Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Sorry.

It's okay, Alan.

I don't have to have an orgasm every time we make love.

I did my best.

It's just that my sinuses are a little blocked

and I needed my mouth for breathing.

Don't worry about it. You were great.

"A" for effort.

Yeah, but on my report card

it's still going to say "incomplete."

Don't dwell on that.

Let's just enjoy being together.

I am enjoying it.

Ooh, thirsty.

I need to tell you something.

Uh-huh.

I think I love you, Alan Harper.

Did it go down the wrong way?

Yeah, that seems to be the theme of the evening.

Are you going to leave me hanging?

You said it was okay. You told me to stop.

You know what I mean.

I just told you I love you.

Oh, oh, that.

Oh, well, you know, it goes without saying

that I feel the same way.

Then say it.

Okay.

: I love you, Lyndsey.

Why?

Why?

What do you love about me?

Oh, well, what's not to love?

You know, you're-you're beautiful and-and-and

strong and smart and sexy.

Uh-huh.

Uh, confident,

um, loyal, thrifty.

Clean.

Yeah?

Persistent.

Well, why do you love me?

I don't know, I just do.

That's not fair.

Why did I get the essay question?

I think you should move in.

You want me to move in here?

Why not?

We love each other.

Plus, our sons get along.

They can walk to school from here,

Jake's mom lives just down the street,

and there's plenty of room for him on weekends.

Sounds like you've been giving this a lot of thought.

I have.

Is that why I got an incomplete,

'cause you were distracted?

No.

Oh.

Can you think of any reasons why we shouldn't live together?

Uh, no, not off the top of my head.

Which you were staring at for quite a while.

Look, I don't want to back you into a corner.

Why don't you think about it.

Yeah, yeah, why don't I sit with it for a day or two.

And you can think about why you love me.

Okay.

Mm.

Oh, I guess I should be getting home soon.

If you lived here, you'd be home already.

That's true.

That's funny-- I always see those signs on the freeway,

"If you lived here, you'd be home already."

And, you know, I can't help but think,

if I lived there, I'd have a big sign outside my window

ruining my perfectly good view of the freeway.

And if you lived next to the freeway,

you wouldn't be getting this.

Mmm, mmm, hang on.

Let's just wet the ol' whistle.

My mouth. I'm talking about mouth.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Yeah, hi.

I'm watching your commercial, Cash for Gold,

and you just showed a woman

selling her wedding ring for $500.

No, I don't want to sell gold.

I want to meet that woman.

She's hot

and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Hey.

Call you back.

You got any gold in your teeth?

A little. Why?

Just thinking.

Lyndsey told me she loves me tonight.

Really? What'd you say?

What could I say? "I love you, too."

Do you love her?

Yeah, sure.

What's not to love?

Oh, I don't know.

Her mood swings, her idiot teenage son

and the fact that you need a muscle relaxer,

a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off.

Hey, I told you about that in confidence.

Who else is here?

The same two people know.

All right, well, let's keep it that way.

She also said she wants me to move in with her.

Is that forever or just till you get her off?

Charlie...

You're right, you're right, you're right,

that's a distinction without a difference.

Are you listening to me?

Lyndsey said she wants me to move out of here

and in with her.

Oh, you were serious.

Well, that's great. Congratulations.

When are you leaving?

I don't know.

I told her I'd think about it.

What's to think about?

She's a terrific gal and she can make you happy.

But you just said...

Oh, please, that was just me crackin' wise.

Everybody's got a little baggage.

I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers.

You, you're cheap, annoying and no one likes you.

Lyndsey likes me.

Which is why you should move in with her.

But this is my home, I'm comfortable here.

No, no, no, no, this is my home...

...and before you moved into it, I was comfortable here.

Now, now, you always say that, but you don't mean it.

Yes, I do.

Why won't you ever believe me?

Come on, after all these years,

you're saying you wouldn't miss me if I was gone?

I'm saying I'd very much like the chance to find out.

Please, Alan, give me that chance.

No, I don't think so.

My relationship with Lyndsey is fine the way it is.

I can come and go as I please, I have my own space...

No, no, no, no, no, you have my space.

Also a distinction without a difference.

So that's it? You're not leaving?

Like I said, I'm comfortable here.

Comfortable, huh?

Okay, my path is clear.

Oh.

I can grow tomatoes upside down.

* Men.

Hey, you awake?

No, I can keep going.

Alan. Alan.

Oh, hi.

What's up?

I need a favor.

Okay, sure. What is it?

I got this girl upstairs

and I need you to take care of her bird.

Okay, when you say "bird,"

what exactly is it you're referring to?

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Her bird.

Here.

Guess what his name is.

Mothra?

Larry.

Larry Bird?

Get it?

Chick's from Boston.

Anyway, I'd put him in the living room,

but Larry didn't like to be alone.

Oh. Okay, I guess.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah, don't put your hands near his face.

And if you get up to pee,

make sure you close the bathroom door.

Why?

I don't know, he's got this thing about penises.

He thinks they're big worms.

Or L.A. Lakers. Good night.

Good night.

Spank me!

What?

I'm a bad girl, spank me!

Oh, for God's sake.

Too big, too big.

All right, all right, Larry, go to sleep.

That's it, baby. Oh, yeah.

You're the best.

Not a worm! Not a worm!

* Men.

And let me tell ya,

it wasn't easy finding a hooker with a big bird.