JJ Villard's Fairy Tales

aah! Ugh!

Aah!

I wish I wasn't such a piece of a-shit.

I wish I had a son to watch

"a-villardia's got talent" with-a.

a son! That's it!

I know, I'll make a-one.

so, what will I call you?

I know! Your name is pinocchio!

You want to watch "villardia's got talent"?

Pinocchio?

Are you going to answer me?

who am I kidding? He's not a-real!

I'm just an old fool.

hello, pop tart.

Who the hell are you?

I'm a magical fairy and I'm here to grant your biggest wish.

You're going to give-a me a son?

You got it, sugar nuts!

I give you, pinocchio, the gift of life.

hiya, pop, where's the slop?

Ouch!

Hee hee hee!

My god!

A real --

hey, this isn't a real boy.

Screw you, ya dingleberry poo poo face.

well, he's not real yet.

Now here's the challenge --

you have three days to turn

pinocchio into a sweet, kind, and polite child.

And if you can do that, I'll turn him into a real boy.

But if you can't turn him into a good boy,

I'll send you both straight to

hell where your anuses will be punished and tortured

by all the nastiest demons forever and ever.

hmm.

That sounds like a good deal to me.

Okay.

pinocchio, remember -- be good!

Oh, my god!

bad pinocchio!

I'll a-teach you to be a good a-boy.

oh-ho, oh-ho!

Oh-ho!

I'm the devil! I'm the devil!

pinocchio!

Whadda you do? Ya gotta be a good boy

or we're gonna go straight to hell and our rigatonis

are gonna be a-leonardo dicaprio'd.

I'm-a trying to teach ya!

See ya, mother

that's a-my prius.

Ah, ooh, I'm a-bleeding.

wake up, papa.

I'm sorry I stabbed you.

I'll be a good boy from now on.

Ee-hee!

My little boy.

I love you, papa.

aah!

what time is it?

I've been asleep for two days!

pinocchio!

You killed a-this poor old woman.

She was trying to stop me from being a naughty boy.

don't you understand-a?

You have to be good or else-a your poor old a-papa is

going to get his-a sphincterini gabagooled in hell!

Whatever. Get your big fat fart wagon off the couch.

P-ster needs to sleepster.

Okay, you a-sleep while I a-clean up your brutal crime.

man: Villardia pd! Open up!

Good evening, officer.

How can I help you on this-a fine --

we got a report that some jack-a-ninny

in a prius was running over old ladies around here.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that,

would ya, pops? Oh, no.

I've-a just been here with my son

a-watching "villardia's got a-talent."

huh. I thought you lived here all alone.

Ee, my son's in town visiting from out of state.

Heh, cute kid.

All right, mr. Gelato.

Just, uh, one more thing.

Where's the baby blue prius that's registered in your name?

I don't see it in your driveway here.

Oh, I, uh...

I gave it away.

Uh, to the charity.