Submission

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Euston College was first founded in the early 1800s

by Elijah Euston,

primarily to educate his six sons and seven daughters.

Why he felt the need to educate them at a college this isolated and inbred

isn't readily available.

As a novelist with one moderately successful book under my belt,

I arrived at this well-paying but lower-tier institution

with wife and child in tow,

the promise of health insurance beckoning.

A short term gig, I thought,

fully expecting my second novel to offer me a reprieve

and save me from obscurity.

That was a decade ago.

I had been touted as an author to watch.

Little did I realize that that christening would turn into my eulogy.

Okay, so what did everybody think?

What did anybody think?

Look at them. They're shell-shocked.

They look like cartoon characters hearing birdies tweet.

What engaged you?

Maybe it's a conspiracy.

Three stories about sex with animals, and the term has just begun.

- Meg, why don't you jump in? - I thought it was disgusting.

Positives first, please.

You can always find something nice to say.

Unless you're a critic. Or my first editor.

His spelling wasn't offensive.

- Up yours. - He wanted something positive.

That was the only positive thing I had to say.

Then again, maybe I should be grateful for any student work

with a shred of vitality and life,

even if it is about bestiality.

That's more than I seem to have at the moment.

Is something wrong, Professor Swenson?

Why do you ask?

You groaned. Twice.

Did I?

Can you blame him?

That part where Danny did what he did to that chicken

was just really, really gross.

I agree with Meg.

I thought the scene in the kitchen came out of nowhere.

Seemed totally bogus.

Okay, so then what would we do

to make it not seem "totally bogus,"

as Carlos says?

Always quote the students, if possible.

Makes them feel like they're being taken seriously.

I'd change the boy's character

so that we know he's the kind of person who'd do something like that.

He should be really pissed at the waitress, so when he goes home...

And here we go.

The quote-unquote "suggestions" that make a bad story worse.

When I first started teaching I'd settle for nothing less

than the whole class falling in love with me.

Now I just want to get through the hour without major psychic damage.

Okay, all right. Okay, so then, does everyone agree with these suggestions?

I think they kinda suck.

All right, Angela.

Will you tell us why you think they "kinda suck"?

I guess I just kind of liked the way that it ended,

that it was so weird and unexpected.

I mean, that's, like, the whole point, isn't it,

that anyone can do something like that?

This guy is getting home from a really shitty date.

He goes home, opens the fridge, sees the chicken and does it.

Right?

Guys are always surprising themselves doing crazy shit like that,

even if they think they're not the kind of guy who would do crazy shit like that.

Most guys would not bone a chicken.

Yeah. I know what most guys would do.

Okay, well, Angela does bring up a good point.

She has a point.

Uh, Ryan doesn't do what he does

because he's a naturally violent person

or because his girlfriend bought chicken and he hates chicken.

It's the rejection that has caused him to do "crazy shit," as Angela says. Right?

Now, we've all been there.

Which is why we can see that he is like us.

Okay. To be continued next week.

Very good. Who's on the hot seat next week?

Wh-Who is it?

Angela. Okay, great.

- So, this will be your first time, right? - Actually...

So we promise to go easy on you.

Don't we?

- No? - Actually, I'm not finished yet.

I, um, was hoping I could come talk to you during your office hours tomorrow.

Yeah. Just remind me when I have office hours.

Tomorrow morning.

Really? I have morning office hours?

I'm more devoted than I thought I was.

That's great.

Then I will see you tomorrow morning in my office during my office hours.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Professor.

All right, good luck. Class dismissed. Get out.

Um, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow.

Looking forward.

Hello?

- Nurse, I need some help. - Shit!

- Sorry. I'm sorry. - You scared me.

- I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, my God.

- Come here. - What are you doing?

- Have a little quickie? - You can't do that.

- Why not? - Because I'm at work.

- So what? We'll say it's therapeutic. - Stop. No.

There's a patient right next door

who's been vomiting nonstop since this morning.

Oh, great. My erection is gone. Our jobs are safe.

He's the fifth kid I've seen today.

Must be something going around.

Well, let's go back home and get under the covers where there are no germs.

We can't. We've got that meeting. Remember?

Shit. Which we're already late for. Let me tell Arlene I'm leaving.

Later though. A thorough checkup. I promise.

Okay.

Good.

I have here a copy of the Euston College policy on sexual harassment.

Every September one receives this in one's mailbox,

along with changes to the health plan and cafeteria hours.

And every September

one immediately tosses it all into the trash.

I know I do, and it's my unfortunate duty to write them.

Such an asshole.

- But I thought we might all... - Shh.

spend a moment or two going over it together.

I had a dream about Ruby last night.

- Oh? - Yeah.

We were driving, and I told her that I'm her father and that I loved her

and that... that I only wanted what was best for her.

What did she say?

She told me that she forgave me,

that she was actually relieved that I broke them up.

Wow. What a wonderful dream.

I know.

And then this huge semi truck came hurtling towards us.

She screamed and I slammed on the brakes.

- And then I woke up. - Oh, God. Maybe not such a wonderful dream.

Call her again.

No. I think she just deletes my messages without even listening to them.

Surprise her. Drive down and take her out for dinner.

I'm sure she could use a good meal.

But someplace within walking distance.

You don't want to take any chances.

Love you.

Me you too.

I'm still up. What are you wearing?

Excuse me?

It's Angela Argo. I'm sorry.

I know you only gave out your phone number for emergencies,

but I think we were supposed to meet at 9:00.

Oh, shit... I-I mean, yes, of course.

- I'll, uh... I'll be there in 15. - Are you sure?

'Cause if you're busy writing or something...

No, no. The writing can wait.

Uh, I will see you in 15. Okay, bye.

Hi.

- Hi. - Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it.

I was kinda liking it, actually.

You know, sitting here, hiding out.

When I was a kid, I'd sit and read under the porch

when I was supposed to be at school.

Oh. Good.

- You're a reader, huh? - Yeah.

Good.

Come on in. I won't bite.

You're reading Jane Eyre? You liking it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love it. It's cool.

I love that she's in this mad rage the whole time.

Then she finally gets to marry the blind guy who's just toasted his wife in the attic.

- It's wild. - Yeah.

The trouble is, I'm reading it for Professor Healy's class, Text Studies in Gender Warfare.

And it just kinda feels like everything that we read is the same thing. You know?

Like the male patriarchy sticking it to women.

And I understand that you can say that, but I also think that not everything is the same.

True. Please, have a seat.

Um, anyway, it is...

It's, like, my favorite book.

- Good. - Except for yours.

Phoenix Time is, like, my favorite book in the universe.

Oh. Well, I'm very flattered.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

It saved my life, actually.

How do you mean?

Well, my therapist gave it to me after my father killed himself.

And I won't bore you with the details of the whole story or anything, but, um,

it just really showed me

that people can get through stuff like that.

I read it, like, a million times.

And also, it's just a really great book.

It's up there with Brontë and Stendhal.

- Stendhal? - The Red and the Black?

It's another favorite of mine.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

I'm actually working on a postmodern retelling of that story.

It's my new novel.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

That's amazing.