Divorce

- Hi. - Hi.

Quick question...

did you hear me knocking 20 minutes ago?

Yeah, but I was doing my thing.

Oh, okay.

Well, Lila was downstairs

doing her thing in the bathroom.

Right.

So...

I was forced to take a shit

in this coffee can in the garage.

- Just wanted you to know. - Okay.

While I may or may not have taken a shit in this coffee can,

the point is well-made.

Equal time in the bathroom.

- All right. - Please.

Yep.

Happy birthday!

You're late, but you haven't missed shit.

Hey, turn the music up, for Christ's sake!

Turn it up!

- (SQUEALING) - Birthday girl.

- Mm! So gorgeous! - Oh!

- Robert! - Diane.

- Mm-wah, mm-wah, mm-wah! - Happy birthday.

Nick! Excuse me.

He's invited a bunch of cocks I don't even know.

I wanna fucking kill myself.

Turn the music up. Come on!

- Frances. - Hello.

I'd offer you some wine,

but I think Diane's already sucked most of it up.

- (SNICKERS) - Come on, I'll get you a real drink.

Yes, that's very funny.

- (MUSIC PLAYING) Let me tell you something.

- Mm-hmm. - Vision, we're good.

- The vision, 20-20 right here. - Mm.

The problem is the financing.

Hey, Dallas, I saw your ex's new lady

at the CVS yesterday.

Good news for you is she has really packed on the pounds.

Boy, he was mis-sold those goods.

- She's five months pregnant. - I forgot.

Speaking of new loves,

uh, who was the gentleman bending your ear over there?

Oh, that human loaf of bread?

Oh, that's Malcolm.

He's a hedge fund friend of Nick's.

He lost his wife last year. Poor guy.

Oh, gee, I didn't know.

He only told me 50 fucking times.

So when does the whole empathy thing kick in for you?

I did take the liberty of seating him next to you tonight at dinner,

so who knows how this evening will end?

I think it just did.

Fuck it.

To Malcolm and his dead wife.

I think her name was Alice.

We don't have the financing,

but... oh.

- But, um... (GROANS) - (SKIN SIZZLES)

God, oh. Mm.

Mm. That, um...

that smarts when you put your fingers in the fondue.

Oh, my God, that's so funny!

Where's Beatrice?

She's usually pressing her wet ass against my shin by now.

She died last week.

- Really? - Mm.

Oh. How old was she?

- 24. - Well, I mean, that's...

that's too old for a dog.

Aren't you gonna ask me what she died of?

Please don't tell me she backed up

her weeping butthole into an outlet.

No, she was seriously depressed. That's why she died.

She couldn't handle the atmosphere in the house,

so she choked herself to death with her leash.

- No. - She did.

She left a little note...

- Sorry. - ...saying how much she didn't like...

Nick.

Did you see how much weight he's put on?

No, I hadn't really.

He did it on purpose.

It was 100% just to revolt me.

Go on, keep spooning it in, you fat fuck.

Look at him.

Who am I looking at now?

Robert.

We have a big empty building, so...

God, he's such a... blech...

wet pussy.

A little toast, I think,

could be in order.

Diane hates it when I make a speech or talk,

so I thought I would just quickly say

happy birthday, sweetheart.

Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Diane.

Aw.

She doesn't like 50, do you, sweetheart?

But, you know, I think we can all agree

that Diane has never looked her age...

till this year, sadly,

when it all just kind of came crashing down on her.

It's a joke.

I'm joking. You know I'm joking.

She looks amazing.

You look amazing, sweetheart.

One of the many benefits

- of not bearing any children... - (WOMAN GASPS)

which is, of course, your biological function.

Now, there's one more thing,

one little, uh, birthday surprise for you.

Ilona! God, she is so hard to shop for.

Ilona! Oh, I hope I got the right thing.

Ilona! Come on.

Put your back into it.

That's Hannah. Look at that little sweetie.

I'm sorry, Mr. Nick.

Ay, she's shy. Come on.

Cheers, everybody! Happy birthday, darling.

Cheers! - Bastard.

- (MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING) - (PEOPLE LAUGHING)

She's very, um, youthful...

...and inspiring.

She inspires me.

Do you know how obscene you look right now?

Diane, I'm talking to you.

Do you know how fucking ridiculous you look?

God damn it. Do you know what makes it obscene?

The fact that you don't know how to dance at your age.

Well, stop acting like such a goddamn child.

You just wanna punish me. All you ever do is criticize me.

- I just want you to... - I'm so fucking sick of it!

You're fucking 50 years old, for God's sake.

Good! - You're making a fucking spectacle...

Will you fucking settle down?

Hey, where are you going?

Don't make a scene like that

and then run out of the goddamn room!

I was exercising my biological function!

- Stop following me! - I'm trying to have a discussion with you,

for God's sake! What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

What, are you gonna write a letter?

What the hell are you doing? What are you looking for?

Get away from me!

- Get out of here! - I'm not going anywhere!

Then I'll go! Fine!

- Just settle down. - Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!

- Fucking fuck out! - What the hell?

Oh, hey, now, you put that away.

Put that away. Put it away before somebody gets hurt!

- Diane. - Oh, is that what you want, huh?

Would you want me hurt? Isn't that what you want?

- No, you should just... - You fucking asshole!

You wanna smoke me out of here!

- Don't point that thing! - Diane, Diane! Is that a gun?!

- Are you pointing an actual... ah! - Nick, is everything cool?

- Oh, shit! - (GUNSHOT)

- Holy shit! - (GROANING) Oh, God.

Oh, shit!

- (GROANING) - I'm hit! My God!

- I'm sorry, Robert. I'm so sorry, Robert! - I know I've been hit.

- That was an accident! - I've been shot by a gun.

- No one shot you, Robert. I'm so sorry!

Really? Frances, I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God. Nick. Nick!

Nick! Nick, are you all right? - (GROANING)

What is happening? What's happening?

I don't know. Call a fucking ambulance.

- I think he's having a heart attack. - I'll call an ambulance.

Nick. Nick.

Maybe you should just let him sleep this off.

- Who are you? - We met at dinner.

Hello. Hi, there's been an accident.

- Oh, God, I don't... Nick, can you hear me?

What's the add... does anyone know the address here?

Just try to relax.

- (SIREN WAILING) - (POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened.

It's gonna be okay. Don't worry.

So nice of you to come to the party.

I just have to go down to the station for a quick little Q and A,

but I'll be back, so make yourselves at home.

Don't bust up the party 'cause of me.

Well, there's plenty of food for everybody if you want food.

You're so skinny. Get a little piece of cheesecake.

- All right. - Frances!

Open champagne.

But don't be too loud 'cause our neighbors... so strict.

They'll call the police, so don't...

I'll be back. I just gotta go to the station for a second.

You shitting me? Stop it.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened.

She nearly killed me.

I mean, if I was two or three inches to the right,

it would've gone right through my face.

Phew, that was a close call.