One Night Stan - Tom Gleeson - Great

(TENSE, FLURRYING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC BUILDS)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES TO BUILD)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO)

(TENSE, FLURRYING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BREEZY MID-TEMPO LOUNGE MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Yes!

Hello!

G'day.

Fuck off.

Ah! (CHUCKLES) Get out of it!

How are you, Melbourne motherfuckers? Are you good?

Yeah! - Yes!

Thanks so much for coming along. I really appreciate it.

G'day, mate. How are you? You alright?

- You good up the top? - (AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Good to go?

G'day. How are you? You alright?

You're all worried 'cause you're gonna be in the show.

Got a fan down the front. G'day, mate.

I can tell because we're dressed the same.

When people go and see a band, they dress like the band.

You have dressed like the band, mate. You really have.

You have thought, "I am going to look bald, middle-aged and average,"

and you fuckin' nailed it, mate, you really have.

I've got a lot of fans.

You often see us wandering around looking for lunch.

"Whoa-ho!

"Where's lunch?"

- What's your name, buddy? Greg.

Greg. G'day, Greg. What do you do, Greg?

I'm a lawyer. - You're a lawyer! There you go.

Pretty fuckin' average. There you go.

- (LAUGHTER) - (CHUCKLES)

What law firm do you work for?

- Oh, I'll keep it private. - You'll keep it private, will you?

OK. Why? Are you worried that you might sue yourself?

Alright, well, thanks for coming to the show. I really appreciate it.

I'm really excited about tonight.

I'm here recording my special, so I'm gonna do it properly.

- And... - (LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna make sure this is a really good one because it's on tape.

I'm gonna try really hard.

And I'm in a good mood because I've been getting into talcum powder.

- And, um... - (LAUGHTER)

No, I'm feeling good. I've got a crotchful right now.

I'm good to go.

If you kicked me in the groin,

you'd be greeted with a plume of smoke

and memories of your grandad.

You'd go... (MIMICS SMALL EXPLOSION)

"Grandad, I miss you!"

I've been getting into it

because what's happened is as I've gotten older

the fitted sheet is a bit too big for the mattress - you with me?

I feel like I'm losing some of you.

I'm saying it's like I've bunged a king on a single

and there's a bit of fuckin' give.

Malcolm Turnbull, he'd use talcum powder, wouldn't he,

don't you reckon?

I reckon he would. He'd call it his 'Malcolm powder'.

"Lucy, fetch me the Malcolm powder! Come on.

"Come and powder my plums, Lucy. Come on.

"If you do a good job, there'll be growth. Come on."

That last election was weird, wasn't it? It was weird, wasn't it?

It was like Australia sat down to do a shit

and nothing came out, you know what I mean?

It was like for eight weeks we were straining away...

..then no result.

That turd Pauline Hanson popped out. There was that.

"Oh, look, Australia's got blood in its stool. Ohh."

Ah, fuck her. Whatever. Who cares?

One Nation.

One Nation wants to ban Muslims from coming into Australia.

How?

How would you even do that?

Like, what, at Customs people walk up -

"Er, yeah, hello.

"Look, I'm sorry, you can't bring any fruit into Australia."

"Alright. OK. Yeah, cool."

"Do you have any fruit in your bag?

"Um, no."

"OK, cool."

"Are you a Muslim?"

"Um, I was.

"But now I see all of these 'No Muslims' signs,

"I'm starting to rethink it.

"I was a Muslim back in duty-free, I'll be honest with you,

"but I've now renounced it.

"I've renounced all my beliefs.

"Right now, as of now, I'm an atheist.

"But then by the time I get to the baggage carousel,

"I'm gonna take up the religion again.

"I have...'cause I've actually got a prayer mat

"rolled up in my bag full of oranges, and, um..."

And I'm one of the moderate motherfuckers, I really am.

- I'm enjoying Peter Dutton's work. - (LAUGHTER)

No, I do. I don't know why.

His loose face relaxes me. (CHUCKLES)

You know, you see him on the news.

He's like... .."Uh-huh. Hello.

"Errr, I'm Peter Dutton, yeah. Hello.

"Hello! Hel..." (LAUGHS)

I always like to... I imagine him in Cabinet, right?

I always imagine him in Cabinet.

Everyone would just be taking the piss out of him.

He'd be like, "Come on, guys. Come on.

"Come on, you've all had your fun. Come on.

"Come on, guys! Come on, you've had your fun.

"Come on, leave it alone. Get your hand off it. Come on.

"Who was that? Someone flicked me in the nuts. Who was that?

"Oh, Christopher Pyne, come on, stop it!"

Man, I'm trying to enjoy Malcolm Turnbull as best I can,

but he's been a bit disappointing.

- (AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES) - (SIGHS)

He seems... Oh. A sneeze made the TV show.

- There you go. - (LAUGHTER)

You'll be able to watch. You'll be like, "That was my sneeze!"

How cool's that? It's all in the show. That's the good bit.

Yeah.

Bloody Turnbull.

One thing... I think he seems favourable about renewable energy.

That's the only positive I can take.

At least he believes in climate change. That's something.

Because I like renewable energy. There are people who don't like it.

I don't get it. Like, how could you not like renewable anything?

"Oh, yeah, I don't like renewable beer. That's bullshit.

"I don't want to put my glass in the sun, get a brand-new one for free.

"That is green, left bullshit!

"I want to dig my beer out of the ground.

"I want it to take a long time, and I want it to be dirty.

"And I want it to run out!"

I like wind turbines. I do. I really like them.

When I see them on the horizon, it warms my heart.

I like seeing them there, just...

There's always one not spinning. Have you noticed that?

There's always one going, "Fuck it. No."

"Fuck it. No."

All the others are spinning freely in the breeze and that one's not.

That means it's making an active effort not to spin.

It's got its brakes on. It's actually going, "Fuck it. No!

"I'm not doing this for fuckin' anyone."

That's Tony Abbott.

Turnbull's next to him, fuckin' the same.

"I want to spend but my party said that I can't."

I actually got solar panels put on the roof of my house.

And I'm... I'm really excited about it.

And it's hard. It's hard to do material about it.

- Um... - (LAUGHTER)

You know what I mean? 'Cause comedy's supposed to be relatable.

Like, you're all supposed to look at me

and think, "Wow, he's just like us."

But I own a house. And, um...

And some of you never will.

I actually own two houses. I toned it down for the gig.

I made it one house so I would seem humble,

but I actually own two,

and, er... but I didn't want to rub your noses in it

and lose the crowd early.

It's hard doing material about investment properties.

You know what I mean? You can really lose a crowd.

It's a real risky manoeuvre. You know, it's early in the show.

You're like, "Oh, you know what it's like

"when your tenants are giving you the shits

"so you want to put the rent up so they'll move out?

- "Who's with me?" Like, it's... - (LAUGHTER)

"You know what it's like when you invest in a property

"and you want to negatively gear it, you accidently positively gear it,

"so you're turning over a profit instead of getting the tax deduction?

"What the fuck's going on with that?"

Anyway, I own... I own two houses...

..and I put solar panels on them.

But what happened was the reason why I got solar panels

was I just like the idea of sun landing on the roof

and getting power for free.

And the guy wanted to tell me how it worked.

Like, he was going to explain it all.

And I'm like, "I don't want to talk about it.

"Just put 'em on. I'll work it out later."

And I got my first power bill

and it turns out it's a fuckin' rip-off, right?

It's... Like, this is what happens, right?

This is the way it works.

I buy electricity from Origin, right, for 31 cents per kilowatt hour, OK?

And Origin buys my electricity from my solar panels

for 5 cents a kilowatt hour.

He works for Origin.

"Suck shit, buddy."

So I buy theirs - let's get this right -

for 31 cents, right?