This Country

'I tell you what, Kerry,

'there are some days I wish you'd never been born, and... '

Basically, Kerry's mum

got a massive electricity bill

and she reckons it's cos of Kerry's PlayStation.

So she's threatening to give it away to the Ethiopians.

Oh, fuck off!

What are they going to do with a PlayStation? Eat it?!

Yeah, well, why don't you get a job as a Meatloaf tribute act?

Oh!

That's who she looks like!

Fuck.

That's your PlayStation she just smashed.

I saw that can of Tango you dumped on the corner...

Oh, shut up. Shut up, then.

Go home, mate... disgusting.

'Yes, sadly, there aren't a lot of job opportunities

'for young people in the village.'

Kerry and Kurtan, neither of them have worked since leaving

school, which means they've got a lot of time on their hands.

Which is definitely not a good thing.

Change your fucking trousers, mate. They stink.

That's charming.

So, basically, there's a talk in the village hall today, with this

really strong businesswoman called Shaz.

And she's going to teach me how to make an absolute shitload.

It was wanted by a poltergeist.

I'm going to be just so rich.

I'm going to build a helipad on top

of my mum's house and land on it

in a little copter.

And then I'm going to say to my mum,

"Oh, hi, Mum. How are you doing?"

And she'll be like, "Oh, Kerry, I'm so sad."

"I... I'm so sad what I did to you."

"It was so disgusting and I'm such a vile pig."

And I'll be like, "I'm so sorry,

but I can't have this conversation",

"cos I've got to go on Dragons' Den,"

"cos we're filming it in five minutes."

Will I be there?

Yeah.

What we going to do on it?

No, we're the, we're the judges.

We'll be sat on a seat, like, with Deborah Meaden and that.

My life did not get off to the best of starts.

I was a single mother with no qualifications,

no job and struggling to make ends meet.

And then, one day, I caught myself looking at

a reflection of myself and I said,

"What is up with you, Shaz?

"You used to be so bubbly..." Oh... Kerr? Yeah?

She keeps guffing. Who?

Her - farty pants.

Shh! ..I had a sachet of that stuff and I never looked back.

So I said, hang about, let me get this straight - if I become

an Eternal Vitality sales rep, I can earn £15,000 a month?

I can work from home, I can be my own boss...

This is just quite boring isn't it, Kerry?

..and the start-up pack's only £200... Kerr? What?

Boring, isn't it? No, it's not.

All of your dreams, guys, can come true.

Just as long as you've got that £200 start-up fee, OK?

Yes?

What if you don't have the 200 quid, though, Miss?

Miss!

Yeah, that's a very, very good question.

What's your name, darling?

Kerry. Hi, Kerry.

What if I was to say to you, darling,

"You're dying, Kerry, and the tablets you need"

"to stop you from dying are going to cost you £200."

What would you do then? Hmm?

You'd beg. You'd steal. You'd borrow.

You'd find that money. Next question, please. Yes?

I did a similar thing selling Tupperware, and it turned out

to be a pyramid scheme.

OK, no, no, no, no, no. Bless you.

This is not a pyramid scheme, OK?

This is a multi-level management scheme -

two very different things, as you can see here, in the slide.

Multilevel management... You just got owned.

..all coming together to form one legal scheme.

Is that clearer for you?

Er, so Kerry's just asking Shaz ways of how we can raise up

the money for the start-up pack.

Very rude man!

Very rude!

What?

How was I being rude then?

I wasn't being rude, was I? Right, come on.

You would not believe what June just

did to me then, what just happened.

She just came up to me, jabbing her finger in my face, going,

"Very rude man", like that.

So, right, Shaz has given us loads of ideas of what we

need to do, so we really need to start cracking

on with it now. All I've ever been is nice to her!

Daft cow.

Shaz told me, to raise the

start-up fee money, we should just

flog all our old shit, which is exactly what we're doing.

I reckon we'll make that 200 quid in about half hour.

Oh, Warhammer.

Go on, rummage through.

I wondered... how much...?

Standard-bearer. Er...

Yeah?

Don't know, really. I suppose the Snotlings will all come together.

As you can probably tell, I went through a serious Snotling phase.

And there's a few chaos bugs in there as well.

So I've got my orcs here, yeah? Yeah.

Wastelands are there. Yeah.

And we're heading straight for them.

No. See, you can't use orcs to seize the wastelands.

It's practically suicide.

Oh, my God, can you lot just shut up?

Honestly, it's embarrassing.

Kurtan is a fucking nerd.

About three years ago, he started his own Emmerdale blog

where he picks apart all the production gaffes.

And he's got a chart on the wall,

which he ticks off every time he sees a reflection of a boom.

And I honestly am ashamed to know him, sometimes.

Do you know what? It's been an absolute,

utter pleasure meeting you two gents today.

Well, because Deputy Dickhead over here

didn't want to sell his Star Wars...

Warhammer... the yard sale was an utter disaster.

But Shaz said money trees don't grow on trees.

You've got to buy the money tree.

And if you can't afford to buy a money tree,

you just borrow off someone else's money tree.

So you've got a money tree loan out. Yeah.

But I'm going to be making 15 grand a month, basic,

so I'll be laughing.

Yes, the interest rate on that loan is very high,

but my overheads are low, see?

Because I'm working out of my mum's shed,

and I have zero staff costs, because

I'm not going to be paying Kurtan.

But don't tell him that.

Oh...

Can't wait to try this one, Kerr -

apple and wheatgrass.

Look at how good this looks, Kerr.

This'll be so good for me, innit? Yeah. This sweet nectar.

How is it?

You all right?

Yeah.

Just, I could really taste the grass.

I feel better already. Do you? Really? Yeah, it's weird.

Do you really? Yeah.

In what way? Does my skin look any different?

It's... Glowing? Yeah, it's glowing

a bit more, yeah. Is it glowing?

I... That's enough now.

That's enough.

Right, have you learned the script?

What script?

Are you joking? You are joking, right?

Yeah. The script I gave you.

Right, OK. Well, read it to me now.

Hello.

Hello what?

Sir. You haven't learned it, have you?

No.

My attitude towards business is sell, sell, sell.

If you knock on someone's door, this is what Shaz told me,

don't take no for an answer.

Get into their house.

If they say, "Leave my house", stay.

And if they say, "I'm going to call the police",

you walk upstairs and see if there's

anybody else upstairs to sell to.

What do I make of Kerry the businesswoman?

Have you seen the state of her?

What does she think she looks like in that suit, honestly?

She looks like Uncle Fester.

I take one look in the mirror in this suit

and I feel proud.

I used to just dressed in rags.

Now I really feel like I've made it.

Can't see her neck. Where's her neck gone?

Hello, madam. Me and my colleague here, from Eternal Vitality...

Right. I'm going to piss in their flowers, then. No, come on.

What are you two after?

Hello, sir.

Me and my colleague here are from Eternal Vitality Juicing -

a company that offers a wide range of health boosting juices -

and just wondered if we could

borrow a few minutes of your time.

Year, I've got a few minutes.

Eternal Vitality juices slowly release vitamins throughout

your body all day, giving you extra energy...

And then me wife died on the Thursday.

And me brother died on the Saturday.

And then, me stepson rang me up, and he said, "Dad",

"I've found a lump."

So that was him gone.