United States of Al

Morning.Good morning, Mr. Art.

What ya making?

Shir berenj.

Yum!

What is it?

It is rice pudding.

I am bringing it to all the neighbors

so I can get to know them.

Ah, there's nothing to know.

House next to us this way

is, uh, Gene Reynolds.

Gene borrowed my drill three years ago,

and then claimed he didn't.

One day, I hear him using it, so I bolt over there

and he has the stones to tell me it's a different drill,

like I don't know the sound of my own drill.

Maybe I will start across the street.

Bob and Jill Munson.

Tell them to mow their lawn.

I was hoping to be friendly with them.

Well, fine, give 'em a big smile

and tell 'em to mow their lawn.

I will start with a smile, and take it from there.

All right.

Just be prepared for people

to think it's a little weird you showing up

on their doorstep with a bowl of rice pudding.

Any pudding really.

It is not weird.

They will like me and they will like my pudding.

I hope you're right.

But just in case,

here, wear this.

Oh.

Thank you.

Don't take it off.

Hello, my name is Al.

Hmm.

So, I just wanted to introduce myself.

And share some rice pudding.

How much?

Uh, how much what?

Money for the pudding.

No, no, sir. It is a gift.

Thanks.

It was lovely to meet you!

Hello, little girl.

Would you like some rice pudding?

Mom, there's a weirdo at the door!

Are you here to fix the TV?

Actually, I am your neighbor and my name is Al.

I live in Mr. Art's house.

Oh, that's so nice.

I brought some rice pudding.

I love rice pudding.

Do you want to come in?

I would really like that.

Thank you.

The TV is over there.

Hello, Mr. Art.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Taking this old clock apart.

Is it broken?

It is now.

I'd ask you how things went out there, but, uh, I think I know.

It was so strange.

I thought everyone would invite me in.

I thought I knew how to fix a clock.

In Afghanistan, when you move into a neighborhood,

people bring you food because they want to know

who you are, where you come from, what you do.

Nobody here asked me that.

Yeah, sorry, pal.

I knocked on so many doors and the only person

who answered was Mrs. Foster.

Do you know she lives all by herself?

Yeah, Bill died three years ago.

Got to remember to send a card.

Her son lives just one town over,

but he never visits or calls.

Yeah, he's a jerk.

Used to call me Mr. Fart.

Like I never heard that before.

Kids are the worst.

It is very sad.

Back home, an old woman would never live by herself.

Oh, morning.

You just coming home?

Yeah, I met someone and...

you know...We know.

I don't know.You don't want to know.

No, you don't.

Ooh, sheer berenj, huh?

Hey, don't worry about Mrs. Foster.

She's gonna be fine.

We watched a lot of true crime shows.

Now that I think about it,

maybe she should not have let me in her house.

I could have been the Tallahassee Strangler.

Ooh, that was a good episode. Mm.

Yeah, I wish I had something I like doing

as much as that guy liked strangling.

Is this what my life is going to be like in this country?

If I have children, will they abandon me?

Oh, not always.

Sometimes they move back into your garage

that was going to be your media room, and never leave.

Dad, come on. This is about Al.

Go on.

Oh, what time is it?

5:30. Go back to sleep.

Are you praying?

Yes. But I will be very quiet.

Allahu Akbar.

Well, this is new.

No, it is not. I pray all the time.

Al, I lived with you for years, and never saw you pray.

Well, I am praying now.

Why?

Oh. Did you do something bad?

Stop interrupting me.

Do you know who interrupts the work of God? The devil.

: Oh. Geez.

Okay. Fine.

Allahu Akbar.

Are you sure nothing's wrong?

Yes. I just thought maybe I should pray more.

And you couldn't start with the noon prayer?

Had to be the crack-of-dawn one?

Riley, I don't interrupt you

when you search the Web for pornography.

Don't interrupt me now.

Hey, I don't search for porn.

I know where it is.

Allahu...

You know, if this was you, you'd keep bothering me

until I told you.

All right, fine.

I am feeling homesick.

And I thought prayer would help.

I get that.

That's how I felt when I was first deployed.

I remember.

But instead of praying, you just complained.

Maybe that's how I pray.

Well, then, you are the most religious man I have ever met.

Amen.

Go back to sleep.

Allahu...Put in a good word for me.

I will if you'd just shut up.

Ah, there you are.

Ready to get started?

Get started with what?

Here. Put these on.

Why?

So we can do a little boxing.

Again, why?

We're gonna fire up those endorphins.

It's a sure cure for homesickness. Come on.

I don't want to fight you.

How about now?

How about now?

Riley, you spilled my tea!

Oh, no! What you gonna do about it?

This is a bad idea. Why?

Because I will lose!

Oh, with that attitude, you will.

No, with this body, I will.

Fight me, or I'll call your sister names.

Okay, that's it.

Yeah, man, this is my therapy.

When I get mad, I do this.

a little of that.

When I don't know how to feel...

a little bit of that.Ah.

Fine. If you insist, I will give it a try.

All right, step into my office.

Here we go. Show me what you got.

Harder.

Harder!

I don't want to hurt you.

Oh, you're serious?

Now I kind of want to hurt you.

Well, good. Come on, then,

you punk-ass, sad little string bean. Let's go!

There it is.

You know, I never missed Vanessa when I was on patrol.

No room in my head. Too busy trying to stay alive.

But you missed her when you were on base?

Oh, yeah. That was the worst.

Now look at you, huh?Mm.

Sleeping with women you don't love.

Hey, fists not words.