2 Broke Girls

Pick up! Tables 12, 4, 11.

Got it.

Hey, when you get a second,

stop looking at my boobs.

Excuse me.

Waitress?

Dude?

Hi, what can I get ya?

We need some...

Is that annoying?

Is that obnoxious and rude?

Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you

while you were working?

Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry.

Damn, dude, she burned you.

Oh.

No, hipster.

Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common.

I wear knit hats when it's cold out.

You wear knit hats 'cause of coldplay.

You have tattoos to piss off your dad.

My dad doesn't know he's my dad.

You think...

This is the sound that gets you service.

I think...

This is the sound that dries up my vagina.

The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one.

We need horseradish.

Please.

That, ladies, is how you treat a waitress.

Paulina!

Oh, so... so good, oh...

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were on break.

I just need some horseradish.

- Here. - Oh, cool.

Excuse me, where's my waitress?

She's coming.

Earl.

Earl!

I made your favorite, red velvet.

My little cupcake brought me a cupcake.

Oh, no, no. It's on the house.

It's your birthday.

How old are you gonna be?

75.

Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger.

Max, Max, big news.

The new boss fired that Russian waitress, Paulina.

Turns out Chesty Kournikova was Vladimir puttin' it out.

Hello today. I have paycheck for you.

I need to talk to you. You fired Paulina, Han?

I am no longer Han Lee.

I have new American name

to go with changing neighborhood.

To go with the changing neighborhood.

You need to remember this for your immigration exam.

Correct. To go with the changing neighborhood.

Bryce? Your name is Bryce Lee?

Wait, wait, um, um, um...

Don't hire a new waitress, okay?

I've been doing all the work anyway,

and I really could use the extra money.

You need help.

- No, I don't. - Everyone need help sometimes.

I don't. I've been waiting my whole life, okay?

I've waited on tables, I've waited in bars,

I've waited on home pregnancy tests.

I already hire new waitress.

She work in all top restaurants in Manhattan.

I gave her Paulina's uniform.

Hi.

Mr. Lee, not to complain,

but I think someone wore this uniform before me,

like right before me.

Is it possible that I could get another one?

Maybe one that's a little less moist.

Also this mustard color doesn't really go with my skin tone,

neither do the mustard stains...

And these various other stains,

and smells. I hope that's clam chowder.

So...

I think it'd be better for everyone,

including my immune system,

if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing,

and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.

So thank you,

and let's waitress.

Whatever that is,

it does not belong in this diner.

It belongs in a show on Bravo.

But she blonde, hair so shiny,

good for business.

Where do you even find these people?

The Russian hooker, the one before that was a meth addict.

You train her, I am boss.

- Da boss. - Oh.

Fine, but make her wear the uniform.

Are you sure we can't get the meth addict back?

She was really good at cleaning.

But her teeth fall out.

You are really judgmental, you know that?

I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention.

I'm Caroline, by the way. And you're Max?

Don't get attached.

This is the Williamsburg diner, owned by Han Lee,

who just changed his name to Bryce Lee,

because I guess he wants people to take him even less seriously.

Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob.

Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals

and crack whores, but then he took it over and ruined it.

Hey, sexy woman.

You look so pretty today.

You look so beautiful, I forgot how bad your personality is.

Thanks, Oleg.

Hey, Barbie.

He will hit on you aggressively and relentlessly.

He doesn't realize he looks like that,

and I don't have the heart to tell him.

Could we have some menus?

Oh, sure.

Don't smile.

'Cause it raises the bar, and then I have to smile,

and I can't be doing that.

It's exhausting and I have a bad back.

That's Earl, we're in love.

Do not talk to him,

unless you want to feel whiter than you already are.

Oh, and that stain?

Not clam chowder.

Go marry the ketchups.

Marry the ketchups. I'm on it.

Okay. Now divorce the ketchups.

Stop. Just stop.

There's no such thing as divorcing the ketchups.

You've never waitressed a day in your life.

Yes, I have.

You expect me to believe you

after watching that whole Temple Grandin routine?

- I'm telling Lee. - Okay, okay,

I may have enhanced my resume.

Enhanced? What, are we in Paris?

Please, I really need this job, okay?

We lost all of our money.

My trust fund was taken for legal fees.

My dad is in jail.

What? What are you, Martin Channing's daughter?

Where's the paper?

Martin Channing?

The guy who ripped off the entire city is your father.

He told us we were having a good year.

You're Caroline Channing.

You're like a billionaire.

Was. Was a billionaire.

They froze all our assets, everything's gone.

I only have what I could grab,

and I grabbed all the wrong things.

- So do you know the president? - I've met him.

- He's hot. - He's the president.

- Have you been to Switzerland? - Yes.

- Do you have a horse? - Yes.

- Do you know Paris Hilton? - No, she's a hundred.

Excuse me, uh, two hot chocolate, please.

- Comin' up. - It...

let me do that, please.

I'm a really fast learner.

I went to Wharton business school.

I got 2,300 on my SAT's

Can you make a hot chocolate, or not?

Nailed it.

We split the tips. Give me yours.

You did better than I thought you would.

Listen, tonight I thought of a way

we could make some extra money.

They've totally underestimated

the price point on those red velvet cupcakes.

In Manhattan the asking price is at least seven,

so we could sell them for seven, and then pocket the difference.

Nothing about that sounds wrong to you?

It's not our fault that the idiot who makes the cupcakes

doesn't know their worth.

I'm the idiot who makes the cupcakes.

New information.

That's stupid.

No one would pay $7 for one of my cupcakes.

Really? 'Cause...

Well, at least we know you're not adopted.

So how'd you even end up in Brooklyn?

Typed in "place where nobody

from the Upper East Side would ever go, ever,"

and this diner came up.

You can't wear a fancy leather jacket

outside in this neighborhood.

You have to turn it inside out.

Oh.

Fur. Cool. Turn it back.

So where do you live?

Our townhouse was taken and bolted up by the bank, so...

Is this where I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

I mean, I don't want you to,

but just so you know, a well-adjusted person would.