Veep

Ma'am, American University is a fine institution.

American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt.

Okay? I don't want my library there.

Well, technically, it wouldn't even be a library.

- What? - It won't be a library, ma'am.

No, I heard her. You understand that, Amy,

that even Richard has trouble understanding you?

You would be donating all of your papers, gifts,

and ephemera to them, to their library.

Well, of course the dresses. I think...

No, they don't want the dresses!

You know that every president since FDR

has had a goddamn library, okay?

Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.

American University, it's like American Univer-shit.

- (GASPS) Hey! - (CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you!

I just wanna say that I am so proud to be here

- as a part of... - National Volunteer Week.

National Volunteer Week.

- (CROWD CHEERING) - Yeah, really important.

Okay, thanks.

- Super. Great! - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

- How about that? How about that? - (CROWD CHEERING)

- I also do wallpaper. - (ALL LAUGHING)

Thank you guys so much. It's been so much fun.

I love this T-shirt, too.

It's just so happy and wonderful!

- (CROWD CHEERING) - Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.

Get this T-shirt off of me.

I look like I'm trying out for "The Price is Right."

God Almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office.

No, don't say that!

Although, with my luck, I'd be then crippled for life,

sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.

They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

- What? - They said they haven't agreed

to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

That food was just disgusting. Why did we even go there?

Do you want me to get you anything else?

You didn't eat anything.

Oh, God, I hate every food ever,

from everywhere.

- Have you tried ice cream? - Ugh.

You know what, I was gonna wait until afternoon tea,

but I have got a fun surprise for ya.

They have unveiled your wax figure at Madame Tussauds!

- Oh, is that the fun part? - Check that out.

What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford?

Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?

I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.

God, can nothing go right for me, ever?!

What can I do? What can I do? I will fix it.

Why do they even have a wax figure of Ford?

- I don't know. - The real one was made of wood.

Get them to move me next to... to Lincoln or to Mao

- or some other game-changing icon! - Aw, yes.

That's what I am. Don't make that noise!

Just do it before I melt down that whole collection

and use it to wax

Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!

Oh, God, no.

My pantyhose go up so high.

Ma'am, it's normal

to experience a temporary depression after a heart attack.

I went through it with my father.

He was unbearable.

Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack

that depressed your dad.

And anyway, I'm not depressed.

I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog

and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out,

and what's the point of anything anyway?

And before you ask,

it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay?

'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.

Hey, ma'am, if you ever wanna talk to a therapist,

- I got a great gal. - (SCOFFS)

Wendy and I went to see her when things were rocky.

Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal.

I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.

Okay, look at me, Mike, all right?

Not crazy, okay?

- You know, Mom... - What?

therapists can help with all kinds of problems

that aren't necessarily mental illness.

I mean, my woman is amazing.

You're in therapy? Since when?

Since I was 13.

Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist.

Ma'am, have you done any more thinking

about Catherine and me moving into Mee-Maw's after the baby is born?

Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things

that I can't, you know... (GRUNTS)

- So... - You know, Dr. Diane thinks

that it would be really great if you could come in,

that it could really open up and facilitate

good communication between the two of us.

Okay, well, Dr. Diane is an asshole, okay?

I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna carry that. I'm not carrying that either.

Oh, Richard, can Catherine and I speak with you for a moment?

Well, you're the boss.

Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family?

Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch,

but love to say it.

Butterscotch.

Sorry, why do you ask?

Thanks.

- (HORN HONKING) - Oh, fuck!

"Wethinks Danny Boy Toy doth protest too much.

'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair with NewsMILF, McCabe."

All right, you know what? Fuck that.

Hey, this isn't a library!

Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.

- Print is dead. - You wanna buy some gum?

No, I get all my gum on Amazon.

But if the check is for the Rare Bird Conservancy,

then why does it have to go through the Andrew H. Meyer Trust?

That's a good catch, little Cat.

Um, you know what?

Just for tax purposes,

why don't you make it out to cash?

That's easy, hmm?

I'll just leave it blank.

It's not your drop-by day.

I couldn't wait another moment

to see my two favorite daughters.

What?

Where did little Madge disappear to, anyway?

You asked her to wait by your street meter in case it ran out.

Right. Darn.

Morning, ma'am. Hey, we really need to...

I will wait in the living room.

You're not giving any money to the Music Man here, are you, sweetie?

Have you no shame?

- And, Mom. - What?

- Here is your monthly allowance. - Okay.

And what chores do you do around the house to deserve that?

I show assholes the door.

Well, regardless,

I bid you both adieu.

- Flattering skirt. - Shut up.

Hey, Mike, sorry. I gotta get running.

But your investment is doing well.

I've never gotten a statement.

Here's a statement... your investment is doing quite well.

- Can you believe the nerve of him? - No, I can't.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.

I got another call from the publisher.

We need to buckle down and start writing the book, okay?

What if we started with when Hughes selected you as his veep?

I mean, the lies.

The flagrant self-interest!

Do you have any memory of that moment?

Any details, any specifics?

You know, during my first win for Congress,

he was cheating on me during the entire campaign

and said it was my fault.

- I didn't know that. Okay. - Yeah, absolutely he did.

Andrew said that he was campaigning long hours at the office for me.

But what was he doing?

He was fucking Louise Kellog for me,

my goddamn press secretary.

'Cause that's what he does, see?

- He makes you... - Who was your opponent in that race?

Uh, I don't know. Some old white guy. They're all the same.

And it was a really tight race.

Everybody said I was gonna lose,

and people were saying I was cold

and that I was unrelatable.

Down, down.

Whatever happened to Louise Kellog?

Oh, God, I made Andrew can her slutty can.

And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.

Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

Hey, get up.

- What? - Give me that fork.

- What? What? What gives? - Up, up.

Fundraising laws... no silverware.

Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal,

which is a gift, which is a bribe,

which is a line of prison inmates

standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.

Well, my feet hurt and I'm really hungry.

Well, that's why we told you to eat a big meal before you got here!

Well, I wasn't hungry then! And I need to go to the bathroom.

You just went.

Hey, here he is, the Macher of the Moment.

- Mr. Tanz. - Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia,

and daughter, Shawnee.

Yeah, what'd I tell ya? He's tall, huh?

Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Ms. Tanz, you are smoking.

I'm the daughter. Gross.

- We have a six-year-old. - Oh, mazel tov.

Listen, I have a thought... I wanna make sure

that when you talk about Daylight Savings Time,

you don't forget to talk about crime.

It'll get dark earlier all year long,

which means more burglaries and murders and rape through the roof.

Wait, isn't that bad?