Heroines (Héroïnes)

Ai-ya, no birth is easy.

Everyone thinks Baby Number 3 will be quick,

because the lady is already "stretched out".

This is my mother.

But I still remember your head pushing out.

Like someone cutting me with a knife!

For as long as I remember, she has been... inappropriate.

Stab stab stab, right into Mummy's vee-vee.

For a long time, I thought Mum didn't fit in because she was Chinese.

Then I realised... it's just Mum.

Ben, can you imagine

squeezing a lemon out of your penis hole?

- Can I blow out the candles now? - So much pain...

This is why kids should always thank their mummies on their birthday.

But when you plop out,

I was so happy.

You came out so cute!

Where's your dad?

I'm making a wish.

Ah-Ben, growing up!

Fried ice-cream cake. New invention for the birthday boy.

Guys!

We can eat them both.

Mum and Dad weren't always like this.

Then, I guess it's not easy raising five kids in a foreign country.

People said they were crazy for having this many children.

But as Mum says, what family isn't crazy?

Right?

My name is Benjamin Law and this my family.

Shut up!

Ben!

Ow!

How am I supposed to win if I don't practise, Humphrey?

The talent show's on Friday.

Ben!!

Dad's back on the couch.

He probably just fell asleep watching Chinese soaps again.

No, they had another fight.

See?

Just give them space.

Space? All Mum complains about is how Dad's never here for anything.

You know, if Dad came to the talent show for once...

Actually, Ben...

about that...

I don't think I can make it either.

What? Why?

I've got something amazing planned.

- Schoolies. - What's Schoolies?

Schoolies is where Year 12s party and contract unwanted diseases.

Your words.

Ow!

79...

80...

81...

82...

- Michelle has worms. - No, I don't!

- Why are you scratching, then? - Cheek or hole?

Cheek.

That's okay.

But you've never missed a show. Who's going to do my make-up?

- You always redo it anyway. - Why bother? You lose every time.

- Hey... - I was runner-up last year!

You're going now?

- Andrew, go help your sister. - No! I mean, I'm fine.

And Ben... you're going to be great.

If she doesn't have to go, I don't.

If I have to watch that fat girl play bongos again...

Her name is Stacey McCann and she has a thyroid problem.

- Everybody's going, okay? - Except Candy.

Be careful. And remember... no ring, no ding-ding.

Oh, Mum! Jesus!

Oh, Ben. It's okay, you can still win.

Because I have such a supportive family...

who believes in me!

- Drama queen. - What's that?

These are the Thomsons.

When Heidi and Klaus aren't on ski holidays,

they're modelling for their parents' organic garment empire.

Last year, they were nominated for Young Australians of the Year,

for building a school for AIDS orphans.

They're awful.

Friday's the busiest night of the week.

Isn't that why you have staff?

It's Ben's Annual Variety Gala Showcase.

Remember when he was dressed as a singing cat? What was that about?

When he lost last time, he cried for a week.

He was runner-up! He's doing it for us.

Why is Candy even going to Schoolies anyway?

Last year, I heard Kristy Ronson woke up naked

in a waterbed full of men she didn't even know.

Doesn't sound too bad.

The waterbed part, I mean. Never mind.

This is the most important cultural event of the year.

If we win, we get our photo in the Sunshine Coast Daily.

You can't buy that sort of publicity, Melissa.

- Actually, guys... - I'm adding early morning rehearsals.

I don't care if our lips bleed if it means we get to beat Klaus.

Hey, morning, guys!

- Hello, Klaus. - You guys going to this year's show?

Last year's was so awesome! So awesome.

I still can't believe we won.

Heidi and I only entered because Mr Mallory asked us to.

Yeah, wow, cool story.

Hey, you guys should enter too!

- We already have. - We'll think about it.

See you guys in class.

See you in hell.

Yeah, Ben, about the talent show...

Costume-wise, we're doing the fittings at my place.

- It's just... - What, Troy?

Mum threw Dad out. We're moving closer to my grandparents.

We leave tomorrow.

But the talent show's this Friday!

I mean... all of this is horrible.

Really horrible, Troy.

But there's no chance your parents will get back together?

Good work, Troy's mum! Don't just ruin your son's life.

Ruin the most acclaimed woodwind ensemble on the Coast while you're at it.

Maybe we could do it. As a couple.

Wait, that came out wrong.

All of our songs are for woodwind trios.

If we don't find someone else, we'll never destroy Klaus.

Didn't you say it's not about winning?

That participating in itself is a worthwhile experience?

Melissa, I made that up. Judges love hearing that crap.

We need posters.

Jenny!

Hey, Jenny!

- Jenny! - Hey, Jenny!

Says it's declined.

No, no, no. It's just the bank.

Still declined.

- Ai-ya, let me! - Let me, let me!

Platinum member.

You take half and I'll take half.

You're much better at this legwork.

So to speak.

You start at the quadrangle and I'll do the stadium.

Ben...

Melissa, they're just pigeons.

I've told you about my ornithophobia.

Yeah, some ibis attacked your eyeball or something.

It's like the birds follow me everywhere... watching me.

I'm never safe.

Mum, he just forgot. He's busy.

So typical!