Fresh Off the Boat

Ah, I need to go on a diet.

I feel like a sausage in my jeans.

Please. I can't even tell you've had three kids.

You can't, right?

No.

Oh, I was reading about this new cabbage-soup diet.

Oh!

Oh, friend time over. Time for business meeting.

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Bette Midler.

Barbara Hershey.

Okay.

After some setbacks, we're ready to

put our investment property on the market!

- Yay! - Yes!

I'm excited!

I know!

So I just picked these up from the printer

for our open house on Tuesday.

We look like a band of nurses.

We look hot.

Oh, that reminds me...

You know how people always have cookies at open houses?

Well, I was thinking we should have

mini quiches and bacon instead.

Ah, but that sounds expensive.

You know what? Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, we'll just put that in the future file.

Yes.

And the next thing is,

oh, I was reading about these team-building workshops

that companies do for morale and problem-solving...

Honey, I appreciate your initiative,

but I don't think we have the money

for nonessentials right now.

Okay. That makes sense.

Then there's just one more item of business to discuss.

Um, I noticed in our monthly expenses,

we spent $500 on something called "madame x-ing"?

Oh, that's pronounced Madame Xing.

She's my fortune teller.

What?

We need her. We can't sell the house without her.

Now, how much extra was it to print these fliers in color?

S02E09 We Done Son

Sorry, what is this fortune teller?

I don't know how to explain it to you

if you can't get it from the title.

She tells fortunes.

Why is she on our payroll?

I've never made an important decision in my life

without consulting Madame Xing.

Should I marry Louis?

Should I get matching bangs?

Should I give up secretly wanting to be a ventriloquist?

So, what'd she say?

Madame Xing was right...

The puppet theater boom never came.

I'm sorry.

I just can't wrap my head around

us spending $500 a month on a fortune teller.

It's just part of our culture.

Consulting with a fortune teller

is something a lot of Chinese people do,

like using the dishwasher as a drying rack,

or not saying "please."

Here it comes, Trent.

No shame in being beat by a girl.

I'm secure like that.

Strike!

We all know it's a strike, Brian!

I better get home, guys.

See you Saturday, Eddie.

See ya.

Saturday is her birthday.

What are you gonna get her?

Ladies love haikus.

Clever crafted word parties.

Ladies love haikus.

Nah, son. I'm trying to impress my woman,

not depress my woman.

Why don't you get her a tube top from the Delia's catalogue?

I've got something even classier in mind.

Nice. Does it open, and can you put a little picture inside?

No, ma... Why you got to point out

what the necklace don't do?

It's just a beautiful necklace.

It better be for $49.99.

How are you gonna pay for that?

Oh, I got the loot.

I'm really good at saving.

$5?!

Barry's coming?

Only for a few days.

He's got business in Orlando.

I haven't seen him in years.

Right, ever since you gave him money for that vitamin business.

I told you nobody wanted vitamin "L."

Vitamin Luscious was before its time.

He's a leech, Louis.

Like a barnacle.

Or a leech.

Well, he's not perfect, but he means well.

And he's always liked you.

Remember, he brought you that nice basket of fruit

the last time he visited?

He gave me seven bananas in a babygap shopping bag.

Dad, can I start working at the restaurant again?

Of course.

- And get paid?! - Nope.

With all the delays in your mom's investment property sale,

money's tight right now.

If you really need money, I saw a "help wanted" sign

on the bulletin board at the country club.

Ooh, some ladies need assistance putting lotion on by the pool?

It's a family new to the neighborhood,

and they have a baby and need help around the house.

- Do I get to put l... - No. No ladies need lotion.

DMX?!

I prefer to be called Earl when I'm holding my baby.

Honey, I can't wait for you to talk to Madame Xing yourself

and see how important she is to our business.

Well, I always like to keep an open mind.

Like the first time I heard about cream cheese,

I was like, "blech!"

Now, I'm all, "mmm, mmm, mmm!

Can I get some bagel with my cream cheese?

You know what I'm saying?"

It's tasty.

Wei?

Madame Xing, it's Jessica.

I'm here with my business partner, who I told you about.

Ah, yes. The skeptic.

You have to ask Madame Xing a question

that you want the answer to.

Okay.

Um, will the dolphins make the playoffs?

You should stop watching football.

It's not good for your heart.

Heart disease runs in my family.

How did you know that?

You just got Xing'd.

Okay, now that Honey believes, we can move on to business.

We're putting the house on the market next Tuesday, and I...

No. Don't put the house on the market for three months.

There's darkness that needs to be cleansed.

- Okay. - Okay?

And don't bet on the dolphins.

Not with that secondary.

Oh, it is so lucky we called her.

We need to change the open-house date on the fliers.

You can't be serious.

You heard Madame Xing.

You don't take any of my suggestions,

but this fortune teller makes one crazy statement,

and you do it, no questions asked?

I value her opinion.

And she values your money.

500 bucks a month so she can tell us about darkness,

but mini quiches and a seminar are wasteful?

Don't blame me just because your ideas are bad.

You think you're so smart, Jessica,

but you're really just a sucker.

Thank you for being honest.

Now allow me to be honest. It's over.

What is?

Everything... our friendship, the business, book club,

the sandwich punch card we share... done-zo.

Oh my god.

Dmx!

Dark Man X!

You look older in person.

Fatherhood ages you.

I'm tired.

Emotional.

Crying. Yelling!

All at the same cotton commercial.

It's the fabric of our lives, G.

Man, I can't wait to tell all my friends!

Sorry, little man.

I can't have you blowing up my spot.

I'm gonna need you to sign and initial

this nondisclosure agreement.

It's the same one Oprah used on Stedman.

So... I can't tell anyone I'm working for you?

- Nope. - Oh.

So, what do you want me to do?

Babyproof the living room,

blend some peas for Genesis,

and make sure to put lavender drops in her cloth diapers.

Why don't you just use disposable diapers?

'Cause I ain't trying to leave some big-ass carbon footprint.

I hope the couch is gonna be okay.

Aw, are you kidding me, man?

We shared a twin futon when we roomed up in Jersey.

Remember that? Trying to put a new vitamin out there.

Testing it on ourselves.

R-remember how you grew that lustrous arm hair?