Nurse Jackie

Kaitlyn and Fi touched them with their bare hands

and filled them full of their bacteria.

Washing your hands every two minutes is kind of crazy

- if you ask me. - Ooh, that's a lot.

"Number 23, All Saints Hospital,

- Dr. Fitch cooper"... - How did this happen?

We want to launch a citywide campaign

featuring you as the face of All Saints.

You know Sarah Kohri? God, I could not love her more.

Yeah. Get in line.

When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate

sexual touches. It's like Tourette's.

You and me tonight... Third-base line.

I think I'm pregnant.

Wow.

Are you jealous of Ginny Flynn?

You're overreacting.

No, I am reacting.

I get to react, okay?

♪ I'm not looking for romance, ♪

♪ I'm trying to locate... ♪

coffee black with a little milk.

Oh God, I love this place.

You always remember how I take my coffee.

Mm. Yes. I remember all things that pertain to her.

I like your new sheets... Very soft.

I'm glad you worked through your cotton-poly-blend phase.

Stick around, you'll learn all kinds of things about me.

Now I forget, you have heard of CDs, right?

You hear that?

You hear those lows?

Digital is bullshit.

I guess.

I pretty much stopped listening to music

when the Teletubbies moved into my home.

That's funny.

You know the Teletubbies?

- I'm a cultured man. - I shouldn't talk about my kids.

Why not? It's your life. What are you gonna talk about?

Yes, it is. My fabulous life.

- Give me an example. - Of what?

What you do. What's... what's tonight?

- Oh... - Come on.

Uh, let's see. Tonight, Gracie is having a sleepover with her friend Kaitlyn.

You do not like Kaitlyn.

No, I do not.

How about Kevin? What's he up to?

Okay. That I can't do.

I'm sorry.

This thing with, uh, you guys hanging out...

It's very cute, but it's gotta stop.

Got it. I got a couple of roxies

laying around if you want 'em.

No. My back's pretty good actually.

And F.Y.I.,

I am here because I like you,

not because you have drugs.

Aw. You like me, huh?

What do you want me to say, Eddie?

What do you think?

I gotta go.

See ya.

- Hey. Whoo, that smells good. - Hey.

How was work?

Oh, you know, fine.

Crazy.

Did you pick up the movies?

Oh shit. Honey, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't. I... you know what?

- I'll go get 'em now. - No no no, that's fine.

You're here. Just... stay here.

Uh, take over for me, please.

All right.

- Okay, girls. Corn's ready. - ( Phone buzzes )

- Dad, can I have a coke? - Negative.

Hi, grace honey. Thanks for asking.

- My day was fine. - Popcorn!

- Ow! Kaitlyn tripped me! - No, I didn't.

- Okay, let me take a look. - The kitchen stinks. I think you're burning it.

- It's better that way. - No, it's not.

Well, it's better than nothing.

- You look okay to me, kiddo. - Good thing. I didn't feel

like setting any broken bones tonight.

I want a broken bone with a cast on my arm!

I could get one for my birthday.

- Retarded. - ( Giggles )

Kaitlyn! Be nice.

Okay, cranberry or apple juice?

- Cranberry. - I don't care.

- Coke? - No, Fi.

No coke.

Hey, do you still wear diapers?

Kaitlyn honey, listen to me.

Shut the fuck up.

What?

What?

She is not a nice kid.

Kevin: Her home life is a mess.

Might want to lighten up.

Do you know what happened to my Joni Mitchell albums?

Nope.

Fuck.

Motorcycle accident... E.T.A. two minutes!

Let's focus, people!

Can we move a little faster?!

Zoey, go easy, honey.

They're fine, they're okay.

Not seeing a lot of people on their toes!

Other than Jackie and me.

Aw, geez. I'm sorry.

I gotta go... And not pee.

- I can't wipe. - Jackie.

- Zoey. - Sam!

Hey, you're the guy on the bus stops.

- You saw that? - ( Laughs )

You're a doctor, huh? I thought you were a model.

- I mean, you look like a model. - Cooper: Thank you.

Jealous much, Jackie?

"If looks could cure."

No, I'm good.

I am doing what it takes to bring the sick

and the injured into this hospital

so that I can cure them. Call ortho. Tell them the face of All Saints

- is just about done here. - You've got to give him a hand in the bathroom.

- I told you to do it. - She's got a code coming in.

We all set? Everybody happy?

I'm happy if you're happy.

Zoey: 34-year-old female

lost control of her motorcycle on the f.D.R.

Running two large-bore I.Vs wide open, 69 over 40.

Get respiratory over, then. All right, who's with me?

Transfer. Ready. One two three.

- Who's working my lines? - Jackie: Zoey.

- Me, certainly, right now. - Oh, that leg's a bit humpty-dumpty.

Massive internal bleeding.

Shit. Name... what's her name?

- Jennifer. - Jennifer, are you with us?

- Can you hear me? - Jennifer: I'm still here.

What's that, honey?

Where am I?

You're in All Saints hospital. You've been in an accident.

- I'm fucking alive? - Yes, you are.

We're gonna take very good care of you.

- No. Fuck. Please don't. - We're gonna get you out of pain first.

- Okay? - Good fuckin' luck.

Can I have 100 of sux and 40 of etomidate?

Sux and etomidate.

Zoey, call the O.R.

Zoey: "All gave some, some gave all."

Wow, she's in the service.

Zoey, call the O.R. now.

Bet her spleen is all but shot.

- You don't need your spleen. - Actually, Zoey, you do.

She's right. Incredibly.

New research says spleens produce all the monocytes.

Hugs for the continuing education, Dr. Cooper.

You'll let us know the next big thing, won't you?

At least I get my information from medical journals,

not from A.O.L. like Jackie.

Well, he's got me there.

- Hi, are you Trey? - Yeah.

Hi, uh, Dr. O'Hara wanted me to update you.

We are doing everything we can,

but I'm not gonna blue-sky you.

She has a ruptured spleen and that's not good.

Okay.

Excuse me. Uh, excuse me.

No one's allowed over the yellow line.

Sorry, uh, hi. Tony Frambi.

- I'm with cellulab. - We are overrun with you guys.

If... if I could, uh... Uh, nurse Peyton,

just leave you with a few samples. It's my first day.

It's not gonna work. Thank you anyway.

Uh, flopro is new for incontinence, excellent results.

And joyfulax is a real up-and-comer for depression.

Okay, this is an E.R., Tony. People don't come here

'cause they're sad. I mean, they do, but that's not...

Um, you know what's exciting?

Capsaicin. Studies show that it treats

neuropathic pain better than any barbiturate in its class.

Is that right?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, can I see the studies?

Uh, yeah. I'll bring them by tomorrow.

- Oh, that's too much. - Oh, please, I have plenty.

Okay, that's... I don't... that's good.

- Please take it. It's fine. - Okay.

- See you tomorrow. - Okay.

You believe this?

- Who knew women could be such pigs? - Me.

Chart for motorcycle crash, the girl with the ruptured spleen.

Poor spleen.

Minding its own business, then... bam!

Call it a day.

Life as you know it is over.

Over.

C'est la vie.

Wa-wa!

- ( Groans ) - Zoey, get back here.

Um, I don't know if it's hormones