hi.

Hi.

And I'm back.

* Men

Hey, can I have 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty?