South Park

All right, parents and students, please take your seats.

Okay, okay.

Now, as you know,

there was an incident at the school last week

involving a student referring to rape

as a "Hot Cosby."

M'kay?

Listen, listen!

Principal Victoria has been fired.

- Whoa. - What?

- Fired? - Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed

to try and make South Park Elementary

a more progressive place that fits in with today's times.

M'kay?

So, please welcome P.C. Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is P.C. Principal.

I don't know about you, but frankly, I'm sick and tired

of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society.

I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp!

Students who still use the word "retarded."

A teacher who said women without wombs

should get an AIDS test.

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef person of color

who the children had sing soul songs

and who the children drove to kill himself.

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days detention for you, young man.

- We'll see you at 4:00. - What?

Let me ask you this... We're in Colorado, right?

Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh?

Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we have Token. He's black.

And that's two days detention for you, Mackey.

Congratulations.

Wha... I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here,

and I could not believe the shit you are getting away with.

People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights,

but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom.

A white man who thinks he's Chinese,

and built a wall to keep out Mongolians.

Ooh, I hate-a Mongolians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm telling you all, this is done.

Like it or not, P.C. is back, and it's bigger than ever.

Woo! Woo! Woo! You hear that?

That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people.

Suck it.

Man, I guess things are gonna be different around here.

You know what? I think it's good.

Let's face it, this is long overdue.

Did you guys hear?

Cartman got four days detention

for calling Heidi Turner "clitty litter."

Rmphm?

But the thing is, Eric isn't even fighting it.

It's like he's all sad and scared.

Good! He should be sad and scared.

These things do matter.

And I already feel better to be at a school

where we can start to have a dialogue

and talk about this stuff.

Will Kyle Broflovski

report to the principal's office immediately, m'kay?

Kyle Broflovski.

Did I say that all right?

Uh, hi.

I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father.

Have a seat.

I've been talking with your child,

and we're gonna be giving him two weeks detention.

What's this about, Kyle?

Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl

that, frankly, make me want to puke.

Now that I'm principal,

I'm not gonna allow anyone at this school

to be made feel unsafe and harassed.

W-W-What did he say?

You'll have to excuse my language.

"I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."

This kind of transphobic and bigoted hate speech

isn't gonna fly here, bro!

I thought we were all on board

that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, beautiful woman

who had the exquisite bravery

of a butterfly flying against the wind.

And then this shit comes out of people's mouths!

P.C. Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle

was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person,

and not trying to say anything against...

You got a fucking problem, bro?

No.

'Cause it's not Bruce fucking Jenner!

It's Caitlyn, and she's a fucking stunning woman!

Or maybe you're the one teaching him

to demean women in the first place.

Huh?! What's up? What's fucking up, bro?!

Look, maybe we can all just take...

Get the fuck out of here, dude!

- Aah! - Aah!

I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is?

Some college kid's gonna come in and tell us our ways are old?

Yeah.

And you can't bully our kids like that.

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

For what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner.

Oh. Caitlyn Jenner? She's a hero.

She is stunning and brave.

Stunning.

She is absolutely beautiful and an inspiration.

- Yep. - Yep, that's right.

What the hell are you guys talk...

Uh, we got to be careful, Gerald.

This is a college bar.

Somebody here have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner?

- No. - No?

'Cause she's a stunning, beautiful woman,

and if you want to call her anything else,

I'm ready to fucking throw down.

No, no. We're totally fine with it.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

"It"?

Did somebody just refer to Caitlyn Jenner as "it"?!

I'm P.C., bro. I'll throw down.

- Sweet! You're P.C., bro? - Yeah, Arizona State.

Sweet, bro. I'm P.C. UMass.

- Fuck yeah! Sweet, dude. - Sweet!

So, do we have a fucking problem here?

No!

Caitlyn Jenner is the bravest woman in America.

Wee-oo! Wee-oo! Wee-oo!

Did someone here just say America

in a way that otherizes and demeans

the people of Latin and South America?!

Nice, dude. You P.C.?

Yeah, Chino Hills.

You think Venezuelans aren't Americans, brah?!

Yeah, you want to make fun of me?!

Hey! What seems to be the problem here, gentlemen?

- Who the hell are you? - I'm P.C. Principal.

Oh, nice. We're all P.C., too.

No way! There's more P.C. bros here?

Yeah, dude. Ohio State.

Sweet, bros! Texas A&M.

Bro, I had no idea there were like-minded individuals

in this town who defended social minorities.

- We should all hang out! - We should totally hang out!

We should all get a house together

and unite our tolerant views.

- Fucking do it, dude! - Fuck yeah!

Whoo! No problematic language here, bro!

Whoo!

Well, looks like things are getting all P.C. again.

Fuck yeah, bro! P.C.!

Well, how long do you think this will last?

Lasted about six years last time.

We got at least 5.9 years to go.

Uh, hey, Cartman. What's going on?

Aren't you going to, uh, you know,

go do something about this new principal?

I've already got four days of detention.

I don't want any more.

I'm gonna start following the rules.

But this isn't you, Cartman!

Yeah, where's the Eric Cartman we know?

The Eric Cartman we know breaks the rules,

and he gets away with it, just like his hero.

Come on. Who's your hero, Cartman?

Tom Brady.

Right.

And what does Tom Brady do after breaking the rules?

- Deny and subvert. - Yeah!

Yeah, what... what would Tom Brady say

if he got caught shoplifting?

"Everybody shoplifts. Why are you coming down on me?"

- Yeah! - Yeah!

You're Tom Brady, Cartman.

And that new principal in there is the football commissioner

trying to dictate his punishment to you.

And what happens when an invulnerable cheater

comes up against an elitist corporate dictator?

A perfect storm of hypocrisy that everyone in the country

has to deal with for months on end.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

You're right, guys. I'm gonna Tom Brady this thing.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I'm gonna say... I'm gonna say,

"You're not giving me four days of detention.

You're only giving me one!"

- Yeah! - Yeah!

No! No, to hell with that!

You're giving me no days detention!

And then I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife,

who's not even that hot, kind of looks like a dude!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Thanks, guys.

I almost forgot the lessons that football has taught us all.