Pawn Shop Chronicles

Need to get the Santa out of here.

Why come?

Number one, it's spring. It's not winter.

- Spring. - So?

Secondly,

you don't even work here.

When are you gonna stop putting all your shit all around

all over the place?

- Third... - Mm-hmm.

...Santa Claus ain't even of African descent.

Oh, yeah, that's it there.

I was waiting for that.

You do realize Santa Claus ain't even a reaI person.

You can make him whatever color you want to.

No. Charlie Brown ain't real.

Charlie Brown real?

Well, hell, no.

Well, you ain't gonna draw a picture

of a little black kid, round head,

curly-squiggly hair

and call him a "Peanuts" comic.

Well, you could if you wanted to.

Well, you could physically, but you can't.

Yes, you could.

All right, fine. You could.

But you gotta get rid of the damn Santa.

And I got news for you, too.

If some black man came down my chimney wearing a red jogging suit,

I'd blow a hole right through his red hat.

How's that-

What?

Oh, no, no. No, no, man.

I just need a loan on my shotgun.

Well- honest.

What- what's wrong with you kids?

Coming into a man place of business pointing a shotgun at people.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause no fuss.

You know the pawn shop business is a dangerous game.

Damn right.

My brother, he move out West, opened a pawn shop.

- Found him in the basement, dead. - I remember that.

Oh, yeah? What happened to him?

I'd rather not talk about it.

You're lucky...

I didn't blow a hole through your head.

Well, how was you gonna do that with your hands up in the air?

Shut up.

Give me the gun.

Well, I'll give you 20.

Oh, come on, now. Come on.

50.

No.

- 40. - No.

- 30? - Nope.

25.

- No. - Come on, man. Shit.

Well, all right.

Hey.

Whoo!

Hey, man, is Vern there yet?

No, he late.

Hey, where you at, man?

Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute.

You just keep his ass there, huh?

Well, could you hurry up, please?

'Cause I've been up for three days since we smoked that shit

and I'm beginning to hallucinate, man.

Ah! God!

On my way here,

when I was driving in, I saw the King, man.

I swear I saw Elvis walking through town square.

Huh?

I can't be robbing no people when I'm fucked up like this, man.

Hey.

Quit being a pussy. I'll be there in a minute, all right?

You just keep Vernon there 'cause I'm gonna fuck his ass up.

Shit!

Jesus Christ, man. Thank God, man.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I had to pawn my shotgun to get gas money.

Man, how the hell we gonna rob Stanley without a shotgun?

- Well, how was I supposed to get here? - You stupid fuck!

How was I supposed to get here without gas?

I would've come and picked you up, dumbass.

Listen, don't you think this whole robbing Stanley thing is stupid anyway?

And why the fuck we gotta meet out in this field?

You are so fucking stupid, man.

'Cause it's top secret shit, that's why!

So fields is the place for top secret meetings, huh?

Why are you so damn worried about the gun anyhow?

There's three of us and only one of him.

We just go in there, we beat him down,

we take the meth, we get out of there.

- It's easy. - You're so stupid, man.

- What? - The guy is a fucking geeked-out,

hillbilly, drug-cooking, dumb shit.

You don't think he has a fucking arsenal of weapons

laying around his fucking house?

You don't think he ain't got his head out the window every five minutes

peeking 'round to see what the fuck's going on?

You know this shit fucking makes you paranoid, man.

Speaking of dope, man, you got any on you?

Hell, no.

That dickhead at the pawn shop only gave me 20 on the gun.

So I only got enough for gas-

What the fuck, man?!

Shit!

What the fuck, man?

That son of a bitch stole $80 out of my sock drawer.

- No, he didn't. - Bullshit!

Randy, he didn't fucking take shit.

- Vern didn't steal anything, man. - How the fuck do you know?

Because he just pawned the goddamn shotgun

so he could put some fucking gas in his car, man.

And he didn't have no meth, either.

So clearly, he ain't got no extra cash.

Huh.

Well, shit.

Wait,

he pawned the shotgun?

How the fuck are we supposed to rob Stanley?

I don't know, Randy.

Fuck, man, why you gotta go and run Vernon over?

I mean, shit, what makes you think he stole it in the first place?

Lamar told me he took it.

- Oh, Lamar did. - Mm-hmm.

You mean the crackhead?

You mean that lying, fucking cheating thief?

That Lamar?

You stupid fuck! He gets his hair cut at Cook's!

- He said he seen Vernon take it. - That don't mean shit, man!

I mean, Jesus Christ! You fucking-

you ran fucking Vernon's ass over, man.

You could've fucking asked him first.

What the fuck?

Instead you trust some dude's word

with the name of fucking "stinky nuts. "

Made sense at the time, all right?

Man, we gotta do something.

We gotta take him to a hospital or something.

This gurgling shit, this ain't normal, man.

I ain't taking his ass nowhere and getting locked up.

He's okay.

- Well, we can't just leave him here. - Move.

See? He's fine.

Let's go get my money from Lamar.

Good afternoon. I'm Connie Swanson.

And I'm here with a man who helps save lives by day

and is the King by night.

- Hi. - Meet Ricky Baldoski.

He's a volunteer emergency medical service technician by day

and, as you can probably guess,

does Elvis tribute shows by night.

- That's right. I'm Ricky Baldoski. - Yes.

Tell us who some of your big influences are, Ricky.

Well, definitely.

The King, um, King, and the King.

- KKK all the way. - You can catch Ricky...

- Wait, no- - ... this weekend

performing his tribute performance to the King.

God bless America!

...Irwin County Fair.

Back to you, Michael.

Lamar!

You lying bastard.

Vern didn't steal my money, you did.

No, I didn't.

Bullshit.

I know it was you 'cause it sure as hell wasn't Vernon

and you're the one who lied.

Oh. Oh, man.

I guess it was me, man.

What the-

I fucking knew it.

You give me my money, you Iying piece of shit.

- I don't have it. - What?

Where is it? Where is it?

It's in the air, man. I smoked it up.

$80 since this morning? What the fuck?!

We gonna kick your ass, Lamar.

We gonna fuck you up good.

'Cause of you, old Vern got killed.

And that shit ain't cool, man.

There's getting high

and there's getting a brother fucking ran over!

God damn it, bro! Kick his ass!

I oughta kick your fucking ass, Lamar.

Randy, don't, man.

You got a gun, huh?

- Huh? - No.

- We need a gun. - Hey, hey, we could ask Don.

Don will have a gun.

Yeah.

Maybe.

We gonna go get the gun and we gonna come back and shoot you.

- Right? - Don't you steal shit while I'm gone.

Okay?

Okay.

Is that my Styx CD in your pants?

- Huh? - God damn it. Yeah.