Starter for 10

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be clever.

Some people are born clever the same way some people are born beautiful.

I'm not one of those people. I've had to work at it.

If there's a question, I have to know the right answer.

Crystalline or glassy in appearance, which of the three principal classes of rock

is formed by the cooling of molten earth material?

What do you reckon, Brian?

Volcanic.

- Is it igneous? - Igneous is correct.

That was nearly right.

Derived from the Greek words for wing and finger,

what name is given to a flying lizard of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods?

Pterodactyl.

- Cronin, Oxford. - Is it a Pterodactyl?

- Pterodactyl is correct. - Yes!

Clever little thing, aren't you?

As Francis Bacon once said, knowledge is power.

Which is why I want to know everything.

I want to know about Plato and Newton, Tolstoy and Bob Dylan.

What the words "dialectic" and "peripatetic" mean.

I want to know why people actually like jazz.

If I'm going to find the answers,

I need to be in a place where people have a passion for knowledge,

think it's important. Sacred, even.

That's why I hope you'll accept my application to this university.

So, was that the correct answer?

Well, it's not really a question of correct or incorrect, but it's certainly been...

entertaining.

I think that's everything, Brian.

Thank you.

We'll see you in October, Mr Jackson.

Yes!

So this is it. I made it.

Of course, there are going to be some pretty big changes.

Leaving home, moving to a new city away from people I've known all my life

and friends who've always supported me.

You're not gonna turn into a wanker, are you?

What?

I mean, you're not gonna get all poncey, start saying, "One does"

and wearing a cloak and talking Latin.

Yes, Tone. That's exactly what's gonna happen.

- Let's get out of here. - All right.

Oi, slow down.

Why do we always have to listen to this?

- Because... - Because what?

- 'Cause it's Motörhead. - And?

And the Head rule.

Because you say so?

'Cause it's my ghetto blaster.

- Which ghetto is that, then, Tone? - It's Westcliff on Sea.

Yeah, good one, Bri.

Tell you what, why don't you stick on a bit of Kate Bush, yeah?

We'll have a really good dance, listening to Kate Bush, yeah?

We'll have a really good time, we'll listen to Kate Bush, have a great dance, yeah?

Bloody hell, Spencer!

I did this for you.

Trick your new mates into thinking you got some taste.

Cheers, Spence. That's amazing.

It's only a tape, bro. There's no need to get all gay about it.

So, you think you will retake your exams or...

- Oh, don't start. - Start what?

The careers guidance.

- I think it's a waste, that's all. - Fuck off, it's waste.

Sitting on your arse for three years reading poems, that's a waste.

It's not just about that.

It's about life experience.

Expanding your mind, grappling with the big questions.

- Making exciting new friends. - As opposed to boring old ones?

- I didn't say that, did I? - I'm fine as I am, thanks, Brian.

Besides, there's always Tone to debate the weighty issues of the day.

Never get that again. Thanks, mate.

- Best tape I ever made... - Let's get him.

...in the sea. What?

No. Hang on. What...

- Let's get him! - Right!

That's it!

Spencer! Take it easy.

- Is that what you're wearing? - You don't mind, do you?

No. No, no, of course not.

No, it's very smart.

- Now, bread, do you need bread? - I'll get bread there.

- Chip pan? - I'll miss the train, Mum.

- Don't drink too much. - I won't if you won't.

And don't be cheeky.

Now, you sure you don't want me to walk you to the station?

Mum, I'm all right. Honestly.

- Here, take this. - No.

- No, you can't afford it, Mum. - Just take it.

Try to eat a piece of fresh fruit every now and then.

He'd have been so proud of you.

Yes!

Take that!

Hi there. I'm your housemate, Brian Jackson.

Hello, Brian Jackson.

- I'm Josh, this is Marcus. - Hello.

Hello.

Want me to show you to your quarters?

Yeah.

Hope you don't mind but we allocated the rooms.

- Bit small, isn't it? - Yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, we'll leave you to get ready for the party, then.

Party?

Tarts and vicars.

You are coming?

Oh, actually.

I think I'm gonna stay here.

Unpack and do some reading.

Right. I'll purchase the alcoholic beverages.

You got any money, Barry?

Any cash? It's just, I don't have any pockets.

Okay.

- Cheers, squire. - Ta-ta.

- I just got back from India. - Oh, right.

Amazing experience.

Transformed me in ways I never could have imagined.

Such as?

Do you use toilet paper?

Well, now and then.

Not cool, you know.

Terrible for the environment.

So...

how do you... you know?

I use my hand,

and a bucket of water.

You should try it sometime.

Sorry, I've just seen somebody I know.

All right.

Hi. Do you mind if I pretend to know you.

Has he been asking you about toilet paper?

It's uncool, apparently.

Yeah, well, so is gastroenteritis.

The ironic thing is, I actually am a vicar.

So what'd you come as?

A normal person.

You could at least have come as a vicar.

- Except I'm Jewish. - Really?

Wow. I've never met a Jew before.

Not properly, anyway.

Which is strange, really, because loads of my heroes are Jewish.

Woody Allen, Marx, Einstein, Dustin Hoffman.

- Jesus. - Jesus, Freud, Kubrick.

Yeah. God, there certainly have been some amazing Jews.

My people thank you.

- Here you go, squire. - Don't waste any time, do you, Barry?

Nice work, Barry.

Was there any change?

Sorry.

Well, nice talking to you, Barry.

Actually, it's Brian.

- But he just called you Barry. - Yeah, he did.

What, you didn't correct him?

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Rebecca. Rebecca Epstein.

Rebecca Epstein.

That's a Jewish name, isn't it?

Shalom, Brian.

Right, absolutely.

Bring it on!

I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me. What's the hurry?

- Rebecca. - Right.

Come to our demonstration.

Can't stop. I've got an important meeting.

Oh, right. More important than the struggle against apartheid?

Listen, I'm really, really interested in this. It's just that I'm late.

Yeah, I know.

Contemporary Jewish studies.

Oh, sorry.

Halt.

- Hi, I'm here for the... - Fingers on buzzers, first question.

- What's that in your hand? - It's a poster.

And why is it in your hand rather than on the wall

where everyone can see it?

Never mind. Fill this in, will you?

- Anyone else waiting out there? - I don't think so. No.

Really? Bugger.

- Subject? - English literature.

But I'm pretty good on sciences.

Newton's Third Law of Motion?

Reaction is equal and opposite to action.

Take a seat, please.

Anywhere?

Right. Let's get started then, shall we?

I'm sorry there aren't more of us.

It seems that vandals have been tearing down the posters.

I'm Patrick Watts from Ashton-under-Lyne.

I'm reading mechanical engineering.

Some of you may recognise me from last year's TV tournament.

Once again I'll be captaining this year's team.

- Why? - Sorry?

If we lost last year, why are you still the captain?

Well, because I'm a post-grad and I've been captain for the last three years.

Yeah, we've lost for the last three years.

Look, let's just crack on, shall we?

In order to qualify, you'll need to answer 30 questions in 30 minutes.

And the top three scores join me, the captain, in this year's team.

I have some lively little questions in there,

so I think you're in for a pretty good time.

But it is against the clock. So, people, if you're ready.