American Housewife

Where'd you get those sunglasses?

It was in a swag bag at Jack's birthday party.

Tom Ford.

I think the ones I bought you at the car wash

frame your face better.

It was awesome.

They turned Jack's backyard into a full-on amusement park.

Carnival games on the tennis court,

a roller coaster on the putting green.

Yeah, we're not impressed by any of that, are we, Greg?

I got a churro at pick-up!

People are going all-out for their 13th birthdays.

Why don't we throw you a birthday party here?

- You mean at our house? - Yeah!

We're not having it here.

Why? Because our house isn't good enough

for your fancy-ass friends?

I would have been a little harsher on the house,

a little gentler on my friends.

But, yeah, that's pretty much it.

Oliver, this house is perfect...

four walls, a roof, no one hits you.

What's your problem?

Mom, this is Westport.

Surely there are other people who have a house like this.

They do, only it's out back

and it's where they store their rakes and pool toys.

I'm just saying, I'd rather have no party than a party here.

This is on me.

I should have spaced out his vaccinations.

I just didn't want to keep driving back to the doctor.

Well, you know, if we have a party,

you can invite Alice McCarthy.

Ooh!

Taylor, worry about your own problems,

like the grade you're pulling in English.

Don't listen to him.

This is just a ploy to get your attention

off him and put it on me.

So it's not true about your grade?

Uh...

He's embarrassed of you!

All right! Everybody upstairs.

You're all officially terrible children!

Never you.

Oliver is having a party here.

Katie, you can't force someone to have a party.

Sure you can.

You can surprise them with one.

You're throwing him a surprise party?

Once he gets over the initial shock,

he'll see that everybody's having fun

and nobody gives a damn where he lives.

Then, we'll clear off the mantel for my Mother of the Year Award.

I don't think steam-rolling over your kid

and ambushing him is a great idea.

I feel passionately, Greg.

I am gonna throw that kid a party so good,

it's gonna knock the entitlement right out of him.

Ah, yes! A spiteful punishment party.

- Good times. - Yeah.

Okay, but Oliver explicitly told you

he doesn't want a birthday party?

Yes, but I'm ignoring his wishes.

Well, as much as he needs a lesson,

I'm with Oliver on this.

Westport kids expect a certain level of extravagance

at their birthday parties.

Okay, so what should I do?

Have you ever heard of an escape room?

Angela!

Your after-dark activities

have no place at a preteen birthday party!

Stop.

An escape room is where you're all locked in a room,

and you have to solve a series of puzzles

using clues that lead to your escape

before the time runs out.

I love it!

Cheap, and I can do it in my basement,

just like the weddings

both of my daughters are probably gonna get.

Taylor, your tutor's here.

My what?

I asked the school to send over a smart kid

- to help you with your English. - Mom!

You're gonna thank me for this.

I'm too modest to mention it,

but I'm up for Mother of the Year.

- Tara. - Oh, Katie.

Didn't realize this was your house.

I didn't realize this was your son.

Ugh! Tara Summers.

She didn't invite Anna-Kat to her daughter's birthday,

so I've dedicated my life to hating her.

Feels good to have a cause you believe in.

Hi, Eyo.

You two know each other?

I'm the only Sudanese kid in Westport.

I'm hard to miss.

Come on in.

Here's your lunch.

Oh, don't be silly. I can feed him.

We're vegan, and this is a meat house.

I can smell it.

Okay, Tara.

We'll see you in a couple of hours.

- I know it was you. - Excuse me?

I know it was you who ran that ham up my flagpole.

How dare you come to my house and accuse me of...

We have security cameras.

Oh, yeah, I did do that.

You should have invited Anna-Kat

to your daughter's birthday party.

I regret nothing.

You know, it figures your other daughter

would need to be tutored.

You know what? For a vegan who adopted a child from Africa,

you are a very bad person!

Don't give him soda!

Okay, this is what I'm thinking.

We'll make this into the escape room,

a.k.a. Skybase 17,

the disabled space station where the kids

have to evacuate before their oxygen runs out.

I like it. What's my character...

Central Command Officer Randall Walker,

- a renegade who disobeyed orders and... - No.

Wait for it... saved the lives of billions...

- Still no... - of space puppies.

Greg! This is not your 13th birthday!

No characters!

You need to monitor the kids... No!

And help them with their clues

and make sure that they're having fun.

I want to have fun, too.

They need to solve an elaborate set of puzzles and brain teasers

in order to get the code to release them from the room.

That sounds complicated. How you gonna come up with all that?

Oh, I'm not going to. You are. Did I leave that part out?

Right.

But, you know, it's kind of dangerous down here.

I mean, there's exposed nails, an open junction box,

and this door is falling off its hinges.

I'm gonna call Don, the landlord,

and have him come fix the place up.

No, don't call Don. We'll call a handyman.

Why?

You have to pay a handyman. The landlord's free.

Upkeep is his responsibility.

Yes, but we have a great deal on this place,

and if we start complaining, they're gonna raise our rent.

We are not calling Don.

Fine.

If you want me to hire some drifter

who's gonna steal all of our silver...

I don't know why you equate handymen with drifters.

And by our silver, you mean the forks

that you collect from various dining establishments?

- It is the landlord's responsibility. - I feel passionately about it.

Oh. Okay, then.

That's that.

Thanks.

So it's settled. I'm calling the landlord.

Don, thank you so much for coming by today.

Uh-huh.

How much longer is this going to be?

My husband is going to be back in an hour,

and you can't be here when he gets back.

Why not?

Um...

this is where he does his nude stretching.

Oh, yeah.

I do that.

That's great, Don.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Wow, Dad. That was, like, a lot of bowling.

I think I'm good on that sport from now on.

Surprise!

Hey.

He didn't suspect a thing.

He even asked about dinner, and I was like,

"Maybe we'll order pizza. I don't know."

Not so bad, right?

You've ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you.

You're right.

I am the greatest mom ever! Happy birthday, baby!

So, this is your place.

Never had us over to your casa before.

Yeah.

Five minutes until the escape room opens!

Most of the time, they tear these down

and build, like, a... you know, a house.

Well, the thing is,

this place might look like we have nothing,

but actually...

I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Come on, amigo.

Spill it.

You can tell us.