The Longest Yard

The waves Keep on crashing on me

For some reason

But your love Keeps on coming

Like a thunderbolt

Well, come here A little closer

'Cause I want to see you Baby

Real close up

You got me feeling hella good So let's just keep on...

- Hey, sexy. - Hi.

I love that dress.

Of course you do, Lorenzo. You made it.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hey, guys.

- Ah, there you are. Hi. - Lena.

- You've done it again. - Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.

Gotta mingle.

Oh, the girls are by the pool.

Well, well, well, Lena. So where's this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?

I didn't know you were a football fan, Patrick.

I've never watched a game. I'm just a big fan of his old underwear ads.

Well, he's probably just getting out of the shower.

Let me go hurry his ass up.

- Hi. - Hey, babe.

Start of the fourth quarter,

and Owens will throw. He's got Brown wide open!

You have got to be kidding me.

Honey, just let me finish the game, I'll take you to the movies.

Take me to the movies?

Hello! There's a huge party going on downstairs.

Remember the catering trucks and the valet parkers?

Oh, shit, I forgot.

I'll tell you what you should forget about.

Football.

Because it's forgotten all about you.

Now, you're going to put this outfit on that I bought you,

drag your drunken ass downstairs

and mingle with my clients like a good boy.

Who am I? Elton John? I ain't wearing that shit.

- Yes, you are. - I'm not your trained monkey, honey.

No. You're much more expensive than that.

But I tell you what.

If you're not downstairs in five minutes,

I'm gonna throw you out of my bed,

out of my house and out of my life.

Then you're gonna have to pay for your own bananas.

I'm just so mad at you because you're not wearing my gift.

Gift?

What gift?

It's like a I-love-you gift. I left it in the closet for you.

Really?

- Paul, I'm so excited. - Yeah.

I can't believe you did this.

- Where'd you put it? - In the back, on the right.

Paul? Paul, what are you doing?

I think we need some alone time, honey,

so I'm gonna go take a cruise in your Bentley.

Don't you dare take my car, you drunken bastard!

- I own you! - I love you.

Somebody please open this damn door! Patrick?

- Lena? - Patrick.

What happened to you?

He locked me in the closet and left me to die.

Oh, my God, he is deranged!

He thinks he can mess with me. (DIALING)

911.

It's a Saturday Night Special

Oh, man. Here come the party poopers.

Ain't good for nothin'

But put a man Six feet in a hole

Well, well, well. I'll be damned. If it isn't Paul Crewe.

So, what did I do wrong? Was I driving poorly?

Nope. Nope. This car was reported stolen.

No, no, no. It's actually my girlfriend's car.

Shit happens.

Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

I gotta ask you something. Does he get XM Radio with those?

Actually, they get a couple of channels.

It's Paul Crewe.

Another question, though.

Santa Claus. What's he like?

Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure like yourself,

but, hell, I don't think you got too many

endorsement deals to worry about, now, do you?

Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo. Don't get short with me.

That was good. I mean, he's good.

Man. I hope you got a lot of money for that game you threw,

because that was the most pathetic thing I ever saw.

Now, step out of the vehicle, Mr. Crewe.

Don't you think I should pull the car over more? I could get sideswiped.

You're slurring your words a bit there, Paul.

- You been drinking tonight? - Absolutely not.

Now, could you do me a favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.

Hey, you can finish that one. I got five more. Take care, guys.

We got a 594 in progress.

Okay, remain calm.

How you doing? What's up? What's up? What's up? (LAUGHS)

What you are watching is

live footage of a vehicle, apparently stolen,

being pursued by police.

We're receiving word now that the driver of that vehicle

is former Pittsburgh football star Paul Crewe.

Crewe, you might remember,

was the only man ever to be indicted on federal racketeering charges

for shaving points in a professional football game,

although it was never fully proven.

Oh-ho! Yeah!

- Hello. - Do not get one more scratch

on my car, or I will slit your throat.

See, that's our problem, sweetie.

You care about this car more than you do us.

And how'd you even know there was a scratch on this baby?

Because I am watching you on TV, as is the whole country.

Once again, you are proving to everyone

what a worthless piece of shit you are.

Well, I hope they like this.

Hey, Lena!

I think we should start seeing other people!

I think I'm in love.

Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.

Without question, Crewe's five-year

federal probation for point-shaving

has been severely violated tonight.

The future of this once-great football star looks very dark indeed.

Long way from the big city, huh, superstar?

Staying with the times around here, huh?

Ain't she beautiful?

Home sweet home, boy.

Get on your feet.

You're one lucky son of a bitch, Crewe.

Is that right? - That's right.

See, the warden loves his football.

Fact, he was on the winning side of your little thing.

- Well, tell him congratulations. - But I wasn't.

Welcome to Allenville.

Thank you, sergeant. I'll take it from here.

- Afternoon, inmate Crewe. - Yeah.

Come on. Warden wants to see you.

Let's do it.

Move it.

My niggas We don't stomp

'Cause we be goin' through The players go in

The haters go lose Sendin' in the

Dope roller, blunt smoker Dope choker

Fo, fo Two honeys poker

Polo sporter Bet I poke her

Game shooter High pointster

Aim through the Do the singer...

I used to play a little college ball myself.

Down at the University of Miami.

I bet a lot of your old teammates are locked up in here.

No inmates from my playing days. Couple of guards, though.

See, we got us a fine prison-guard league down here.

It's like a company softball team.

Now, the warden...

...he's gonna ask you to help out.

Okay. With what?

That wasn't nice.

When the warden asks you,

what are you gonna say?

Yes?

You're gonna tell him "no." You got it?

You're gonna tell the warden

that you want nothing to do with his football fantasies.

Not in my backyard.

Because the warden don't run this prison. I do.

You understand?

Not entirely.

Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.

Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.

I don't get to say this to my new guests very often,

but it's an honor to have you here at this institution.

It's an honor to be locked up here, sir.

Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.

Colonel Sanders been eating his own chicken.

He's my political advisor.

See, I've been approached by several very influential people

wondering if I'd be interested in standing for governor.

They see the way I run this prison, think maybe I should run this state.

Only with less sodomy, right?

Hopefully none.

Sorry.

Now, there are two things we take very seriously

here in the state of Texas.

Prison and football.