Roseanne - Tenth Season

It's daytime, people!

Rise and shine.

No, no, everybody, I got this.

I have a few years left to live,

and this is exactly how I want to spend it.

What is this, Courtyard by Marriott?

Housekeeping!

Oh... I'm sorry.

Were you sleeping?

Uh, what's up?

You guys are slobs, and I'm sick of it.

You know, I don't know how you're so cheerful

first thing in the morning. I always need coffee.

No, I'm serious.

You got to make your kids pick up.

I don't want to be the disciplinarian.

I want to be the fun grandma

who gives them too much sugar

and teaches them to gamble and stuff.

Ma, it's not Mark, it's Harris.

She's all over the place right now because

she just started a business on Etsy.

What's Etsy?

It's like a yard sale except online

because nobody can afford a yard anymore.

She sells used clothes.

Apparently, it's cool to look poor now.

Yeah, it's all fun and games

'til you're reusing your diabetes needles.

Enjoy.

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.

There's my Uber gal.

How was your day of picking up perfect strangers for money?

Fine, but every time I stepped on the brake,

it killed my knee.

I had this one guy who actually wanted me to stop

at every single stop sign.

Hey! Have you seen my ice pack?

No, but I've got something way better to show you.

Whoa, you're really phoning in the foreplay these days.

Come with me, and prepare to be overjoyed.

Could it be I'm getting a spanking

from Mr. Wayne Newton?

Kiss that old ice pack goodbye and say hello

to the superior styling and customized craftsmanship

of the whisper-quiet EasyClimb 5000.

No.

I finally got it working.

No, I already told you, I'm not using it.

Those are for old people.

Yeah, for old husbands

who are tired of running up and down stairs

for their hot, young wives.

Come on, just until your knee gets better.

No. We can't afford that anyway.

Take it where you got it and get your money back.

I can't.

I got it for the very reasonable price

of "our neighbor died, and they're tearing down his house."

So, you just went over to his house and stole it?

No!

I went over to his house to steal his copper plumbing.

This bad boy was a bonus.

I'm going out. See you later.

Oh, and, Granny Rose,

your ice pack is in my room somewhere.

I used it to keep my smoothie cold.

Sorry, it's a little sticky. Bye!

What a delightful and thoughtful young lady.

We're so lucky she lets us live here.

How the hell am I supposed to get up the stairs

to find my ice pack without my ice pack?

No, I don't need it.

I'm young and vibrant.

And they're off!

And it's EasyClimb versus Stubborn Housewife.

Stubborn housewi looking good,

but here comes EasyClimb up on the rail!

Shut up, Dan!

And it's Stubborn Wife looking back at Awesome Husband

with hatred in her eyes.

You know, folks, if she loses this race,

they may have to put the old nag down.

Hey, Granny Rose, can you drop this off in my room?

Oh, wow. The chair's going up anyway.

You should really sit in it.

And it's Death Wish comin' out of nowhere

to take it by a nose!

Emergency!

I can't use the laundry room in my building

because someone's living there now.

Unh-unh, I'm first.

Harris has been hogging that washing machine,

and I'm totally out of clean underwear.

I'm wearing a coffee filter and a scrunchie.

But I have to be at the restaurant in two hours,

and my uniform has blood all over the sleeve.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Bottomless margaritas and a dart tournament.

Oh.

Well, we can throw our stuff in together.

The machines are both full.

Oh, my God. It's full of Harris' stuff.

Damn it!

Is there a problem?

Yeah, I need to talk to you about your kid.

Why are Harris' clothes in the washing machine?

Because that's where it gets all wet and detergent goes on it.

She's been hogging that machine for three days,

and we got a lot of people in this house.

Okay, I get it. I'll talk to her

as soon as she gets out of the shower.

You're gonna wait for your kid?

Mom used to yell at us in the shower.

It was like that scene in "Psycho".

Take out the trash!

Ree! Ree! Ree!

Well, at least Norman Bates respected his mother.

Ree!

Hey, when you do get around

to speaking to the Princess of Tide...

she needs to respect her elders,

or I'll make sure she never becomes one.

This is crazy.

- I'll move the clothes into the dryer. - Bad idea.

Yeah, remember the last time we told you to put stuff in the dryer

and you threw a pen in there with it?

I had one white shirt.

And then you had one pinstripe shirt.

You shouldn't be doing your kid's chores.

And when did you turn into such a pushover?

You're not being the Darlene that we knew and loved

and, quite frankly, feared a little bit.

You know what? You guys already raised your kids.

You're free. Run.

Now would be a great time to finally learn how to use your phones.

There's the old, nasty Darlene!

Now, quick, before you lose it,

go up there and aim it at your kid.

You want me to yell at her for doing laundry?

Are you worried she's gonna do the windows next?

Cut her some slack, okay?

Kids don't need slack, they need boundaries.

The happiest kids are raised in cages.

And it keeps the meat tender.

- What's that thing? - This?

It's a vegetable brush.

It's for getting the dirt off of vegetables.

Oh, so it's kind of like a hand?

Don't set a place for me. I'm not staying.

Why not? We're having clean vegetables.

Can you clean it hard enough to make it a French fry?

I'm meeting some people at the mall.

We'll grab something there.

Who are these people?

You wouldn't know them. I barely know them.

Why you hanging out with people you don't know?

Because I've only been here a month,

and I didn't inherit your charming personality.

A little trust here, Darlene.

Did she just call you "Darlene"?

Yeah. I have no problem with it.

It's very modern.

It allows the parent and the child

to address each other as equals.

Thanks, Jackie.

Please call me "Aunt Jackie."

It's the only title that I have.

You know what, Harris,

this isn't really about trust,

but it's kind of my job

to know who you're hanging out with,

so I would really like to meet them.

Oh, my God!

You dragged me away from my friends in Chicago,

and now you're gonna scare off everybody I meet in this hick town?

Who's gonna shoot beer cans with me

behind the Dairy Queen?

Alright, fine.

Just be home by 10:00,

and, uh...

here's five bucks.

Thanks.

Oh, so she pushed you around a little,

but you gave her five bucks.

That'll show her.

You had the perfect chance

to check out your daughter's friends,

and you let her play you like a chump.

You know what?

This is gonna come as a shock to you people,

but I actually trust my kids.

Ha! Here's why you can't trust your kids...

'cause they're stupid.

That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.

Well, people parent differently than they did in your day.

Turns out, a lot of what you did did not work,

and some of it was against the law.

Yeah, it's against the law

because your generation made everything so PC.