The Inbetweeners

The Inbetweeners 1x4 Girlfriend

It was a typical Saturday night in suburbia,

and Wendy's party was the kind of shit party

that happened most weekends.

Her parents were upstairs, waiting for the house to be trashed.

They'd be down at 11:30 anyway, to turf us all out.

We were downstairs,

bored senseless and wondering how we'd ever get laid.

And anyone who is in any way cool was somewhere else.

Can you get off the arm rest, please?

Although it was nice of you to invite me,

this doesn't seem like a very cool party.

I'm sorry. Did you cancel a night out with Paris Hilton to be here?

Do you have any more beer?

I think there's a box of my dad's small beers left. Don't drink it all

cos Charlotte Hinchcliffe and her mates will be here soon.

Yeah, right, like she's gonna come.

- Why wouldn't she come? - She's fit and popular,

- therefore she won't be coming. - Who won't be coming?

- Charlotte Hinchcliffe. - I'd make her come...

All over my face!

She has to get special bras made because not only are her tits so big,

but they are perfectly round.

Like porn star tits.

And she's a slag. She once munched off the whole rugby team.

- Can that be true? - No word of a lie.

- I heard that. - Our school doesn't have a rugby team.

- It was another school. - Which one?

It happened.

You should be able to tell me where it happened.

- Ask her yourself when she gets here. - Except she won't be here!

- Jay, I'm off, mate. See you soon. - All right then, mate.

- Who was that? - Just a friend.

You've made a new friend?

Oh, a friend! Since when have you had other friends?

Oh, a friend!

I knew him from when we were doing trials at West Ham.

He's moved into the area. He's just some guy.

- Some guy! - Oh, he's just some guy.

- Oh, he's just some guy. - That's all it is.

Just a friend from when Jay had trials at West Ham... That never happened.

- Don't forget the thumbs up. - Oh, friend! Oh, new friend.

- Friend! - Please be my friend.

- Oh, friend. - Oh, friend.

Fuck you lot. Where's the beer?

- We're out. - I'm going to the loo.

What, for a wank? You wanker.

Friend!

See if you can find some more beer on the way back.

Check the washing machine. That's where I'd hide it.

No-one ever puts any in the fridge.

Fucking hell, she has turned up.

This is now officially the coolest party we have ever been to.

Try and look at cool, then.

As expected, the kitchen was a booze-free zone.

Apart from one small beer in the washing machine,

which was presumably Neil's.

I assumed there wouldn't be any in the fridge, but what the hell.

And to my surprise, I hit the jackpot!

Think you've got my champagne.

God.

Sorry.

You've opened it now, you might as well grab a glass.

Right, yes.

Thanks. Sorry.

Did you know the original champagne glass

is said to be modelled on Marie Antoinette's breast?

Do you always start off a conversation by talking about breasts?

No... How has it gone?

- Quite badly. - Right.

She's amazing.

- Who? - That girl.

Her eyes are beautiful.

You get weird around girls, like a stalker.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

Where's that muppet with our drinks?

I haven't told my old friends I've joined a state comprehensive yet.

They think I'm here doing voluntary work for Unicef.

You pretentious twat!

- Did you get us any beers? - Hi, Jay.

If you really want a laugh, you should come and chat with me.

- I'm about 50 times funnier than him. - Is he for real?

- Regrettably, yes. - I'm totally for real.

- Everybody knows I'm funnier. - Even you'd say so, wouldn't you?

- Well, no, not really. - All right, funny boy, make me laugh.

Without undressing.

Crazy frog.

If Will ever stops being funny, I'll let you know. Come on, you.

- What the hell is going on? - Fuck knows.

Her and her mates must be having a snog a twat competition.

That can't be happening, else someone would have claimed you.

This is brilliant news.

How is will getting off with Charlotte Big Jugs brilliant news?

It means things really have changed.

Girls might be about to notice us for who we actually are.

You're fucked, because you're a twat.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

I thought she was seeing someone in our year.

I heard she was seeing Donovan.

No, who is it?

Is it Donovan, Neil? Cos he's a nutter and we should warn Will.

It's someone.

- Is it Donovan? - I can't think.

Let me think.

That guy...

What's his name?

This isn't a practical joke, is it?

Because if it is, then I'm... I'm fine with that.

It would be nice to know so we can have a laugh about it,

at my expense, and then... get on with our lives.

No, it's not a practical joke.

Great, sure, no. Didn't think it was.

- I liked that kiss. - So did I.

And if you're lucky, you might get more.

Oh, my God, sex?

I'm not gonna have sex with you, Will!

No, no, of course not.

How about we...

don't have sex in here?

All right.

- Was it Donovan, Neil? - I'm trying to think who it was.

- Yeah, it was Donovan. - You fucking idiot.

- Will's dead. - Shit, we should do something.

After he gets beaten up, we could take him to hospital.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Right, don't say anything.

- All right? - Yep, yep. Yeah, I'm all right.

I heard your mate is with Charlotte.

- Dunno. Don't think so. - Yeah, they're upstairs.

Cheers.

What?

- So sorry, Mr and Mrs Dean. - That's OK, Mark.

Hope you're having a nice time.

- The loo's on the left. - Thank you very much.

- What are you doing here? - I came to see you. Leave.

No, stay.

Mark, it's finished. Now, please go.

I'm not leaving till you tell me it's over and you mean it.

It's over and I mean it.

- I think you should leave. - What, you're telling me to leave?

- Yes. - Or what?

- Don't hit him. Just go. - Or what?

Mark, please. For me.

Just go.

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

All right, I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Good, cos I was gonna call Wendy's parents,

- and don't think that I won't. - OK, mate, two things, yeah?

One, be nice to her,

because she is kind and fragile and gentle,

not like people think.

And two...

If you tell anyone I said that, I will kill you.

I will kill you!

What a dickhead!

Fucking hell, he's leaving.

No screams and he's not covered in blood.

- Will must have got away with it. - Or Donovan killed them both silently.

She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.

She's only looking to see if you've stopped staring at her.

- She's still looking. - Because you're freaking her out.

I think we've got a connection.

- Her eyes! Why don't we go over? - No, I don't need to pull.

- I've got a sure thing lined up. - A midweek wank?

I've entered that charity blind date thing at school.

- That's tragic. - That's where you're wrong.

Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date.

So I don't need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.

What if she's feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?

She's fit and she's the year above.

- She'll never go for you. - Look, Will... Will, yeah,

has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe.

Anything could happen tonight. I'm going over.

Go away.

With Simon's humiliation, the party was over,

and some of us had done better than others.

I don't get it. Charlotte Tits could have had me,

and she went for that?

- Come on, then, what did you get? - Well, a gentleman never tells.

- A bender never tells. - Brilliant.

Come on, did you get a chew on her boobies or not?

- I can neither confirm nor deny. - Bender.

Don't listen to them. This is brilliant. Are you seeing her again?

I've got to call her tomorrow. She said we should hook up soon.

Amazing.

And don't tell my dad anything yet. It'll only set him off.

Course.

- Good night? - No, boring.

Will pulled.

Did you, Will? Good work.

Thanks.

When I was your age, I used to love house parties.

Getting off with some bird, one of the upstairs rooms, underneath the coats.

Dad, can we not...?

In fact, I think I met your mum at a house party, Simon.

- Jesus Christ. - She was wild.

And after that, she didn't just like keeping it upstairs.

No, we did it in the kitchen, in the garage...

I think we notched one up in the greenhouse once.

- Stop the car, I'm gonna walk home. - Come on, Simon!