Rick and Morty

Oh! Um, hey, Rick.

I was wondering if you could help me with a rake situation.

A rake situation?

Long story short, I asked Gene if he borrowed my rake,

and he said, "No," like that: Like, too fast.

Like faster than someone should know they don't have my rake.

I think he has my rake, and I...

I'm not gonna murder Gene.

Jerry, thank you for bringing me into the rake situation.

I've done all I can. I'm out.

No surprise there.

All that brain, and you just waste it.

Hold up. I waste my brain.

Yeah, Rick.

Obviously, you were born smarter than me, but if I had your brain--

If you had my-- I am so sick of this "born smart" shit!

Are you gonna kill me?

I was born crying and pissing myself just like you.

Then I become the smartest man in the universe. Do I get credit?

No, I get to check my brain privilege.

- So we're swapping bodies? - No. That'd be Freaky Friday,

which is the ceiling of your grasp of consciousness.

The brain is part of the body, Jerry. It's hardware.

I'm gonna put my mind in your brain, and your mind in my brain.

Then we'll see the real definition of waste.

Or admit genius isn't random and your failures are your own.

- Not doing that. - Thought as much.

Fuck! Oh, God!

Wait, no!

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

Oh, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

All right, Jerry. You can do this.

Medical emergency detected.

There goes my Thursday.

I'm telling you, man, you're making a big mistake here.

Ha! Bigger mistake than being a criminal? I'm mistake-proof.

Sorry to bother, boss.

I caught this punk selling crystals on our turf.

You big precious moron.

Do you know who--?

This is Morty! The kid who hangs with Rick Sanchez?

Tried to warn you.

Rick Sanchez?

Underworld legend? Chaotic neutral sci-fi guy?

He's gonna turn me into a sandwich.

- Is this guy new? - Think he was a Dylan rec, boss.

Check Dylan's references next time.

Whatever this kid wants to do in our territory is his business.

Fuck! Call my wife, we gotta prep Go-Bags 3 through 6.

Hey, pal. You good? You whole?

You have milkshakes?

We will learn what they are and get you one.

What a turn.

Lucky I'm such a genius your garage can thwart death.

I'm the genius, and it's your garage, idiot.

What the fuck did you do to my body?

Your body? Jerry, your mind did that to my body using my brain.

Jerry, my mind was in this brain in your body.

Pretty easy to follow.

It shuffled us.

Shuffled you maybe. I'm tracking everything.

Garage, fix this!

Situation was fixed.

You call this fixed?

This guy thinks he's me. - Let's see you fix it then. Asshole.

I will. I got my lab. Give me three hours.

Like I'd ever trust you to open my skull. I'll fix it.

I just need to scan for... Ow!

Like I'd trust your fritzing R2-D2 ass. You'll just kill me on purpose.

So that's where my paranoia went.

Rick speaking. Who's this?

Rick! It's Chuxly, from Crimetown.

We've met five or 10 times.

Small misunderstanding, one of my guys saw your buddy Morty running an errand

and he brought him in, which I told him not to do.

But I've got Morty, and he is fine.

What? Aren't you describing kidnapping?

- No, no. Morty's kidnapped? Give me that.

Hello? This is Rick Sanchez.

I'm using my son-in-law's vocal cords because I'm amazing.

If you touch my grandson, I'm gonna--

- Get off me! - Hello?

- Jerry, stop! You're fucking this up! - You're only calling me Jerry

because you're so stupid you think it's hurtful, which it is.

- Tell me where you are. - No.

You tell them where they are, like Liam Neeson.

Do not pretend to explain Liam Neeson to me, sir.

Jerry! Don't touch me there! - Stop it!

We know where you are.

- My milkshake is empty. - Okay.

That was so embarrassing.

Do you have any clue what a pain it is to cultivate a mystique?

Yeah, I do, it's my mystique, and you're just cultivating Jerry's shame.

- What is with my hair? Leave it. - Don't!

- Why do you care about hair? - Be quiet.

I need to think through all these chunks of moron.

Okay. Stay here, touch nothing. I'll get Morty.

Ha! I'm not letting you get Morty killed and our brains blown out twice.

Car, electrocute Jerry if he gets in the front seat.

Car, engage castration protocol right now.

Figure out how to drive me together, or I will have to kill you both.

What are we, a 1930s comedy act? Stop swerving.

You're swerving!

When we get there, let me do the talking.

I know, you look the most like us.

I'm not stupid.

- Oh! I beg to differ. - Screw you, Half Jerry!

- You're a Half Jerry! - You're a Half Jerry!

Looks like he's inbound, boss.

Okay, he is in a bad mood,

so we are kissing ass until our lips are ass-colored.

Straighten that pillow! He might hate crooked pillows! I don't know!

Nice parking job, assdick. You scratched my car.

Rick!

And, uh, Rick's friend!

This is my assassin. Deadliest man in the galaxy, and he's gay.

- Why am I gay? - Whoa!

Why aren't you?

Sorry about that. Sorry.

Well, I got Morty right here, happy as a milkshake.

And since we interrupted your day, Morty's got 10,000 croutons.

That's slang for crystals. Morty, show him.

We know what croutons are.

Why is Dad here?

Your dad's a gay assassin?

So cool and ordinary. Sorry.

I appreciate you trying to make good, but you cost me 10 times that much.

Doesn't matter, Rick. The guy's already kissing your ass.

It's the ass-kissers you have to keep in line.

When they sense weakness, they move on you.

What are we, Walter White? Who cares if a mid-tier crime dork "moves" on us?

Thank you for the crystals. Morty, get in the car.

Why don't you leave those crystals here since it's such an insulting amount?

There it is. Now he's thinking, "Maybe I can kill God."

Because God doesn't haggle for 10,000 fucking croutons.

Here's the deal.

I'm Rick. That's my son-in-law, we're all a little gay.

- Yeah. - It's a spectrum.

Morty, it's me, Rick. Get in the car.

Don't get in the car. Put the briefcase down.

Morty, get in the car twice,

once for each five additional briefcases this asshole owes us.

Stop doing this terrible impression of me!

At this point we're bad gangsters if we don't roll the dice.

Everybody, start killing them!

- What have you two assholes done? - It's okay, it's a nice restaurant.

Shit! Crime restaurant!

Oh, my God! Am I really about to die because you botched a Freaky Friday?

Yes. - Whoever you are, you're in Rick's body.

- Use your implants. - I'm trying.

Half my brain is the guy that still needs your mom to use the electric wine opener.

Hang on, I think I got it.

Right, from my Conehead phase.

- Awesome movie. - Incredible cast.

Goddamn it! I'm shooting my way back to the car.

Way to go.

Now my son and grandson hates us.

He's my son and grandson too.

Huh. We do share an agenda in that sense.

Let's hope you share my aim.

Hey, get up here!

Said the throat to the hand.

You might feel a pinch, and maybe a rocket.

You'll have to aim. Hop on.

You coneheaded son of a bitch! Can't believe that worked!

- I wish they did that in the movie. - Jesus fucking Christ.

Huh. Should've done something with my hands.

Morty, gotta push or pull. Your call.

What the hell? What happened?

They made us stop at every drive-thru chain in the galaxy

so they could make one giant burger with a patty from each place.

I guess I meant before that.

- Brains got mixed up. - But we're gonna swap back, don't worry.

Just didn't wanna build a neural interface on an empty stomach.

Wait, you guys did a brain swap?

Don't chide until they're unshuffled. Neither one is Dad or Rick.

Huh. I guess I'm thrilled you guys are getting along.

Let's keep that going

when those brains get back in their bodies.

Whoa! Going for the electro-pneumatic diodes.

Wild man.

Only gonna build this once. Gotta do it with style.

I think we can up the wattage. Hey, another beer?

It's about the journey.

Rick used to hate that kind of hang-loose McConaughey platitude,

but he was also just gonna spend today grumpy and isolated.

And Jerry'd still be hung up about the rake.

The rake. Oh, my God, should we do it? We gotta do it.

Oh, yeah.

All right, that should do it.

- Whoa. Son of a bitch. - Classic Gene.

Huh. Crazy. This is the kind of thing that used to really piss me off.

Yeah, now it's just kind of funny.

Wanna replace it with a holographic rake?

That'd be fun. He'd get confused trying to pick it up.

I guess I don't even wanna do that.

I just wanna live. I want Gene to live.

I want all of us to make mistakes and change all the time.

Amen, brother.