The Catherine Tate Show

- (PAPER RUSTLES) - (SCREAMS)

- (CUP CLINKS) - (SCREAMS)

- (CRUNCHES) - (SCREAMS)

Jesus Christ!

It's like Piccadilly Circus in here!

- (POPPING) - (SCREAMING)

Well...

Here we are then.

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

No, no, thank you.

- (SIGHS) - Well...

- Good night. - Good night.

Claire?

- Yes? - You know, I don't...

I don't really feel like going home now.

Is there any chance for another drink?

- James... - Or a cup of coffee?

James, I know you want to come in,

and I know you probably want more than just a drink or a cup of coffee.

It's just that...

I'm not drunk enough.

What's wrong, Claire? Don't... Don't you like me?

Of course I like you.

I'm just not drunk enough to find you attractive.

Oh.

I really want to be drunk enough.

Why aren't you drunk now?

I am drunk now.

I can hardly stand up.

I'm just not drunk enough.

Is there anything I can do?

No.

Because you're just not attractive.

But I took you to the Munich Beer Festival.

I know!

I thought that would be it. And I tried.

I drank my own body-weight in German beer.

I was completely out of my tree the whole time we were there.

I got arrested.

Twice.

But it still wasn't enough.

Maybe... Maybe you'll never be drunk enough.

Oh, James, I do like you.

If only I could get so spectacularly pissed

I just wasn't aware of what you looked like.

Hang on!

There's an operation you can have which allows more alcohol into your blood stream.

James, no.

My liver's wrecked as it is.

I drank so much to try and find you attractive,

the doctors say I may be dead within a year.

Oh, Claire.

Good night, James.

Claire!

Give me a call.

Did you see Beyonce last night on the television?

Yeah, man. She is well fit.

That's a well nice song.

Yeah. She's fit as well.

She's better now she's left Destiny's, don't you think?

Much better. But the other two were fit, man.

-Yeah, I love that tune. -Yeah, right. She's well bing-bing.

- What? - I said, Beyonce's well bing-bing.

- What is she, mate? - She's bing-bing.

It's bling-bling, mate. Bling-bling.

- What? - Bling-bling.

"Bing-bing." That is bad!

Not bothered.

- That is funny, man. - Am I bothered, though?

- Take the shame, man. - No. 'Cause I ain't bothered.

You've set yourself up there though, innit?

No, I ain't, 'cause I ain't bothered.

- That is funny though, innit? - No, it ain't, actually.

- Well, just relax all right. - Don't tell me what to do?

- Come on, relax about it. - Are you telling me what to do?

- No, I'm just saying don't worry about it. - Are you disrespecting me?

- No, no, I'm not... (STUTTERS) - You're disrespecting me.

- No, I'm not disrespecting you. - You're disrespecting me.

- No, wait a minute. - Yeah, because you're disrespecting me.

I'm not disrespecting you. Just chill out, man.

- It was funny, though. - Are you stupid?

- No, I'm just saying... - Are you stupid?

- I'm not just laughing, okay? - Are you stupid or something.

- I'm just laughing. - Why don't you shut up, though?

- I'm not laughing at you. - Why don't you shut up, though?

- Because it's just funny, ain't it? - I said shut up.

- Yeah, I know but... - Shut up, then!

- Yeah, but... - But I don't care, though.

- Come on, man. - But I don't care.

- Yeah, but you can't... - I don't care.

-But I'm not saying... -I don't care. I ain't bothered.

- But wait! Come on... - I'm not bothered.

-That's not... (STAMMERS) -I don't care, mate! I ain't bothered.

I ain't bothered!

I think I can hear your phone binging, mate.

Are they gonna put Bobby on the stand?

Hard to say. He's a kid.

It's a gamble. Sometimes it pays off.

He's just a little boy.

He's the only eyewitness the prosecution have.

I don't want to put him through that.

Well, then you better start telling me the truth.

- I am telling you the truth. - No, you're not.

In fact you haven't given me a straight answer since this trial began.

Now if you want your ass to rot in jail for the rest of your life, that's fine,

'cause that's just where you're headed.

Erin, until you start telling me what really happened,

I can't defend you one way or the other.

- Did you kill your husband? - No!

But I tried to, and at the time I meant it.

Okay, guys. That's a wrap. Same set-up tomorrow.

171, take one.

And action.

- Did you kill your husband? - No!

But I tried to, and at the time I meant it.

- Why? - You know why.

- Don't say that. - I can't live like this anymore.

Erin, this wasn't the way to do this. This is wrong.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.

Erin, don't.

Look at me and tell me you don't feel it, too.

You know what? Is this working?

Is this right?

It seemed different yesterday, uh...

Was yesterday different?

It felt different yesterday.

Uh...

Is it just me? It's me.

It's fine. It's me.

Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. Let's go again. Um...

This wasn't the way to do this. This is wrong.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.

Erin, don't.

Look at me and tell me you don't feel it, too.

It's probably me.

Is this working?

It...

Is anybody worried?

I'm not worried.

Is anybody worried?

No. MAN 2: No.

Okay. Let's go for the kiss. And...

Hello, Nan.

- Here he is! - Are you all right?

- Come up and see me? - Yeah.

- Come up and see me, ain't ya? - Yeah.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Here, is it cold outside?

- Uh, not very. - I can tell it's cold outside

'cause it's cold in here, see?

It's gotta be cold outside if it's cold in here, innit?

I mean, it stands to reason, don't it?

If it's cold in here. It gotta be cold outside.

If it's cold in 'ere so it must be cold outside.

Put a couple of bars on that fire if you like, darling.

Uh, I'm all right, actually, Nan.

I don't mind. Go on.

Put a couple of bars on that fire. Warm yourself up.

That's it.

Ain't it hot?

I'm roasting!

Oh, I can't breathe in here, it's so warm.

I'll have to take a pair of these tights off.

That's it. Oh, yeah!

Here... She was up here today, weren't she?

- Who's that? - Home help.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Lacula something, innit?

- Elena. - Who is it?

- Her name's Elena. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

She's from, uh... She's from somewhere, ain't she?

- Is she? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Definitely, yeah. What is it?

Czechoslovakia or something... Bulgaria?

It's one of them odd mark countries anyway.

- Poland. - Who is it?

- She's from Poland. - Yeah, well, I don't like her and that's it.

- Oh, God! - I said to her, "Look, darling,

"I'm not being funny, I don't mean nothing,"

"but I don't want you coming up here no more if you don't mind."

Nan, you didn't!

She said to me, "Mrs Taylor, you mustn't be so proud."

I said, "What you talking about?"

She said, "Do you not want me coming up here no more"

"because you feel your independence slipping away?"

I said, "No, I don't want you coming up 'ere no more 'cause you're a fucking thief."

Nan, she's not stealing from you.

What are you talking about? Of course she is.

I watch her when she thinks I ain't looking.

Handfuls of gear she takes.

No, she doesn't.

"I'm just going to do some ironing for you."

"Oh, all right, love," I say.

She was stuffing it in her bag.

It's a wonder I've got a stitch of clothing to call me own!

She's not taking your clothes.

She's nicking me food and all, ain't she?

- I doubt it. - She's nicking me food!

I mean, I wouldn't mind. I don't begrudge 'em having something to eat.

No.