Mom

You know, we make a big deal around here

when we've been sober for three months.

I just want to say I've been in a committed relationship

for three months. Where's my chip?

Really? She wants a boyfriend and a chip?

I'm just enjoying that she's missing a button on her blouse.

I mean, it's going so well

it's making me nervous.

We do have our problems.

Andy's a cop, so watching police shows

has become incredibly annoying.

He's all, "That's not how we search somebody.

No cop I know can run for five blocks, then jump a fence."

And then my alcoholic brain starts thinking,

"Is this the thing that's gonna make me have to break up with him?"

'Cause it's got to be something.

So I call Marjorie,

and she says I should just focus on the fact

that I'm in a healthy relationship

with a good man who's crazy about me.

If anybody knows how the hell to do that,

talk to me after. Thanks.

Who else would like to share?

Mary. Hi, I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hello, Mary.

I had hoped the autumn winds

would bring a little change in my life.

Instead, I'm just sad and chilly.

This program has really helped me get my life together.

I wish my family would follow my lead.

I have to call my daughter by 8:00 a.m.,

otherwise she's too drunk to carry on a conversation.

And my grandson Todd got arrested again.

For stealing a car this time.

At least he's thinking bigger.

But I don't have money for bail,

let alone a lawyer.

You know, in the past,

I'd be all worked up over that.

But now I trust that my higher power has a plan.

: So no need to worry.

God's got his eye on Mary. Thank you.

- (applause) - Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.

- Sorry, that's all the time we have. - What?

God, grant me the serenity...

Don't worry, I'm totally okay with the fact

that you hogged all the time.

Mom!

And the wisdom to know the difference.

- Hi. I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic. - What are you doing?

I had a rough morning, and I'm not leaving

until you people hear about it.

Nothing triggers me more than when people blame me

for something that I didn't do.

So I'm at the grocery store, and I pick up one lime,

and it starts a lime avalanche.

And then the produce guy looks at me

like I should pick them up.

I don't work there. I didn't build

the structurally unsound lime pyramid.

Hey, Mary, wake it up. I'm telling my story.

Mary. Oh, my God!

Mary, are you all right?

Marjorie, call 911.

I should have been able to do more to help her.

I mean, I'm a nurse, for God's sake.

She had an aneurism, there's nothing you could have done.

Maybe we should all find peace in the fact that

Mary passed away sober and surrounded by friends

who cared about her.

Sorry, this is my first sober person death, and I...

I didn't realize how festive

a strawberry milkshake would look.

I can't believe how sudden it was.

Why am I so sad? I barely knew her.

Maybe that's why.

I barely knew her, and now I never will.

Mary's last moment on this earth

was me being mean to her.

I'm a horrible person.

Nothing?

No comfort from anyone?

Mary knew not to take what you said personally.

She probably just tuned you out, like the rest of us do.

You open your mouth, and all I hear is an air conditioner.

That's the comfort I was looking for. Thank you.

You know, her share today was the most positive

I've ever heard her.

Yeah, because she thought God had a plan for her.

And he did. He was gonna kill her.

I don't think that's how it works.

You know, when you think about it,

God has a plan to kill all of us.

It's just a matter of where and when.

And how. Also how.

Hey, what are you doing up?

Well, I had coffee too late in the day,

and also, our friend died suddenly.

That led to questioning God's plan for me,

and whether I should trust this guy.

Really? You used to buy drugs

from a guy without a nose,

but you're running a background check on God?

I'm just trying to make sense out of Mary's death.

And I'm-I'm thinking that, you know,

maybe I can help her grandson out with his case.

Wait, this is the same grandson who robbed us?

Maybe after that, you can take a Nazi to Disneyland.

Please go back to bed.

No. I'll just lie there beating myself up

for being a jerk to Mary.

I wish I could apologize.

You can.

Like talking to the dead?

I only 80% believe in that stuff.

Unless you move this glass right now, Mary!

Yeah, now I'm at 75.

- I'm talking about a living amends. - Never heard of it.

Really? Because people share about it

all the time at meetings.

Honey, I listen to you, Tammy and sometimes Jill,

if she's wearing a bright color.

It's a thing where if you can't

make a direct amends to the person you harmed,

you take a kinder attitude with everyone else.

What, I was mean to Mary,

so now I got to be nice to a bunch of randos?

Or just people you know. Or live with.

Ugh, let me try talking to Mary first.

Mary, I am sorry for being rude to you.

If we're good, I'm gonna need you to move this glass.

She says we're good, and I can stay mean.

Mary, are you gonna haunt my mother

if she's not nice to everyone else?

Ooh, she's here.

Christy! - I'm here.

- Christy! - I'm here.

- Christy! - I'm here.

Oh. Good morning.

I'm working from the floor today.

Okay. Here's your smoothie.

You'll need to hold it up to my mouth.

Don't look at me when you do it.

It'll make me feel vulnerable.

No, that's my eye. Find my mouth.

Ah.

Are you all right?

I am not. Last night, while under the influence

of a particularly zippy strain of sativa,

my Tinder date and I made the ill-advised decision

to tape folders to our feet and ski down the stairs.

We terrified my dog, and I tweaked my back.

Then we had sex and I destroyed my back.

Oh! Oh! Spasm. Help me up!

- Ow. - Sorry.

- Ow. - Sorry.

- Ow. Oh! - Sorry.

That feels good. Stay right there.

Ah.

While I have you, can I ask a quick favor?

Well played.

I'm-I'm trying to help out a friend's grandson

who just got arrested.

Do you know a criminal lawyer who might be able

to handle it pro Bono?

- I'll do it. - You will?

All of the partners are required to do pro Bono work.

This is a great opportunity for you to do mine.

I'm still in law school.

You think I'm ready to handle my own case?

Oh, God, no. I just don't care how this turns out.

So, is this the rest of my day?

Yep. Stop moving my head with your boobs.

What are you doing?

Well, I was gonna sit there, but then I realized

that's where Mary sat,

and I didn't want to sit on her spirit.

Like I did when she was alive.

Again, nothing?

Look, I admit I did not treat her well,

but I'm trying to make up for it.

To that end, I think we should leave this chair empty

to honor Mary.

Oh, Mary would love that.

I'm barely holding it together. Can we not talk about Mary?

Speaking of Mary,

I called her daughter, and she said

they're not planning to have a memorial.

Oh, that's a shame.

It is. So I'm gonna throw one.

My way of getting to know her a little better.

That is such a loving and kind thing to do.

- Are you being mean? - I'm being sincere.

Yeah. Still can't tell.

This Mary thing's really scrambled my eggs.

I mean, I know she was way older than the rest of us...

I think she was a couple years younger than Marjorie.

- What?! - Yup.

It's not just Marjorie's clothes that make her old,

it's actual time.