How I Met Your Mother

Well, it's come to this-- we're drinking with our baby in a bar.

It is not a bar.

It's a restaurant that happens to have a bar.

Ergo, we are good parents.

Unrelated: I'm getting faced right now.

Papa needs a grease coat.

While it is heartwarming to watch

your firstborn teethe on a jalapeño popper,

wasn't Mickey gonna watch him today?

My dad's out all week.

He's got the sniffles.

For someone who's survived numerous beatings

from loan sharks, he has

a surprisingly delicate constitution.

Well, my semester's over

and the GNB building is finally done.

If you guys want, I'm free to watch Marvin.

I'm meeting with a headhunter

next week to line up

my next project, but until then, what the hell?

Ted, although a "what the hell" attitude is

incredibly sought after in a babysitter,

I think that Lily and Marshall...

You're hired.

Now that we've been

parents for awhile, we realize

that pretty much any moron can take care of a baby.

Thank you.

Mine!

Ow.

Delicious and mine.

They do look yummy yum-yum, mister.

No. No!

What have I done?!

I am so sorry, Cornelius.

You deserve a better end than this!

You got ketchup on a red tie.

You can't even see it.

Clear!

I'm going in.

Oh, my...

Damn it, guys, we lost him.

And he was so close to retirement.

Just this morning he said to me,

"I'm getting too old for this shirt."

I know, dude.

Oh, my God.

You are such a good folder.

That's, like, The Gap good.

Robin...

...let's go hit the bar.

At this restaurant.

I think they have a bar here.

Okay, what was that? What was what?

The "dumb cheerleader flirting with the quarterback" thing.

You looked like you were gonna

chase Barney down with

a sixer of watermelon wine coolers.

First of all, those bad girls come in fourskis.

And second, why would I be flirting with Barney?

I'm not interested in him, and I made that very clear.

With something that I did.

Recently.

Just spill it.

The other week, Barney made a move,

but I turned him down.

I felt awful for closing the door in his face,

but he realized I was right.

I'm done trying to get you.

I can't do it anymore.

And now I get it. Get what?

You may have closed the door on Barney, but he locked it.

What? No, he didn't.

Yeah, he got the last word,

and now you want

what you can't have, like you always do.

It's the classic lobster situation.

I'm afraid you're allergic to lobster.

You can never, ever, ever have it.

Oh, this... is... delicious.

Once you learned you couldn't have lobster,

you became obsessed.

Barney's the same thing.

And this is gonna blow up in your face,

just like the lobster blew up your face.

Wrong. This is nothing like lobster.

Okay.

Just remember, you can never hook up with Barney again.

That's fine. Never.

Ever, ever, ever, ever.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh, no.

Marshall, Lily and Ted can't make it,

for viable reasons I just learned

via this text message I accidentally deleted.

Guess it's just gonna be you and me.

Fine by me.

Me, too. Totally.

Supafine.

Hey there, Scherbats, your voice of reason here.

What you doing?

I hope you don't mind,

but I was hungry, so I ordered MacLaren's new special.

I couldn't eat lunch at work because they ordered

: Thai food.

I miss you, Cornelius!

Oh, my God.

You're so sensitive.

And deep.

No. You're better than this.

Barney is not like lobster.

Okay, that's unfortunate, but it doesn't mean

you have to hook up with Barney.

Whoa!

God, you said that out loud!

No, I didn't.

How would you know? You're out of control.

Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you, bitch?

Um, billion-dollar idea alert.

Why should bibs only be socially acceptable

when you're eating lobster?

If we could wear them all the time,

: then Corny would still be

with us right now.

I miss...

Picture a bib that looks like your suit:

a collar, a tie, a jacket.

Mm-hmm.

Atta girl. Keep it cool.

I could call them Brobibs!

That's interesting.

Yeah, you got this.

I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

What do you think?

Oh, that idea's amazeballs!

That's it. I'm out of here.

I'm out of control.

I came this close

to telling Barney that I wanted him.

Robin, as your friend, I got to be honest.

I think this Brobibs thing is a frickin' gold mine.

What? No.

Lily, I really need advice.

Okay.

Invest now.

Seriously, it's like Apple at ten dollars a share.

Lily, please.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm a little distracted.

I-I got to get upstairs

and check on Ted and Marvin.

Can we please just talk about this Brobib thing another time?

How was your day?

Good, although I think I just saw a woman

with a full beard outside.

Marvin crawled!

What?

He's never done that before.

I know!

I think I just saw a guy with breasts outside.

Marvin crawled.

I can't believe it. Believe it.

I took a video for you.

You're doing it, Marvin.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh!

Your Uncle Ted is so proud.

Whoops.

Guess I had the camera flipped.

I use it to check my teeth for debris.

Ooh, sounds like somebody's "crawling" me.

Oh, sweetie, oh, come on.

Lil, listen, so we missed the first time he crawled.

So what?

We'll see it the next time, I promise.

Oh, my God, he just did it again!

Guys, get in here! Marvin can't stop crawling!

He's Holden Crawl-field!

Get in here right now-- nope, nope, it's over.

Okay, hey, I know.

Baby, I know, I know.

But, listen, there will be plenty of other Marvin firsts.

His first day at school,

his first trip to meet Santa,

his first touchdown pass for

the 2032 Super Bowl champion Vikings-- no pressure.

I'll love him even if he runs the ball into the end zone.

So can we please just let this crawling thing go?

Yeah, okay. You're right.

I mean, I'm being nuts.

We'll see it when we see it.

Yeah.

Do it.

If you ever want to see these boobs again,

crawl, you son of a me.

Come on, Lil.